For a long time, she thought her name was, “Lazy good-for-nothing.” That’s what her Mom called her — almost every day. She wondered if her Mom was right. She would rather read a book than clean the house.
One of her most embarrassing memories was of her mother on the phone with friends.
“ My daughter is such a slob. You should see her room — papers and books strewn everywhere. It’s disgusting.”
She overheard those words, and never forgot how they made her feel. She felt embarrassed. She felt unloved. She thought that there was something wrong with her. She believed her Mom didn’t like her.
Her Mom never said that about Jen, her sister. Jen had a clean bedroom. Mom was always praising her.
When she became a teen, her introversion was a source of constant frustration for her parents.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re anti-social. You read too much. Go outside like normal girls your age. You’re abnormal.”
Her parents never said that about Jen. Jen was a cheerleader. Everyone said she was the pretty, popular one.
As she grew older, her parents added a new threat.
“If you don’t stop behaving like this, we’re going to bring you to a psychologist.” Another person may not have minded this comment and welcomed some professional counseling, but she was mortified.
She knew this meant her parents thought she was a crazy person. She’d told her Mom that she wanted to be a psychologist when she grew up. She was so excited about it and thought her Mom would be happy.
“What?” her Mom was shocked. “You’re not going to go to school for that. They’re even crazier than their patients.”
Sadly, she put her career aspirations aside, since she was an obedient daughter. (She would later regret listening to her.) And that’s how she knew that their threat to take her to one meant they believed she was crazy and abnormal.
She was crazy because she loved books, and reading indoors. She was crazy because she didn’t like cheerleading like Jen. She was crazy because of her career selections — writing and psychology.
These damaging words eroded her self-esteem most significantly. Growing up, she felt like an outsider from everyone else — even her sister.
And because of the constant comparison, this girl believed her parents loved her sister more than her.
Words are hurtful
Children internalize hurtful words. If their parent tells them they’re fat, they believe them. If other children call them names and make fun of them, they grow up feeling rejected and small.
I always smile when I hear a little girl say she’s Daddy’s little princess. She wouldn’t say that if her parents hadn’t told her that. It makes me smile because that little girl will grow up feeling special and loved. And when she grows up and finds a mate, he’s going to have to treat her as well or better than her father.
But what about the girl who grows up being called ugly, and uncoordinated? When she grows up, is she going to attract a man who treats her well? No, she will not. She’ll attract the man who reinforces her negative beliefs about herself. Those beliefs were instilled in childhood, by the people who were supposed to love her the most.
She grew up believing she was no great prize and will be grateful for any man that takes an interest in her. She’ll attract the lowest of the low. She’ll put up with all kinds of abuse because she believes that’s all she can get.
Verbal abuse damages children’s brains
According to R. Douglas Fields, Ph.D. in Psychology Today, hurtful words in childhood causes lasting physical effects on children’s brain structure. Young adults who experienced verbal abuse as children had underdeveloped connections between the left and right sides of their brains.
As parents, we are more powerful than we think
The good news is that we have more power than we realize. We can take the proper steps so that our children never feel unloved by us. We can ensure they grow up with solid self-esteem and self-love. Because we know, our words are powerful.
If we ever feel the need to vent to others about our children, we can take care to never do it in front of them. Our children hear us when we’re on the phone, or talking to a visitor. You may think they’re only playing and not paying attention, but they hear every word we say.
Positive things to say around children
- You worked so hard on that project. I’m proud of you.
- You have your mother’s beautiful smile.
- You mean the world to me. I love you.
- That was such a nice thing to do for your sister.
- What a beautiful drawing. I’m hanging it on the refrigerator.
- You’re mommy’s girl, (or daddy’s girl.)
- I love the way you are always kind to people.
- Your hard work in school has paid off. We are so proud.
- That was a great catch. You take after me. (said with pride.)
- You are such a thoughtful child.
- I love the way you are kind to our pets.
- You are growing up to be a handsome young man (or beautiful young woman.)
- You are perfect just the way you are.
- We were so lucky to have you, and so happy when you were born.
- Thanks for folding the laundry. You are so helpful around the house.
- I’m proud that you apologized to your friend. You did the right thing.
To your friends:
- We are so proud of our son. He donated his toys to a needy family.
- Our daughter picked us flowers today. It was so sweet.
- Our daughter loves to read books. She’s the writer in the family.
- Our son is always the first one to volunteer to help with chores.
- My child made us a cake today, and it was delicious!
- Our son always makes us smile. He has a great sense of humor.
- Our daughter practices her piano every day. We love to hear her play.
Remember, children are listening. They hear everything you say about them. Watch how they will smile when they overhear their parents saying such nice things about them.
It will make them feel more important. It will make them feel loved. It will feel great to be appreciated and valued.
Don’t let your child be the sad one — the outsider of the family. Let her be the happy child who is secure in her parent’s love for her. Your words are powerful.
And your loving words will produce a future adult who will feel secure and loved.
Why do I feel so strongly about this? I’m a mother of four, who didn’t want to repeat a cycle of negativity. I vowed to say positive things to my children growing up. They flourished in school, careers, and their relationships. Now they’re all grown with self-confidence. They were listening.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Zika Radosavljevic on Unsplash
