There comes a time in everyone’s life where they find themselves without someone to love romantically.
The romance that is shoved into your life from different sources is in no short supply, whether or not you’re single.
Singleness in and of itself is not a bad thing at all. Singleness gives us a freedom to make decisions that we wouldn’t have otherwise.
We choose our influences, choose how to spend our money, and we aren’t really signed up for many obligations.
We can veg out on the weekends and literally spend all day inside if we want. On the contrary, we can explore!
We can go wherever we want, do whatever we want, and basically hang out with anybody we feel like catching up with.
But as sure as the wind, that lonely feeling will find us. And when it does, yikes.
You’ll probably find yourself indulging in ice cream and sad movies all night. Maybe you call your mom and just talk.
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Loneliness Feels Bad
The misconception that we’re stuck with is that loneliness — singleness — must be a bad thing.
It feels bad. There’s a negative stigma surrounding it. We don’t want our friends and family to think we’re unbearable.
The problem is that we’ve created the negative stigma ourselves. Our society is set up to make us believe that if we’re not settled down with someone by the time we’re 25, something must be wrong with us.
This is a logical fallacy. There’s a type of false dichotomy that comes with being single.
We’re designed to think that we need to do an amount of things in a natural order by the time we’re a certain age. Go to school, get an education, get a job, find a spouse, start a family. Right?
This feeds the misconception that it’s just bad to be by yourself. It isn’t. And honestly, if you want a family some day, chances are you’ll have one.
But rushing into the thing because society puts a respective time clock on it is like getting a degree in engineering because it pays well.
Don’t do what society thinks you should do. Unless there’s some moral reason for getting an engineering degree, you should probably make sure it’s what you want right now.
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Write Your Reasons Down
I’m a big fan of putting thoughts to paper when it comes to dealing with emotionally taxing issues.
Why do you dislike being single? Why do you feel pessimistic about your “lonely” circumstances?
Honestly write down the reasons. It could be any little silly thing.
- My younger sibling is already married
- I’m the only one at work that is single
- My parents keep asking if I’ve met someone yet
- I want kids by X age
- I don’t feel like an adult
- I just went through a breakup
- I’ve been watching too many Ryan Reynolds rom/coms
- I feel lonely
The funny thing about your list is you might find 2 reasons out of 10 that are legitimate. And the best part — those reasons might be totally out of your control.
Did you recently move? Did you just go through a breakup and need time to heal first?
There are so many factors leading to why you’ve found singleness, but that doesn’t mean you should feel bad about it.
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How To Cope
No matter how much I try to encourage you or tell you it’s going to be okay, you have to ultimately believe it before you’ll feel better about it.
One of the things I always tell people to do is journal. Your thoughts and feelings are powerful. They have the ability to either uplift you or ruin your day.
Journaling is one of the most accessible versions of therapy. You don’t have to pay anyone to get your thoughts out. It’s just you and your paper.
Writing is an outlet for me. When I can get my thoughts out of my head and onto a blank canvas, I just feel better.
You still might not always feel great when you’re single. You’ll have your moments of loneliness for sure. But lean into the skid.
You learn so much about yourself when you give yourself time to breathe and become who you are without a romantic influence in your life. It really can be a positive life experience. It’s freeing.
Believing that truth over the contrary is key.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Anand Thakur on Unsplash