You Shouldn’t Be Grateful for Your Partner

I’m so lucky to be with them — it’s a statement I often tell myself while I’m in a relationship. I’ve been taught to always remember to be grateful, even for the smallest of things, in order to keep love alive. However, my experiences are proving time and time again that being grateful for my partner could perhaps be the cause of my biggest relationship failures.

Now I’m not trying to bash the idea of gratitude. In order to get any sort of sense of fulfillment from life, you need to be able to appreciate it. However, when it comes to relationships often times the things we are grateful for don’t actually warrant appreciation. In other words, what we’re praising our partner for is what we should expect from them.

Whether it be the fact that they’re loyal and don’t cheat or that they listen — the standards for gratitude are far too low.

Relationship expectations

It’s universally accepted that people have their own personal standards for relationships. However, although people’s standards may vary whatever they are should be your expectations in the relationship — otherwise, they wouldn’t be your standards, would they?

What I find myself struggling to understand is why I feel obliged to be grateful for these expectations? Especially given the fact I apply these expectations to myself — I expect that my partner won’t cheat as I won’t cheat, I expect that my partner will be there for me as I’m there for them. I’m putting myself in a default position whereby I’m considering myself lucky for equality.

Being grateful for equality has always been a controversial idea for me. Although I do believe it is something that should be appreciated, I’m also able to see how that appreciation can have a negative outcome. Based on how society acts and the human condition, appreciation of equality can create divides. Showcasing equality as a desired goal of sorts establishes it as something that shouldn’t be expected and instead should be strived for — that’s what doesn’t sit well with me.

Equality should be inherent and accepting that it isn’t, leads to accepting injustice.

Expectations and disappointment

That being said, expecting something and not receiving it can be the cause of a lot of disappointment in life. There’s a quote from Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche that goes;

Don’t burden others with your expectations. Understanding their limitations can inspire compassion instead of disappointment, ensuring beneficial and workable relationships. Remember that you have only a short time together. Be grateful for each day you share.

A kinder and more compassionate mindset does tend to attract a more fulfilling life. I know that when my expectations are low I definitely feel as if I get more out of life.

Therefore it does make sense to be grateful for even the small things in a relationship. Showing gratitude can help the relationship flourish and allow both partners to feel good. At its core gratitude makes sense.

But is disappointment something that should be avoided or is it there to protect us? Disappointment can be an indicator that we are not where we should be or, in the case of relationships, not who we should be with. Avoiding disappointment may cause a sense of fulfilment but how much of that fulfilment is genuine?

Being too grateful

Being grateful for the good can keep us trapped with the bad. The children’s movie villain doesn’t exist in real life — there’s no one out there who’s always evil and bad. The world is not simply black and white.

Perhaps out of fear of disappointment, I usually try to focus on the good in people. Unfortunately, this has led to me being in some less than ideal relationships. By constantly focusing on and reminding myself of the good in them, I would allow and make excuses for my partner mistreating me.

My experience is not unique though. Author of Married to a Narcissist, Enduring the Struggle and Finding You Again, Catenya McHenry speaks about the steps of removing yourself from toxic relationships — one of which being to realize you deserve more and there are people out there who can give you more. You see, being overly grateful can leave you vulnerable to toxic relationships.

Gratitude is a corrective to our sense of entitlement and narcissists are able to take advantage of that. When you allow yourself to not feel entitled to what you should expect from a relationship they can warp this mindset and manipulate it to more extreme scenarios. For example, they could try to make you feel grateful that they didn’t hit you that week.

Being overly grateful exposes you to toxic individuals.

Closing Thoughts

Gratitude in a relationship is positive when warranted. However, expectations are important. We should expect our standards and allow those expectations to protect us from scenarios that are far worse than a sense of disappointment.

Fulfilment is not settling. Fulfilment is a genuine appreciation for life. Give yourself a good reason to appreciate your partner — expect more. What you give to a relationship you deserve to receive.

Because at the end of the day, the longest lasting and most significant relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. So, know your worth and be grateful for what is worthy.

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Previously published on medium

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