Growing up, the word “pervert” was (and still is) used to shame people that talked about sex or their desire for it. Kink shaming is used like a weapon against people who want to try new things in the bedroom, perhaps with different people. But these outdated ways of thinking about sex are harming people, and preventing them from being their true selves.
I also argue that it’s this shaming of open sexual expression that causes people to become perverts, not the other way around. I’m referring to truly perverted behaviour such as using hidden cameras to violate people’s privacy, exposing oneself on the subway, and even glamorizing sexual assault.
Somewhere down the line — I’m not sure of the exact year — sexuality became a taboo subject. But the truth is that humans are highly sexual beings.
We have sex purely for recreation, unlike many species on this planet. We have learned to pleasure ourselves (masturbation is actually quite common among mammals.) But both of these things are often frowned upon. Even in 2022, gender fluid/same-sex relationships are still shamed and referred to as “perverted”, although they’re natural and exist elsewhere in the animal kingdom.
Why is the subject of sex still taboo among so many, not least of all the church?
Sex, after all, is supposed to serve one purpose — procreation. Right? Any desire for sex outside of that is the work of the devil, obviously. Churches are even against sex education in some places, which is not healthy for a population that will definitely be having sex. The difference of not talking about the topic is negative outcomes such as unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.
Many churches/schools think talking about sex will pervert young minds. But what’s more dangerous is for people to engage in sex without any knowledge of percussions. Our shaming about our human sexuality starts early and manifests in adult behaviours. That’s why I think sexuality should be discussed more in schools and churches to demystify it.
I’ll say this about sex and the church: I’m not religious, but if God didn’t want us to have sex for fun, he wouldn’t have made it enjoyable. It’s like making food bland — flavour is a natural pleasure to be savoured.
Being told repeatedly that sex is dirty stops a person from expressing their sexuality freely. It causes sexual repression, which is an unhealthy relationship to sex as anorexia is to food.
Repression does not remove a person’s human desires and needs. It just means they associate these desires with guilt and shame, which can keep them from forming healthy intimate bonds or even enjoying their own company.
Not having a healthy sexual outlet can lead to truly problematic behaviour
I also think vows of celibacy in the church are not healthy. As this article on the subject from the L.A. Times points out, “Repression of these powerful human instincts over a lifetime can easily lead to profound loneliness and can foster a disposition toward sexual deviancy.” (However, you’ll find letter after letter from religious figures claiming otherwise.)
Meanwhile, trends like “No Nut November” are also problematic. They are not based in the reality that sex and masturbation are completely natural parts of being human. In fact, sex is a natural way to release stress and improve sleep quality. Apparently, regular ejaculation is an effective way for men to reduce cancer risk.
So, by all scientific accounts, sex is a healthy thing, not something to be ashamed of. Yet we still push sexuality out of the spotlight, covering each other’s eyes when there’s sex on television or too much skin in the streets. People go “underground” with their fantasies or cheat on partners because they haven’t learned how to discuss their desires.
Your real sexual prime is in your mind
As I age, I am getting more comfortable with expressing sexuality. This is not to be mistaken for being perverted (as described earlier), or being inappropriate with anyone that doesn’t share the openness. It’s about being more comfortable with the sexual components of myself that once caused negative feelings.
Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself, “You idiot, there was an entire sex-positive movement recently”, and you’d be right on one count. While the premise of the movement was along the lines of what I’m touting here, it has also been compared to “sexism presented in a shiny new package.” The gist of the argument is that both men and (especially) women should be sexually liberated on their own terms, not just to please others. I agree.
At the very least, you should be able to talk about sex comfortably with those closest to you. You should also be able to write about the subject without fearing the wrath of critics, not to mention some friends and family. (I would not have been able to write this piece even a year ago without feeling ashamed to publish it.)
Unless you acknowledge that your sexuality is a major part of who you are, you can’t love yourself completely. And once you realize that sexual expression is healthy, you can love yourself any way you’d like.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
