Sadly, our most common criticisms of marriage reveal much more about the critics than the state of contemporary romance.
As I mentioned in a previous article, I recently posed the question When did you figure out what marriage isn’t? to men over social media and during conversations with married (or divorced and separated) friends and colleagues.
I’ll present the “best of” in a future post. I realized I could very easily arrange the responses into two groups. The first group believes there is something inherently wrong with marriage. The second group believes there’s something flawed about our culture’s expectations and the way marriage is advertised to young lovers. The small sample of responders can’t indicate any larger social trend, but it’s worth noting that the former group outnumbered the latter by about three to one.
Interestingly, I did not ask people When did you figure out what the problem is with marriage? My question didn’t qualify marriage one way or another. Yet people chose to offer critiques, often lengthy ones, some of them rather angry. I happened on a conversation with a man in a cafe who claimed “Marriage would still be good if they didn’t ruin it.” I asked him to clarify who they were, and he went off on tangents, implicating feminism, government, the university system, traditional religions, postmodernism and Hollywood. I actually wish I had recorded the little rant. It showed just how hysterical we can get when we approach this subject, and how quickly we’ve learned to personalize blame, to fault things we don’t understand.
This post is a response to people like the angry man I met in the cafe.
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The error made by people who believe there is something intrinsically wrong with marriage is indicative, as I argued in a previous essay, of larger cultural problems. There has never been a time or place in human history when we could point to someone’s marriage and say, “This one’s typical,” or “Here’s the ideal.” Marriage has been a topic of interest long before 1950’s American suburbia became a fetish. Count the number of Shakespeare’s plays that present the institution’s nuances. Consider the relationships presented in Dangerous Liaisons. If you want a fascinating discussion (most likely a heated argument) about gender roles in marriage, read The Wife of Bath’s Tale, a late 14th century text, at your book club. It’s possible to interpret the prologue and story as an argument for a “model wife,” but it also suggests such a wife is rare. Another book that does this is The Bible, penned long before the Connecticut suburbs had blueprints.
How can I compare marriage to Rome? Quite easily. Rome, created by people, is ancient, complicated, never typical, less than ideal. It’s sublime at one turn and smells of sewage at the next.
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America, of course, where the divorce rate is high—and where many of these criticisms of marriage spawn—has a short memory and a deeply flawed relationship to history and information. We don’t just fascinate ourselves with myth and romance but actively switch fantastic beliefs for paradigms and vice versa. Our airwaves and Facebook feeds are filled with tracts from deluded folk who believe in Raptures, FEMA camps and the WWF. As an instructor at an urban community college, I’ve met many students who once belonged to gangs. Their noses and knuckles have been broken in street brawls, yet they believe WWF bouts are actual fights. I managed to convince one guy to rethink his belief by looking at the effects of blows in UFC matches. When he finally came to his senses, he was visibly shaken and rather moved. “WWF’s theater,” he said. “It’s like a play.” The young man, barely nineteen, actually said he felt betrayed.
America is very skilled at fabricating myths and realities, for ourselves and the rest of humanity.
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We don’t just create and watch Seinfeld. We believe in Seinfeld’s version of New York, that Tom’s Restaurant is usually empty and quiet (In reality it is almost always packed, bustling even at late hours), and that most New Yorkers have close relationships with the people in their buildings. We don’t just watch Friends. We believe that once we have graduated from college and found jobs, our relationships and apartments must resemble the kind in the show. And when we get married, our marriage—following an amazing wedding, accoutrements fit for royalty—will resemble the relationship of our favorite mythological lovers. I envision young women in five to ten years complaining to their therapists: “My husband’s nothing like Edward Cullen.” The men, in turn, will complain their wife is no Bella Swan, or borrowing a British romance, no Ginny Weasley.
Marriage feels like betrayal when we believe that any myth or romance—Harry Potter, Twilight, Cinderella, Maid in Manhattan, Pretty Woman—is a promise. The experience will be the same as staying up all night to meet Santa but witnessing dad bent under the tree in his briefs. If we believe that hot lovers will be waiting for us when we get off the train at Paris, we’re pissed when we find custodians and baguette shops full of old men. But that does not mean Paris is the problem.
