During the pandemic, we saw on Instagram and other places the rise of Mommy Wine Culture. There were all kinds of moms saying how they drink to cope with having the kids at home all day.
I wrote before that I hadn’t realized that Mommy Wine Culture was a thing.
This morning, I had a really insightful comment from Devynn Ferrero after reading that article, and they comment how they work in the wine industry and saw all kinds of moms coming into the store during the pandemic.
Too often, drinking becomes a coping skill for difficult situations, when we don’t know where to turn for help with our problems. A glass of wine can feel like a simple and soothing solution at the end of the day, but this can actually end up being problematic in many ways.
I used to own a bar years ago, so I saw the people coming in every day, and spending the whole night at the bar instead of at home, as well as having my own share of nights of drinking. But is it even more insidious when your drinking isn’t a social thing?
Drinking to cope with motherhood
When we drink to cope with motherhood, it can send a negative message to our kids in two ways:
- It normalizes drinking as a way to cope with problems
- Kids feel like they are ‘too much’ and the cause of mommy’s drinking
Teaching our kids to have poor coping skills is something that we are handing down when we drink as a means of coping with our problems. It is even more damaging when we look at our kids themselves as a problem.
In Devynn’s comment, they mention that several women ended up getting divorced, and one even gave up her kids during the pandemic.
What kind of message does that send to those poor kids? They just learned that mommy would rather spend her time drinking than being with them.
Societal Factors
One of the biggest societal factors that has been highlighted through the pandemic is the high mental load of motherhood. Moms are responsible for caring for the whole household, in addition to possibly working a job.
Also, mothers don’t have a village anymore. They don’t have the help of friends or family with childcare or other needs around the house.
Moms have gotten to the point that they are sacrificing too much of themselves to motherhood. You see posts on Instagram all the time about moms not showering for days because they can’t get time away from the kids.
This sense of hopelessness, overwork and overwhelm is what I believe is leading to the advent of Mommy Wine Culture.
Moms have started drinking as a way to numb out the crushing weight of all of these responsibilities that they have to shoulder.
Home schooling
In addition to the regular responsibilities that moms have to take care of during the day, many moms had to take on homeschooling their kids during the pandemic.
Homeschooling is a very difficult responsibility, as you are expected to be a teacher in addition to a parent.
Some moms had to coordinate online school for multiple children during the pandemic, and this has lead to a sense of overwhelm for many.
Fortunately for me, although I had both my kids home during the pandemic, my older daughter was in her junior and senior year of high school when she was home, and she was able to manage her online schooling on her own.
With the exception of her calculous class.
Unfortunately for me, I never took enough math to be able to help with calculous homework either. All I could do was google math tutorials for her to figure it out herself, and offer to have her withdrawn from the class.
She ended up getting a C, but that is still passing, so she accepted it as par for the course for schooling during COVID.
My youngest was in and out of daycare during the pandemic, sometimes with same-day shut downs if there was an exposure at school. When that happened, my partner or I would have to take a day (or more!) off of work to be able to stay home with her during the quarantine.
Sometimes the quarantine was up to two weeks.
Having kids at home when you are supposed to be working is a crazy amount of added stress to what moms are already dealing with on a daily basis. I can see how it would push some over the edge.
Especially if they had more than one small child, or if they had partners who were either unable or unwilling to help with the added responsibilities.
Moms need more help
Plain and simple, in some ways moms are set up to fail in our society. There is so much that we are expected to do every day, and there isn’t a social safety net to fall back on when things are difficult.
Coping with chronic stress can be a killer in so many ways.
When the chronic stress comes from carrying the mental load of motherhood it can lead to resentment of our kids as the source of that stress. This is especially true for single moms, and moms whose partners aren’t acting as team players.
Unfortunately, there is so much resting on the shoulders of many moms, and there is seemingly no where to turn for a solution. So they turn to the bottle. It is perfectly understandable.
Resources for assistance
Although it is understandable that many moms are struggling in these difficult times, there is help available.
If you need help with additional childcare needs, there are programs like Head Start available, which offers services to both children and families. This way, you can feel less alone in dealing with your children at home all day.
There are also drop-in childcare centers in many states at places like the YMCA, where you can take your child for a few hours at a time on short notice. Many local recreation centers also offer Kid’s Night Out programs, where kids can go for a few hours on Friday or Saturday nights.
You can also talk to other moms in the community and trade off days of childcare with one another. Or, you can take the kids to the park with another mom, and have some mom time together while you let the kids play.
One of my girlfriends and I like to go to McDonalds for a coffee date (since they have good coffee now) and we let the kids play for hours while we chat. If you don’t have a close mom friend to go out with, you can meet mom friends on apps like Peanut.
If you like to go to the gym, many health clubs also offer childcare that is either free or low cost. So, you can get some endorphins going and have a break from the kids all at the same time.
Anything you can do to get out of the house for a while and have the kids in childcare can be helpful if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Resources for alcohol addiction
In addition to getting help with your children and getting a break, if you are having problems with alcohol use, there are resources to get help with alcohol addiction as well.
You have probably heard of AA, and one of the best things is that AA is Anonymous. So, no one will tell your job or your family that you are attending meetings.
Also, in this group setting, you can meet new people and find a sense of community. Knowing that you aren’t alone can go a long way towards helping your problems all by itself.
If you feel uncomfortable going to an AA meeting, you can also go to an addictions counselor, therapist or coach. This should be covered by most insurance plans, including Medicaid.
Getting help with your alcohol problems can alleviate some of your tiredness and other symptoms that may be compounded by overuse of alcohol.
If you think you might be addicted, it is important to talk to someone about getting help right away.
Conclusion
Sometimes motherhood can seem like a crushing weight instead of a blessing. During the pandemic, with kids being home more, these issues have worsened for many women. When you don’t have help with the kids, it can be easy to have a glass of wine (or several) as a coping method.
The problem is, alcohol doesn’t fix your problems, and can actually lead to more problems in the long run.
If you are struggling with the mental weight of motherhood, there are programs that can assist you with childcare, so that you will get much needed time alone to rest and recharge.
Also, if you feel your alcohol use has become a problem, it is important to seek help right away. That way, you can be at your best for both yourself and your kids.
It is easy to feel isolated in motherhood, but there are places that you can reach out for help when you need it!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kevin Kelly on Unsplash