From as far back as I can remember I was always categorized as different. Everyone who ever met me said I was different and sometimes said that I was weird. Most of these people meant it in good spirit and they were and have been my friends but it was difficult to hear. I lived in a world where everyone else was normal and I was weird and I didn’t know what to make of it.
Being who I am and not striving to become like other people has helped me to improve with my writing, my mental health, and my overall well-being.
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In my earlier years when I only had a cognitive impairment which had not yet spiraled into schizoaffective disorder hearing this didn’t bother me much. I told them, “Yes, I am different, but I like the way that I am. The way that I am makes sense to me and it has worked thus far therefore there’s nothing to change.”
After developing schizoaffective disorder and living with it in my darkest days from ages nineteen to twenty five hearing these words took on a different meaning. It was now somewhat painful to hear that I was different or that I was weird because I was conscious of it. Being different took on a meaning in my mind that I have schizophrenia and bipolar disorder simultaneously and I don’t know how to fix it.
The most difficult part of knowing that I was different was knowing that I was socially dysfunctional and also not knowing how to change that. I knew I was awkward with socialization during and after all my awkward social moments but I wasn’t aware of how to repair any of it. I believe this tends to be the case with many people when they’re socially awkward. I was well aware that I was not good at socializing but I was in the process of learning how to become better at it. So hearing that I was different was emotionally salient because the very problem I was trying to correct was the way I was being identified. People would say,” You’re different, and you’re weird, but you’re okay with that.” I would reply that I am okay with that because it makes sense to me. I told them I’d rather be me over anyone else most days of the week even though my life was pretty difficult.
As I progressed with my social skills and began resolving issues that helped me become better at socialization I realized that it truly was a skill and a craft and it wasn’t just something innate. I previously had felt stuck with my social skills; not being able to improve them or go beyond what I knew. I learned just like anything else, socialization is something that can be improved upon with work and learning. I studied the way I socialized and reflected upon my practices and started making small changes. Like Nietzsche would say, I used “Short lived habits” where I progressed a bit and then took a break from improving. I continued to work and improve my skills and I got to a point where I was able to effectively socialize. Even today I’m still pretty awkward at times and I have continued to work on ways to become better at talking with people.
Some of it has to do with treating others the way I wanted to be treated. In prior years a number of people were cruel to me about my social ineptitude and this set a precedent for me to do that exact same thing with others. I had to go back through my memories and reassure myself that this wasn’t the right way to treat others while they were not doing well at socializing. I wrote things in my journal such as “Be nice to people when they don’t know what to say”. In the past when I didn’t know what to say or I struggled to express my thoughts people simply called me stupid or they were mean to me. I learned that in order to improve at socializing I had to be the better person and do the right thing in these situations. This means when someone doesn’t know what to say I help them along and help them to say something acceptable.
Doing so has set an expectation for me within my own mind that if I do say something awkward then someone is going to be nice to me. In truth it’s not always the case but at least if they’re mean to me I feel that they’re not justified in doing so. This takes the blame away from myself and posits it on the other person, thus improving myself esteem. (This is the case so long as I’m making an effort to do the right thing). It also gives me better clarity in the social situation. I previously thought if something was happening to me it was a direct result of something I was doing. I realized though that no one is compelling others to treat me poorly when I make an honest mistake. I’m now able to see how when someone is mean to me it’s simply a reflection of their inability to socialize and not my own.
I’m now able to see how when someone is mean to me it’s simply a reflection of their inability to socialize and not my own.
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As far as being different I still am different and will continue to be this way. While I was younger I tried getting along with and being like the rest of the group but it simply wasn’t true to who I am. I’ve learned people like me far better for who I am then for trying to be someone I am not. I have also liked myself better. Being who I am and not striving to become like other people has helped me to improve with my writing, my mental health, and my overall well-being. In a sense it is a “Will to Truth” (Nietzsche). With this will to truth I have given myself a clearer vision of the way things truly are and some of the distortions from past traumas with regards to schizoaffective disorder have been ironed out. Having better clarity has allowed me to resolve past traumas I previously wasn’t able to. I also learned that being different and being my own way has been the reason I have progressed so far in my recovery and development as a person. Being different has been something that I haven’t necessarily taken pride in or shunned myself in either. I simply like to assess what a situation needs and try to bring that to the table whether it’s conventional or non-conventional or normal or weird. The key for me has been to not have any predispositions. As I learned in sports the coaches tell you to “read and react” and do nothing more or less. This is what some situations require.
With my weirdness and differences I’ve learned some of them may have previously been detrimental but others have been positive character traits. I am who I am and I’ve learned to embrace that. A lot of my differences stem from a willingness to try and test new ways of life and socialization to gain a better understanding of what might work and what might not. This trial and error system has usually been one or two steps backwards and a number of steps forward. Without a disruption of the status quo no progress can be made. And as we know life is not static. Generally speaking we’re either progressing or regressing and in order to progress there has to be people who are willing to try new theories and to think and sometimes live outside the box and create their own geometric figure.
Photo by Ted Van Pelt