We all have secrets.
Some are too embarrassing to tell. Others are better left untold. A few would bring more relief than harm if they were in the open.
Again, we all have secrets.
Some of us can hold them in and not tell a soul. Others carry the weight and burden of feeling trapped or feel like they’re living a lie if it is not out in the open.
What bout when that decision is not personal to you?
What about when that secret is between you and your partner?
It can be hard to hold the secrets of your relationship close to your heart when you feel isolated.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, our health and safety being in danger should never be a secret.
I am talking about when areas of your relationship that you release become broadcasted, and your secret isn’t so secret.
Stay out of the crowd
We should all have someone we confide in who is unbiased and can listen to our problems.
The problem is that it often doesn’t stop there and that’s usually not the case.
One person turns into five people or gets leaked into the group chat.
Broadcasting your news to too many people presents a problem for many reasons.
It’s like the old game of telephone. The story changes over time as new perspectives and opinions add on.
With new perspectives come new emotions. Now something that slightly bothered you enrages you because you are piling on more and more angles to look at the situation.
That would be fair if you were talking to a therapist, but your friends and co-workers are not therapists.
Those closest to you want what is best for you and also don’t want to see you hurting. Before proposing any rational solutions, what is the first thing they tell you to do? Leave the relationship.
Respect is gone
We all have relationship troubles with waves of good times and bad times.
What about when you make it past the bad times and your relationship is solid again?
Remember all those people that you leaked the details of your relationship to?
I will call it improbable, but their view of your relationship turning slightly sour is almost impossible.
How could you stay with that person you argued with and didn’t talk to for three days? Do you want to be with someone who didn’t remember you need intentional time?
When you spread the ugly aspects of your relationship, you build the negative view of it simultaneously.
You may not directly see it, but those opinions you value so much will turn into judgments that impact you, whether it happens subconsciously or not.
The lead actor
It may feel like you need an outlet to discuss your issues. You are right; you do need an outlet.
Again, avoid that turning into large amounts of people and find someone with an unbiased opinion and feedback or a therapist.
Someone who tells multiple people the details of their relationship wants to go from person to person so they can build their victim story.
I’ve seen it in conversations with friends as they spread their business too far.
How often does their story begin with what they did wrong?
When does their story begin with how their actions made the situation blow up?
Never.
They are always the person reacting to the other person who went crazy and was uncontrollable.
Building a victim mentality in your relationship is the quickest way to dissolve it into pieces.
Again, before anyone overreacts, not a situation where your health and safety are in question.
I am talking about two people going through ups and downs in a relationship.
Someone who broadcasts their business is looking for the nod and affirmation that they are in the right.
Telling your version of the story leaves your partner no chance to defend themselves.
Now, when you return with validation of your emotions, you have built a wall between you and your partner.
Hang up the phone
The last piece of the snowball of events is that you have broken the path to communication with your partner.
Emotional conversations with your partner are tough if you have not worked on your communication style. Well, no sh**.
When you see those tough conversations on the horizon, you skip the opportunity to work on your relationship.
Since you broadcast your information to people who pander to your feelings, you feel more comfortable talking to them, not your partner.
Now, you think that you cannot have conversations with your partner.
The reality is that you have thrown a wrench in the communication engine.
Why would you want to talk to someone who will oppose your position and add their feelings to the situation?
You want your feelings validated and for that to be the end of it.
The conversation with them won’t be a soft conversation you had with others.
It creates a subconscious need to look externally rather than work with the counterpart in your relationship.
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We all need someone to talk to.
We all need to be able to express ourselves.
I am not naive to either point.
Be careful about who you broadcast your information to. The phrase “too many cooks in the kitchen” exists for a reason.
It goes back to the root of our last pillar, and you have to create a method for communication with your partner.
It takes work from both people. A relationship is a partnership, and people lose sight of that.
Keeping your business in-house and resolving your conflicts will strengthen your relationship.
Remember, once a secret is out, it’s out. There’s no taking it back.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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