Our family dynamics go deep, and they are anything but our own fault.
On my path to relating to other men with more understanding, love, and care, I’m learning to not blame them for their own nature.
How a man has been raised is not his fault. His relationship with his father is not his fault. His relationship with his family is not his fault. But the way he has grown up with his family determines exactly how he will relate with me and the rest of the world.
I’m learning to not be so arrogant to assume every man I meet had the privilege of knowing his father as I did.
I’m seeing it’s not fair to expect another man to know what healthy relationships between men and women look like – many experience unhealthy relationship models in their family system that they carry with them throughout their life. Again, I was incredibly fortunate in this area with parents who are celebrating their thirty-fourth anniversary this week.
I can’t be so ignorant to assume every other man has had a childhood anything like mine. And if I do, I can’t expect to get close to any of them.
Everyone is doing the best we can with what they have. —Jordan Gray
I’m learning to trust this fact about the men in my life. I’m learning to treat them with the compassion I was so lucky to be raised with.
I’m learning the thing that’s going to bring me closer to all men is understanding where they’re at, listening to them, and feeling their hurt.
The impossibly high bar I set for myself, that I’m too familiar with and too good at projecting onto other people is only going to bring me further away from these men, myself, and the truth in our lives.
I don’t want to give it to him – my love – I want him to earn it. Just like how I was raised. I want to hold it back and control him by forcing him to become like me, and then I’ll give him my care and respect.
This whole time that I’ve been distancing myself from my fellow men by lacking understanding of their relationships with their fathers, I’ve been avoiding understanding my own.
As I continue onto my journey, I refuse to listen to the story that looking inwards is ‘self-indulgent’. On my path to getting closer to the other powerful, smart, courageous men in this world, I will treat myself with the same curiosity I treat them.
With an attitude of humility, we can all be closer.
To my fellow men, I respect you, I admire you, and I’m proud of you. You’re doing great, and I can’t wait to see you continue along your journey. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Your friend,
Sam
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It’s never too early to start talking about Father’s Day on The Good Men Project. We’re looking for sponsors and contributors for our #ModernDayDad campaign. https://t.co/WJvKqq2kTe pic.twitter.com/j66LNCY0VG
— The Good Men Project (@GoodMenProject) March 11, 2019
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We celebrate Gay Pride all year long. But this year, we’re doing some special programing for a large-scale campaign #LoveEqually. We’re looking for both sponsors and contributors. Check it out! https://t.co/tkraXFPxLL pic.twitter.com/X2FlBEZb8Y
— The Good Men Project (@GoodMenProject) March 11, 2019
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