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Have you ever thought, “They must earn my respect before I grant mine.” I have, often. Admittedly, I thought that way a lot more until the last several years. Instead, now, I grant everyone respect, unconditionally as a start. It’s just human courtesy. It’s just having manners.
I grant respect for those like my best friend from high school John, for Sensei, for Bobby, for Mom, for Cheryl, and so on. In these relationships, they have generously granted their respect in return. I have no problem with that. It’s karma. I gain such profound value being in these relationships. Hopefully, I’ve been able to contribute value back, either profound or minute. I give my best.
What happens when the one to whom you granted respect and permission to contribute to you offers no or little value? More so, what happens when those you gave permission, disrespect or treat you unkindly?
Well, I don’t have to love them back. I don’t pretend to be Jesus Christ or the Dahlia Lama. Yet, I forgive them; not necessarily for their actions or words, but for being human, for being imperfect. As difficult as that may occur. Yeah, inherently I want to be right and make others wrong. Yet, as Shakespeare reminds, “The quality of mercy is never strained…” Be merciful to others and to yourself.
While growing up as a boy at home, Dad terrified me in the way he acted toward me, my Sister, and my mom. I can never condone nor forgive those heinous actions. Yet, I forgave my dad for being human, for being afraid that he didn’t know what to do as a Father or Husband. I finally got my anger about me being powerless as a kid only hurt me. No one else. Paradoxically, there was no ‘real’ outside opponent or threat. Not really.
O-Sensei said, “Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there. Enter deeply into an attack and neutralize it as you draw that misdirected force into your own sphere.” My opponent is myself. In the words of O-Sensei, “True victory is victory over oneself.” Amen.
Simple, yet powerful words. And no, not so easy to live into. Really, I’m the one, who constantly overcomes me. I love myself, for both my strengths and imperfections. I have compassion for the imperfection in all of us. After all, we’re all human. We all are imperfect. We all shall falter in time, in life.
Love thine own self. Forgive thine own self. I really have nothing to do what goes on inside another. Yet, I do have something to do with who I’m going to be in any given moment. One of those things is having compassion for others and myself.
Without a doubt, shit does and will happen. In the words of Sensei, “Wait it out.” Mom said, “Jonny, slow down.” I’m the one who ultimately makes it work for me.
I remember having lunch with Sensei at our favorite French café in Culver City after Sunday morning Aikido practice. I was chowing down on a smoked salmon omelet. Sensei was chomping on a patty melt. He pointed his fork in my face, albeit like friendly.
Sensei reminded me that when an Aikido Student does poorly on a promotion test, it’s not his or her fault. Rather, we as instructors are at fault. We didn’t do a good enough job of teaching them what was important.
This was coming from the Dude, who dedicated 50 years of his life teaching Aikido. In his heart, Sensei believed that the world would be a better place if everyone trained in Aikido.
When it comes down to it, we try to provide value for others. Growing up as I did, and doing years of transformational training I profoundly got We get what we get. There’s power in choosing what I have, good or bad. What’s done, can’t be undone.
Because I couldn’t discover the value or what I needed to become the man I wanted to become at home, I looked elsewhere. Fortunately, I discovered Sensei. Sensei graciously granted me permission to make him my Father.
Sure, life at times life occurs as unfair, as unkind. Still, you forgive others and yourself as you move forward to discover what makes you greater than, what makes you whole.
I grant others respect in hopes of finding value. If I don’t, then no harm, no foul. The beauty of our imperfection arises in the greater than we create from it. Just saying.
“Life is imperfectly perfect.” Amen. Amen.
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Photo credit: Istockphoto.com