This effect of mythology on our psyche becomes worse when we base sweeping conclusions on our very limited experience. Imagine, for example, that our friend goes to Rome. He finds clogged toilets and stale pizza in the train station, sweaty men waiting for busses, tables of cured meat pungent on a hot day. At the Vatican he is told, as he is wearing shorts, that he must buy trousers made of cat food bags if he’s to enter the Sistine. He buys the trousers because he’s about to meet God. Once in the Sistine, our little friend is shocked to find the ceiling adorned with uncensored butt cracks, small dicks, Eve’s tits and other semi-nudes. Pissed off at God and the Pope, his faith shattered, he goes to the nearest cafe to order a cappuccino and seethe. The waiter trips over a stray cat and the cappuccino lands in our friend’s lap, scalding his testicles. And this on the day before he must sit in a plane for eight hours! When he’s finally home, we meet up and ask, “How was Rome?” He rants: “Rome sucks. Just a bunch of clogged toilets, butt cracks, dicks. Rome will burn your balls.”
How can I compare marriage to Rome? Quite easily. Rome, created by people, is ancient, complicated, never typical, less than ideal. It’s sublime at one turn and smells of sewage at the next, yet no single corner of the city can be used to describe the whole, and no story will tell the city’s history, as no photo or painting will recreate its sprawling landscape. What remains of Rome today is small, perhaps trivial compared to what has lived and died in this labyrinth of so many souls: slaves and Caesars, actors and architects, orators and mutes. People come to Rome looking for all sorts of things: gods and sex, music and silence, Anita Eckberg swimming in the Trevi, photos of the Coliseum. There’s history and myth and love and death and coffee and gelato.
But the gelato is not Jupiter’s gelato or the Pope’s gelato, and the Anita Eckberg of 1960 will not stick her boobs in my face when my tongue licks vanilla. It’s just cream and sugar. I cannot blame the gelato for failing to conjure Anita Eckberg’s boobs, no matter how full and white and perfect the globes of frozen cream looked before I inserted my spoon. When Anita fails to appear, I must blame, if I am wise, my expectations, and then trace them back, wonder how I could have expected anything beyond cream and sugar when I had specifically ordered cream and sugar. If I am not satisfied by cream and sugar, I must order something to my satisfaction. But it must be on the menu before me, not the one in my dreams.
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Photo: iStock
I agree about the expectations. I divorced young and while there are a lot of reasons why it had to be done I went in with the expectation that it was all going to be ok and didn’t think of the practicality of it and the fact that love doesn’t pay the rent and like issues. Now 10 years later having experimented with different relationship scenarios I’m just not interesting marriage. I could happily be in a relationship without having to do the whole marriage thing because it’s just not important to me. If I agreed upon in the relationship… Read more »
Gint, Bravo on another article well done. Your analogies are perfect and you make a very salient, concise point. Every marriage – every last one of them! – has its flaws. The most disturbing myth I’ve encountered is this idea that Love Conquers All. You see it everywhere, in fairytales and sitcoms and even serious dramas. Family Guy and the Simpsons, for instance, featuring wives that put up with absolutely batsh!t crazy behavior from their husbands only to give them a kiss and a “at least you tried” or “I love you anyway” at the end of an episode. Just… Read more »
My 2 cents … The only thing that I wanted to emulate in relationship to my parents long marriage until death did they part was their tenacity and determination to make it work during good times and in bad. I was 20 when my dad passed away at the age of 62. I am now 58 so do the math. There was a great generation gap between us. My wants and desires were expectedly different then my parents, we lived in different times yet there was one consistency and that was an undying love for our wives, no matter how… Read more »
Raegus, it is a shame you are so cynical at such a young age. You have much to learn, and I don’t mean that as an insult. I say that with almost 20 years more life experience than you. May you find peace and happiness in your life.
You’re talking liek that but you have NO life experience being in a relationship with the women of my generation. Not many are worthy of anything more than one night stands, even though love at the beginning of a relationship can blind you to that.
