You Can Only Love Someone to the Extent You Love Yourself

I actually dislike the idea of ‘self-love,’ which is ironic, considering I’m writing for a publication about love.

The obsession with self-love these days is misguided. We tend to think it’s always about being positive or happy about our own flaws. And it’s not about spa days, taking yourself out for dinner, doing morning affirmations, or chasing perfection.

It all sounds good in practice but misses the mark entirely in reality.

Even the word self-acceptance involves too much fluff.

What if we think of it as being brutally honest with ourselves? Of recognizing our own humanity? Even the darkest parts?

Because if we can’t stand to be with ourselves, like our own anger, sadness, insecurities, and all our thoughts and past experiences, how could we possibly love someone else with the same flaws?

You’re limited to how much you can love someone based on these limits of ‘self-acceptance’ or ‘self-love.’ Everything past that is built on fragile ground. It’s attachment — the ego desperately craves to fill in a void that hasn’t been addressed.

Relationships are a mirror for what we’re seeking

And let’s not kid ourselves here. All those flaws, imperfections, or insecurities don’t magically disappear when you’re in a relationship.

They’re amplified and reflected back at you when you’re with someone.

This is what I often reiterate in my writing. It’s what I hope more people would understand.

Every partner and relationship is a mirror for where we’re at emotionally, and frankly, there’s often a lesson to be learned in these cases.

Sometimes it’s about learning key things like,

Discovering you’re the only one who can bring yourself happiness
Managing anger or anxiety
Working through or recognizing triggers
Learning how to handle conflict and tension
Healing trauma

We can’t expect relationships to take on the burden of these challenges.

Nor can we delegate love or happiness to someone else. Love, as we want to call it here, is about synergy. When we’re hamstrung by non acceptence our own flaws, emotions, or insecurities, how can we actually show up for someone else?

And it’s not necessarily about waiting around forever and being in an endless healing process.

It’s simply about being at peace with your darkness. The more you can be at still and comfortable with your thoughts, you’re less likely to project your issues onto someone else.

If you are not at ease with yourself alone, you will seek a relationship to cover up your unease. But that unease will reappear in some other form within the relationship, and you will blame your partner for it.

— Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

The actual work of what we call ‘self-acceptance’ or ‘self-love’

You don’t have to willingly choose to stay in isolation. Some gurus, individuals, or professionals out there in the zeitgeist promote this weird idea that we must “learn to be on our own” before we can be in a relationship.

We interpret this to mean we must avoid relationships entirely before we’re ‘healed’ or at ease with ourselves. But this is false.

Just stop fighting with reality.

For example, it’s not about pretending to be never angry or ignoring the fact that you have insecurities like “No one wants me around,” “I don’t matter,” or “I’m ashamed of myself.”

To reiterate, these things will still be around regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship.

What I recommend is to learn to embrace your shadow. But this is all easier said than done.

This inner work is complicated and messy. What we think of as shadow work isn’t merely about just accepting emotions. This isn’t limited to the ‘mild,’ uncomfortable things like anger or sadness And it’s nothing whimsical either.

The darkness isn’t cool, edgy, or something like the crap we see in movies.

As Carl Jung once said, “No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”

If we want to reach the full potential of our relationships, we must learn to acknowledge, embrace, and become comfortable with all of our thoughts or beliefs.

The things we fear to even admit to ourselves, let alone speak out loud.

Impulses
Desires
Fears

Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it. All it is is honesty. But from there, you will learn to feel more at peace.

Because when you learn compassion and understanding for yourself, you will extend that same courtesy to others.

A relationship can never bring us real, permanent, long-lasting happiness. It’s not meant to.

The relationship with ourselves is what matters most.

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(If you need help cultivating awareness and setting boundaries in relationships, I’d suggest reading my 9-page pdf on this topic, which you can download here.)

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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