—
We all have patterns.
Behavioral patterns to be more precise. That we pick up from our parents and lug through our lives like dragnets full of rocks (there are also positive patterns our parents instill, but obviously they don’t need fixing so we’ll just focus on the ones that do).
Working with so many men, I’ve found a common theme amongst those who really struggle to open up and express themselves properly with women: they had/have a critical father.
Some also had/have a critical mother but it’s almost always the father-son bond that’s much more problematic. Now you’re probably wondering, “What’s a woman got to say about a father/son relationship & the issues that come up?” And you’d be right.
But having worked with so many men and being in relationships with many who had a critical father, I see patterns. I see pain. I see so much emotional suppression that they block themselves from intimate relationships with women; this could be fixed if they had a healthy outlet for it.
I’m one of the people who work to help them heal that suppression. When you’ve had drummed into you for most of your childhood that you’re stupid, good for nothing, a no-hoper, can’t do anything right … and if you do you’re only met with grunts of ‘yeah it was ok’, it’s those crushing blows that affect your entire way of being.
Which means you spend your whole life holding yourself back from being who you really want to be.
♦◊♦
I see this most in Aussie men because we come from a culture where men showing emotion is so frowned upon and using any kind of perceived ‘feminine emotion’ (love, compassion, happiness) is weak. We shame men (yes, even women do it) for showing any kind of softness or weakness and so they don’t have an outlet or place to go to fully express themselves without fear of judgment and ridicule. And the high rates of male suicide are a testament to that.
It’s like the lid gets put on the jar and screwed up tight … which eventually pops off in an explosion of anger, depression, chronic anxiety and/or fractured relationships because he struggles to express himself to a woman. The problem with this is that a woman NEEDS to connect emotionally to a man to really feel something for him. If he’s shut down and doesn’t open up, it makes it extremely hard to build any kind of close loving relationship.
And did you know that if you can connect emotionally to your dad, then this will help you MASSIVELY in connecting emotionally to a woman? Why? Because you need to release some of that pent-up love you’re holding onto.
And you’ve held it in for so long … from your own father no less because you’re scared he’ll reject you if you try to give it to him. Stop doing that. Fearlessly love him and show him that fearless love.
When he sees that you’re not afraid of it, then what’s he gonna do? Fight back? Hell no.
You’ll break him. In a good way. And you’ll break you too. In a good way.
Then guess what happens? Women will be able to connect to your heart so much more easily because you’ve broken down the big wall that’s kept you from feeling anything deeply for anyone. You don’t need to guard who you are out of fear he’s going to hurt you when you no longer care about his reaction to it.
So here are 5 ways to heal from the wounds of criticism so you can forgive your father and open yourself up to an amazing woman:
1. Write Down Everything You Feel
If you’ve never really dug into your own emotions, now’s the time. Otherwise you’ll spend your whole life holding off from happiness because you’re too scared to ‘go there’. You have to ‘go there’.
And if you’re wearing deep level scars from the past and suffer deep depression or other mental illness, then I highly recommend counseling or seeing a psychologist to do this. For the rest of you, sit down and write. Or talk into the audio recorder in your phone if that’s easier – and just explode.
Say everything you’ve been dying to say. Talk out the mess in your head. The more you get it out, the lighter you’ll become. Make this a daily habit and then use your insights to become emotionally stronger but more in touch with your emotions as well.
You can also write him a letter to say everything you’ve always wanted to say.
2. Change the Dynamic Between You and Your Dad
If this is still going on, then it’s time to shift from the child version of you into the man version. It’s like when you go to your school reunion and your old bully’s there and you revert back from a man to that boy. This is the same pattern you have with your dad.
To empower yourself and finally free yourself from the clutches of his criticism, you need to stand up to him. So do things in your life that make you feel stronger and more assertive. There may have to be a showdown – but in most cases, changing the way you interact with him and your lack of tolerance to his little jibes, will stop him from doing it.
So if you normally react, give no reaction. Don’t even acknowledge him. Whatever your delivery, it needs to come from a strong, certain energy that gives off that ‘don’t mess with me’ or ‘I don’t give a damn’ vibe. You’ll know which one is best for him.
3. Understand That His Treatment of You is a Projection of His Own Failures
Dad’s suppressed too. So he’s likely used you as his emotional punching bag because his dad did the same to him. And down the generations it goes.
When you see him as a human who’s spent his whole life trying to hide from his failures, it’ll change the way you view him. He’s not a bad guy … he’s as insecure as anyone. But these insecurities have been hidden in the daggers he throws at everybody else.
He’s insecure about his ability to provide. About his shame around his parenting. About life not turning out how he wanted it to.
You know him best, so insert your own here. But having that compassion and understanding of where he’s coming from means that the pins he sticks into you won’t go so deep anymore. Because you know they’re about him and not you.
4. He Hasn’t Learnt a Better Way to Handle His Emotions
As you know, most dads are ‘old school’. There weren’t as many options for him to go and cry it out when things got hard. There’s so much more support for men these days in terms of groups, communities and services both on and offline.
Back 40 odd years ago, most of that stuff wasn’t around. So he’s operating from conditioned behaviors and beliefs that he’s held for 60 or more years. I believe that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks … but only when he’s experienced so much pain, that he’d give away his right arm to change.
But you can’t change him (unless he wants to), you can only change yourself which will influence changes in him. Our behavior is powerful in influencing other people – but you have to believe in it yourself and be ready to change to.
If you read through any of this and thought to yourself, ‘Yeah right – as if this is going to work with my dad’ – then rethink that.
You’re already admitting defeat and this is part of your problem. Even the hardest of men have their soft parts … you just need to learn how to tap into them … by tapping into your own first.
~Ains
If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts, there is help available.
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
—
Originally Published on The High Value Male
—
Photo Credit: Pexels.com