Raegus, yeah, things are different these days, but girls are still girls, women are still women, life is still life. People and relationships do not change that much. I know people in your generation, relatives, friends…I do not believe the differences are as drastic as you may think. And that is exactly my point, I’m sure you think you have a pretty good idea about the world, probably think you’re pretty wise…we all did at your age. That statement may be interpreted as an attack, but I assure you it is not. It comes from life experience. Sure, I don’t… Read more »
I wish that were so. Instead girls are more like boys than girls. Women more like men than women. My problem is I don’t find masculinity attractive, so I don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who has a vagina. But these aren’t really things you can notice from the occasional interaction with girls my age. You have to live with them and be around them a lot to really notice it. And that’s the problems BEFORE marriage. I envy the generations before me
Raegus – Women respect a leader-like quality. One recommendation is to start developing a healthy reading habit on leadership and exposing yourself to leadership activities in your early 20s. By your mid-late 20s those leadership habits will transcend into all of your relationships. You’ll start attracting “quality” women over quantity and avoid some of those macho women.
John Maxwell’s books are a good start. 21 Irrefutable Laws on Leadership and Developing Leaders Around You are two inexpensives titles.
That’s the problem Joan, I’m not talking about random trash off the street. I AM talking about quality women (attractive, college educated, good career about to start). And please note that I didn’t say macho, I said masculine, might not seem it but there is a big difference. Women of my generation have basically been taught femininity = weakness. You know, they have to present themselves as being as strong as men and if they show a feminine side they’re letting women everywhere down. If they let a man make a decision they’re letting women everywhere down. That’s a common… Read more »
So Raegus, if I’m reading you right, you find empowered women (those who take control in their own lives) unattractive, and are attracted to women who are less dominant/tdominating, who are OK with you taking the lead and being the decision-maker, and who aren’t committed to upholding certain femi nist expectations. Nothing wrong with that, but I’d agree that you will probably have a harder time finding such women in our generation (I’m 25). Cultural shifts have created an environment where girls are brought up already trained to be empowered women. Even women who shudder to associate themselves with the… Read more »
I apreciate you taking the time to reply to me, KKZ. It’s not that I find empowered women unattractive, in fact I’d much rather a woman with a career comparable to my own (which isn’t anything too great, I’m a newly-qualified teacher) than a housewife. It’s that there are a lot of women these days who take ANY sign of decision making from the man as an oppressive relationship. Either he is a completely emasculated servant or he is an oppressive throwback from the 1800s. This is my experience with (fairly prestigious) college educated women, they have victim mentalities of… Read more »
@Raegus, I sense your exasperation, and I remember how much I disliked dating (at least the search part). You don’t have to look hard to see a lot of superficiality and injustice in just getting a chance to get to know someone you find attractive (unless you look like Brad Pitt, or in the case of your generation, a sparkly vampire). I read in your posts, as well as KKZ’s, a lot of gender role confusion and shifting expectations. This is nothing new, I think this has been happening for a few generations. It is hard enough for men and… Read more »
Well said, Derek. I’d agree that confusion over gender roles is hardly a new thing, but each generation experiences it in their own way – or really, each individual. Raegus, I too sense your exasperation, and you’re certainly not the only man I know who’s frustrated that the selection of women at hand (whether that be women in your geographical area, or women you meet online) doesn’t live up to your expectations/standards. I’m not sure what pool of women you’ve been drawing from, but I’d like to say that attitude you describe, an extreme resistance to anything that smacks of… Read more »
@Derek… I am 50 but spend quite a bit of time around young people. These young men and women are in their 20s. My observation is that their behavior and conduct is radically different. It seems to me that relationships are no longer valued with this generation. Also, the definition of a relationship (know as ‘ship) is pretty loose and lacks any real kind of consensus meaning. It is a like some kind of mush. There is “going out”, dating, “hanging out”, hooking up, just friends (but screwing), ….The words boyfriend and girlfriend are antiquated with most of them. I… Read more »
Jules, one thing I was unclear of from your story, did Ashley specify a male friend gave her the bracelet? (I lost you a little in the quotation marks at the end there.) Because as a woman, my first thought at “My friend gave it to me” is that she received it from a female friend. But it could be that she was specific and I just read you wrong. Being in the generation you speak of, I would agree there’s a good deal of fuzziness between platonic, romantic, and sexual relationships between the genders, a blurring that maybe generations… Read more »
“When Anita fails to appear, I must blame, if I am wise, my expectations, and then trace them back, wonder how I could have expected anything beyond cream and sugar when I had specifically ordered cream and sugar. If I am not satisfied by cream and sugar, I must order something to my satisfaction. But it must be on the menu before me, not the one in my dreams.” Great article. You said it bluntly and perfectly…you must blame your expectations. I’m 27 and divorced and 100% agree with you that we cannot blame society, the media or even our… Read more »
What a wonderful comparison. Like Rome Marrage is a living breathing enterty, full of life and wonder. There are smelly, noisy, dirty bits, but this is part of what makes it a joy. As nice as a romance novel in Rome may be, all empty piazzas and loving moments, it would soon loose its sheen. I went to Rome for my honeymoon, and I am glad nither my marrage or Rome are like a romance novel, they are full of life and sometimes life smells of rotting garbage. I love both my wife and Rome because of there imperfections, not… Read more »
Safe to say that marriage wasn’t built in a day. Some days its Mussolini, some days DaVinci, the best days are espresso.
