When Trevor met Violet, he was captivated by her sarcastic sense of humor, ability to hang with the boys (and drink them under the table), and her mesmerizing dance skills. He had been coming off a long term relationship that his ex ended, and which had shattered him, and Vi was the first girl to turn his head in the rough year that had followed the breakup.
At first, their relationship was “friendship plus:” platonic-ish with a side of flirty banter. Vi lived two states away — she is a traveling nurse — and after a steady stream of texting back and forth all day for months, she eventually started applying for jobs to be assigned near Trevor, and explore a different part of the country.
Vi has a sweet white pitbull rescue named Max who is extremely well-behaved, but part of why he’s so well-behaved is that Vi keeps him on a short leash, both literally and figuratively. Even at the off-leash dog park, she won’t let him sniff around and explore; She expects him to stay within 5 feet of her at all times. When Trevor commented on how well mannered Max was, Violet laughed and bragged about how she’s good at training men and dogs, both.
This should have raised an orange flag for Trevor. A sweet, passive, soft-spoken guy, he wasn’t looking for a woman to control and dominate him, but for cuddles and pets and back rubs. He wanted someone to love him up, and mistakenly thought he’d get that treatment from Vi.
Their relationship did eventually cross over into romantic and lasted about a year, during which she spoke to Trevor in much the same way she spoke to Max. When things ended, Trevor shook his head.
“I should have known,” he said.
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Shane grew up with both cats and dogs, but finds that he gravitates toward cats. He relishes the hard-won cuddles and purring that patience and respect wins him with the furry felines. He’s easy-going, and while he doesn’t dislike dogs, he would describe himself as a cat-dad.
He loves how independent they are, and how they roam where they will, not needing him, but when they come to find him in the house, it’s because they want to be near him. He loves when his little orange-and-white-striped furball Daphne plods into the living room, meows, and then leaps onto the couch when he settles to watch tv, spinning around a few times while kneading his legs like making biscuits before curling up on his lap. He loves petting her until her eyes close and her little motor starts rumbling, and he swears she smiles. And when Daphne has had enough, she gets up, stretches, and wanders off, and Shane lets her. He doesn’t snap at her to lie down again, or try to hold her in his lap. He just feels honored that she graced him with her presence for as long as she did.
Unsurprisingly, that’s very much how he treats his wife. He enjoys the time they spend together, but also appreciates that she’s independent, and enjoys her time to read or see her friends or play games on her phone. He asks her what her plans are, instead of telling her his and expecting hers to conform around him. There is an air of mutual respect between them.
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Mike has a black lab-and-pitbull mix named Lola that he loves to take hiking when he’s feeling energetic, and sit on the couch with when he’s not. Lola is one of the sweetest dogs there ever was, a tad anxious about separation, gentle, calm, and desires constant snuggles. Mike allows her up on the couch and she will sprawl out next to him, with her head in his lap while he strokes her super soft velvety ears and whispers “Who’s a good girl?”
On the rare occasions that Lola starts barking to alert Mike to strangers, she will keep his voice even and calm. “No thank you,” he tells her while he shakes his head. “No thank you.” It works, and she quiets.
Mike is also unflappable when he’s with his girlfriend Tracy. Tracy can be high energy, especially when she’s coming off a shift at work, and Mike will sit with her on the couch, stroking Tracy’s hair with one hand and Lola’s ears with the other, while he listens to Tracy talk about her day.
There is a sense of calmness, trust, and security between them.
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Noah and his wife Michelle have a fat old puggle named Beacon. Beacon is a sweetheart, but extremely barky — all the time — and is quietest when Michelle and the kids are in the kitchen while Michelle makes dinner. Beacon will waddle into the room, flop down in the center where it’s most inconvenient to step around him, and snore loudly. Michelle mostly ignores it. Sometimes Beacon will follow Noah outside while Noah is poking around the garage or working on his boat or one of the cars, but Beacon will bark at everything: A flower dropping off its stalk; a bicyclist whizzing by; the mailperson delivering mail at the box 50 yards down the driveway. And each time Noah barks back. “BEACON! SHUT UP! QUIET BEACON! SHUT. UP.” Eventually, Beacon does. This method doesn’t work as well on Michelle when Noah talks to her in a similar manner; She mostly ignores him too.
In each case, how a person treats their pet, who is dependent on them for love, affection, food, and the appropriate bathroom breaks, seems to be an indicator of how they also treat their partners.
Do they dress them up? Speak in baby voices? Put their animal in a stroller and parade around the neighborhood? This person likely either wants a baby or is looking to be a sugar momma for a younger, doting, dependent fella.
Do they bark back at their dogs, yelling at them to shut up, or lay down, or get off the furniture? Do they scream at their animal in exasperation? This person may have unresolved anger issues that explode when someone else handles a situation differently than they would. They’re likely to get mad at their partner preemptively, rather than finding out what prompted the course of action. They are also likely a strong disciplinarian, wanting a docile quiet family.
Do they seem more irritated than enthralled with this animal? This is likely a pet they adopted, not because they wanted a pet, but because it was a guilt trip or ultimatum. They are likely to go with the flow of things, but be passive-aggressive about it. Or they might feel trapped in their current situation and wish they were brave enough to seek an out.
Do they seem happy to see their pet, understand that their pet is just doing what is in their nature or what they’ve been trained to do, and lavish love and affection on their animal? They will likely also be extremely happy to see you, want to cuddle and be close, but won’t seek to control or dominate you. They’ll understand that you are not an extension of them, and respect you as your own sovereign person.
The way they treat their furry animal reflects how they’ll treat you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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