You Don’t Have a Dating Problem, You Have a Boundary Setting Problem

I boarded a plane to Boston heartbroken over yet another failed ‘relationship’. I was flying back East for a wedding {to only make the injury worse}.

“How did I manage to screw this one up, too?” I kept thinking to myself. We met in a personal development course for cripes sake!

Dreading this flight and 6 hours of me, myself, and my thoughts, I preemptively grabbed the infamous ‘Boundaries Book’ my friends kept talking about.

“Learning to set Boundaries changed my life Molly, it will for you too!”

I had low expectations that my dating woes could be wiped out within the pages of this text but I needed something to distract myself with.

See most women come to me thinking they have a ‘dating’ problem.

It’s the apps!

All men suck!

No one wants anything serious!

Having now coached over 100 women in the span of the last 4 years I can tell you, you don’t have a dating problem –

You have a boundary setting problem.

When you learn to set boundaries with confidence and learn to receive someone else’s boundaries dating simply becomes a matter of sorting.

What does hearing no mean to you?

Whenever I ask my clients this question, the responses I get are some version of the following:

“Hearing no means that I don’t matter. That I’m not a priority. That I shouldn’t have asked. That I violated someone. That my needs will never be met. I’m unreasonable. They don’t like me. They don’t care.”

When we struggle to hear no, it can make saying no that much harder.

Someone saying “no” to us is simply an act of them taking care of their needs. Receiving a “no” is not a reflection of who we are as a person or and it’s certainly not a reflection of our worth.

Simply check in and ask yourself, what story do I make up about myself when someone tells me no? Can I handle other people’s no without crumbling?

If you related to the above responses or feel uncomfortable in the face of someone else expressing no, there’s a good chance you avoid saying it, too:

No, I’m not interested in going on another date. No I can’t continue to see you since you don’t want a committed relationship. No I’m not ready to go home with you.

Developing needs awareness

For most of my life I said yes, took on more than I could handle, and stayed in relationships far longer than I should have because I was fundamentally disconnected from my own needs.

Considering my own needs was a completely foreign concept to me.

When we aren’t aware of our own needs (think: space, understanding, joy, friendship, intimacy, communication, clarity) it makes prioritizing them really difficult. It also makes saying no to someone else’s needs above our own, very difficult too.

Coming into a greater relationship with your own needs will make saying no, a whole lot easier.

When faced with a decision like, “hey can you stay late tonight to help us out with this deadline” and you consider your needs of rest, balance, and peace-of-mind will be met by getting home before 9:00pm it makes saying “I can’t tonight but I’ll pick up the slack tomorrow in between my meetings” that much easier.

Your needs are your responsibility! Which means saying no to others in order to get them met.

Assuming other people’s experiences

Another big block I see clients up against when saying no or asking for what they want in dating is “I don’t want to come off too strong, I don’t want to be too direct, I don’t want to seem like a burden” already assuming the experience on the other side of their communication.

Be careful to act like you know what someone else’s boundaries are. More often than not partners are thrilled to be spoken to clearly and with instruction. I’ve even had clients come back and tell me the men they’re dating say things like “I love how much you know what you want and how willing you are to express it”.

Boundaries help us to know where things start and where things end, the parameters of what we can expect and how to best show up inside of an experience. Without boundaries and the willingness to communicate them there’s a lot of guessing and a lot of confusion.

Don’t withhold information or communication because you fear someone’s reaction. Give the people in your life the gift of clarity and directness when it comes to your feelings and needs.

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Learning to set boundaries and looking to find where your blocks are will massively transform all your relationships but especially as you navigate dating and intimacy.

Notice what you tell yourself when someone tells you no. Do you make up a story about how terrible a person you are or do you celebrate them for taking care of themselves and what they need?

Do you have awareness of your own needs? Ask yourself what would saying no to more often allow you to do instead? How could saying no get more of your needs met?

Take note of when you hold back expressing a need or desire. Are you assuming the other person will say no or won’t be available? Or do you trust them to speak up for themselves or get resourceful to help you out instead?

There can be a lot to navigate when it comes to setting and asserting boundaries but with practice and intention, I can guarantee you will feel and experience more of what you do want instead of feeling depleted and resentful in your relationships.

Thanks for reading! Molly is dating and relationship coach for high-achieving, single women in their 30s. Attend her next masterclass here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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