Your Assumptions Are Ruining Your Relationships. Don't Let it Happen

It was Oscar Wilde who said: “When you assume, you make an ass out of U and Me”. And it couldn’t be truer.

Basically, an assumption is something you believe is true of which you, however, don’t really have solid proof. These assumptions can usually be traced back to your own beliefs and perceptions of the world, or to incomplete pieces of information that lead you to validate certain thoughts.

If you grew up in a family where “being out late” was a code for being unfaithful, for example; you are more likely to feel disturbed when your partner tells you they will be out late and may eventually pick a fight when they come back. Similarly, if you’re giving a group presentation and assume someone will remember to bring the poster board, you might be surprised on the day of the presentation that everyone else also assumed the same, leading to conflict within the group.

The thing about assumptions is that they often just happen automatically. They are mostly a result of our cultures, our families, and of what we were taught to think as children. And even if we grow up and learn to question the ways our parents think and how we were raised, we might still fall into the trap of making assumptions based on that; simply because it’s often easier to approach relationships with others using the patterning we were taught as a child.

The problem with that is that if you are always assuming you know how others will think, feel or act in a given situation, you, by default, stop listening and communicating, which is fertile ground for constant misunderstandings.

In addition, and because a single assumption can result in vicious spirals of negative thinking, they also take a huge toll on your mood; which eventually affects your ability to communicate effectively, as well.

So, what can you do to avoid falling into this trap of making assumptions?

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1) Question your beliefs & brainstorm alternatives.

In order to manage your assumptions in relationships, you need to, first, be able to view your thoughts as potentially false, and, second, to be willing to take a good look at your own beliefs. Where do they come from? How are they helping or hurting you? Do they hold up to questioning? What is the evidence that supports that belief? The evidence against it? Could there be other angles from which you could view things? Are there any alternate explanations?

Exploring alternate explanations upon questioning your beliefs eventually widens your vision. It enables you to see the bigger picture of things instead of remaining stuck with one single view on a given matter. To do so, simply try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Ask yourself how they might be interpreting the world differently than you. Try to spin different scenarios of what they might be thinking or feeling. In simpler words, try to truly empathize with them as you remain open to the fact that there are always two sides to the same story.

2) Ask questions.

Now that you’ve brainstormed alternatives, you might still feel unsure of what another’s intentions really are in a given situation. Yes, you now do have a wider view on the matter, but not a single answer for sure. In this case, it might be useful to simply ask questions. These questions help you learn information that can help you and would have otherwise remained hidden, and you might be surprised at the things you find out.

While this may seem straightforward to many people; in reality, it often isn’t. This is because we don’t necessarily always know when it’s time to seek clarifying answers; again, because it’s mostly easier to assume that “we get it”.

So, before you assume that you understand where the other person is coming from, phrase the right question at the right time. In more practical terms, instead of confronting your partner with your assumption that something about them being late feels fishy, try to rather ask them when they’re back home about how they spent their night and how it was. With enough trust, which I’m (ironically) assuming is the case in a healthy partnership, this shall soothe your disturbance that stems out of what you’ve learned back home, not actually out of their being out late — allowing you to avoid unnecessary arguments and conflicts

3) Make your assumptions known to others to determine their validity.

In cases like having a group presentation that requires someone to bring along a poster board, it is helpful to simply make it known that you assume someone other than you will be taking responsibility for that. This way, you bring it to the table that someone has to do it before you realize way too late — against your assumption — that no one actually thought of it.

When making your assumptions known, always be open to surprises. This is because much of the information you will receive after you do so will prove your initial thought to be — at least partly — false. How you handle these surprises largely depends on how prepared you were to have the validity of your assumptions challenged; so simply be ready.

4) Listen mindfully.

In his book, “The Art of Communicating”, Thich Nhat Hanh talks about the importance of listening. He explains that it is through mindful listening that we truly understand each other and build empathy — helping each other, in turn, suffer less.

Listening mindfully allows us to see clearly where another person comes from. It enables us to establish the understanding needed to counter destructive assumptions and make room for real compassion.

To do so, all you need to do is take a second when someone is explaining their point of view to let go of any judgement and to solely tune in to what is being said. You see, it’s perfectly easy to tune out and assume you know where another person is coming from. This, however, might cause you to overlook one of the points they are really trying to make, which can, in turn, lead to undesirable gaps in communication.

The key here is to remain mindful and to try your best to bring yourself to the current moment where you truly let in what is being said before you rush to make your own points known to the other person. As you do so, you will figure out which of your assumptions really have no roots in reality, and which of them you may want to actually bring to the table for the purpose of clarification.

5) Give people the benefit of the doubt.

If you don’t have enough information to make a sensible guess why someone’s behaving a certain way, give them the benefit of the doubt. This means that the next time you’re stuck in traffic, you don’t need to assume the next driver cut you off intentionally. Instead, you can imagine they made a mistake and you were just in their blind spot. The truth is in this case is irrelevant because you don’t have enough information anyways.

By doing so, you give yourself the chance to reframe your experience into a more positive one, which allows you greater emotional control in a given situation and eventually a much better understanding of other people’s intentions. That being said, it is important to keep in mind that everyone is simply doing what they think is right, at least for the most part. By keeping this in mind, you make it easier for yourself to digest different scenarios of why a person did what they did — allowing you to act based on fewer assumptions and with much more flexibility over time.

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So, are you ready to turn your relationships around by assuming less and understanding more?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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