You Can’t Force Someone to Heal

I saw a clip from Mel Robbins’ podcast the other day. She said, “Pressuring someone to change creates resistance to changing. Someone only heals when they feel ready to heal.”

That really got me thinking. We all know someone — or have someone in our lives — who needs to get their shit together and heal. Maybe it’s a partner you share your home with, a close family member, or even a friend at work who sees you as their safe space to vent about life.

Allow me to create two personas to help put into words the things I’ve seen and experienced on this matter.

Benedict is a very close friend of mine — one of the best people I know. He’s funny as hell, quick-witted, and leaves you feeling light and loved after quality time together… that is, if he’s in a good mood. But when something’s off in his life, he projects it onto everyone around him. The energy in the room shifts. He can come across as the coldest person you’ve ever met — you can feel the chill from across the room.

Mathilda, my aunty, has a heart of gold. She’s generous with her time and attention — if she likes you. If she sees someone in need, she won’t hesitate to help, whether financially or by connecting them with someone who can. The problem is, if you don’t constantly praise her for her deeds, reach out regularly, or give her your time and attention in return, she turns cold. She’ll only reach out when she needs something. Otherwise, it’s on you to call her, check-in, and do all the work to keep the relationship alive.

Benedict and Mathilda both have people around them who see them for who they really are — beyond who they pretend to be. A lot of their behavior traces back to unresolved trauma, buried insecurities, or a fear of facing their own inner darkness.

They also have people in their lives who have faced their inner demons — people who are constantly working on aligning with their true selves, healing their past, and finding unshakable inner peace. Strangely enough, Benedict and Mathilda aren’t always supportive of these people, even if they love them deeply.

But again — how can you support someone on a healing journey if you haven’t accepted that you might need healing too?

I’ve tried to get them on their healing journey. I’ve tried pushing them. I’ve tried pulling away, thinking maybe my absence would make them reflect. I’ve tried having peaceful conversations. None of it worked — at least not in the long run.

So I did what I’ve taught myself to do in moments like this:
I sat with those feelings. I didn’t run from the discomfort or deny the trauma response their behavior triggered in me. I just… sat in it. And then I asked myself:

Why am I so obsessed with getting them to heal?

And the answer was simple:
Because they still have the power to trigger things within me — things I’m still working through. They still manage to get reactions out of me that don’t align with the person I’m striving to be.

So what did I learn from all of this?
I learned that Mel Robbins was absolutely right. You can’t force someone to face their demons or commit to a healing journey. But what you can do is be transparent about your own path and, through that, inspire them to begin theirs.

Here are four ways you can inspire someone to heal:

1. Set boundaries.

Don’t be afraid to create the distance you need to protect your energy and your inner peace. If you don’t respect yourself enough to do that, no one else will. If you treat yourself as a second priority, others will too.
So, set boundaries.
If someone has hurt you, make your time and energy scarce to them. You can still love them — from a distance.

2. Regardless of how they treat you, meet them with love and kindness.

Don’t let their actions define who you are or who you’re becoming. Be aware of how easily they can trigger you — awareness is power. It allows you to choose your response.
When you consistently respond with love and kindness, no matter what they throw at you, eventually they’ll start to wonder:
How are you able to do that?
Even if it doesn’t lead them to self-reflection, it might just inspire them to treat you better.

3. Be transparent about your own journey and struggles.

When the moment feels right, be honest about your own healing. Share what you’ve learned, what you’re still learning, and how it’s changed you. You don’t need to preach — just be real.

4. If they come to you ready to grow — meet them with zero judgment and unconditional kindness.

If they ever open up to you with vulnerability or a willingness to change, meet them with openness and grace. Be a safe space they can return to — again and again — to work through things.
That kind of space can only be created if you are deeply self-aware and committed to your own healing and growth. You don’t need to have it all figured out or be perfect — you just need to have the capacity to feel with them, understand them, and maybe even help guide them a little through the fog.
And honestly? Sometimes, just listening — with an open heart and an open mind — is the greatest support you can offer.

I genuinely hope these four approaches help you inspire others in your life to begin their healing journey — or even recharge your own. Either way, trust that as long as you keep focusing on your own path, the environment around you will start to shift. It will align with the peace and love you’re cultivating within yourself.
Let that speak louder than words.
Let that be your inspiration to others.

Hi, I’m Anet.
I’m a Jay Shetty Certified Life & Success Coach. If you’re feeling stuck — on your healing path or your journey of self-growth — I’d love to help you gain momentum again.

Right now, I’m offering pro-bono coaching sessions, so if you’re interested, feel free to reach out. I’d be happy to tell you more about my coaching style and how I work in a discovery call.