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I remember exactly where I was at that moment.
T-shirt on, gym sneakers tied and standing at the end of my driveway. It was a hot summer day — too hot to run, but I did it anyway. I just stared at my phone screen. I just decided I’d finally had enough.
One sentence.
One unnecessary insult from a “friend”.
One decision to absolutely never let people treat me like this again.
People pay a lot of lip-service to removing “toxic people” (#newyearnewme) from their lives. And before this past year, I did the same exact thing. I made a lot of excuses for why the emotionally draining people I kept around could still have a place. There’s an unpublished piece I wrote still floating around somewhere in my drafts. I really did make so many damn excuses.
In the past year I’ve let go of all of the close friendships I had. Sometimes it was painful, but it generally wasn’t. It mostly felt like freedom. Almost a little vindictive, even.
It was like throwing out old toys and gadgets. I don’t really miss them. I can’t bring myself to miss them.
But I do miss the company.
I’ve always let people drain me. Allowed them to take advantage of my time, my energy and my empathy. Refused to stand up for myself when they beat me down for fear that I’d lose that company. I think I was always desperate to hold onto everything I could because I know how hard I cry when I have to let anything or anyone go.
I guess I learned to fall in love with myself this year. Taking myself on stupid little dates to Starbucks or the movie theater and being my own entertainment. Being my own jokester and gravitating towards places I only really really really want to be.
I’ve spent too much time on people and places I knew I didn’t want to be a part of.
I sure as hell won’t do that nonsense again.
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This post was previously published on www.psiloveyou.xyz and is republished here with permission from the author.
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