The problem with marriage is men have no protection whatsoever. I can’t even comprehend why any guy in my generation would get married as opposed to just staying in a relationship (or one night stands).
Not sure what your generation is but I am 24 and will be getting married next year. My best friend from high school just recently got married and my brother and best friend will be getting married this year. The first question I have is what do we need protection from? I love my fiance very much and am really looking forward to being married to her for the rest of my life. I don’t feel like I need protection from her or anything else that will come with marriage. To help you understand why someone from my generation would… Read more »
I’m 23. And let’s see if you sing the same tune once you’re married. Or even when you’re divorced. I figured ignorance and/or blind love was the reason.
You didn’t answer the question. What is we(men) need protection from? You state that you don’t comprehend why anyone would get married but you give no reasons why we(men) shouldn’t get married or why we(men) should stay single.
23 and he thinks he knows what is wrong with marrage… At 23 your in no place to tell people they should not get married, when few, if any, people you can talk to as equals are married.
If your going in to a marrage worrying about what you are going to get out at the end it’s probably not right for you, but that dosn’t mean its wrong for everyone, or even most.
Zac, Best of luck on your marriage! I am 41, married when I was your age and had the exact expectations and best intentions that you now have. And so do most people in this country that marry, even though the divorce rate is over 50%. You’ve heard the saying, “hindsight is 20/20…” I’m not here to tell you not to get married, rather point out that we aren’t always equipped with what we need to keep our relationships healthy for the long run, even if we think we are. I’ve been married over 16 years and we’re struggling to… Read more »
@Derek….
Great advice!
I tell young men and women to really try to educate themselves on all that marriage involves. Most people go into it blindly. So did I. I never thought I would need to do anything other than what I observed others doing.
Thanks for the book reference.
Zac, you ask what men need to be protected from… unfortunately, we ALL go into marriage feeling EXACTLY like you say you do. But shit happens, people change, grow apart, myriad of things get in the way and it is so hard to predict (unless you do your homework and stay proactive)… but traditionally, we men get screwed in divorce, especially if you are the sole bread-winner. Those are the facts. Times are changing, but still women are more likely to get custody, alimony, etc… We came very close to divorce, hopefully are beyond that now, but even if all… Read more »
In reply to Zac, et al, First of all, I don’t think age is a decisive factor in whether someone is right or wrong about “what marriage is like.” A statement is true or false (or a mixture) on its own terms, not based on the age of the person saying it. That being said, I think the “fusion” idea of marriage can be disastrous for a lot of people. A spouse still has an individual identity, whether the marriage is supposed to allow that or not. Being fused into one flesh sounds very romantic and spiritual and transformative, but… Read more »
No need to protect yourself? Tisk tisk, a fool and his money will quickly be parted.
“Sadly, our most common criticisms of marriage reveal much more about the critics than the state of contemporary romance.”
So… rather than actually addressing people’s problems with marriage, you’re going to stick your fingers in your ears and scream, ‘La La La La – I can’t hear you!’. Or rather, in this case, ‘I won’t address your issues. You agree with me, therefore you are a bad person!’.
Marriage is a coin toss, and family court, a joke. You can’t stonewall your way out of that problem — though it should be said, you clearly intend to try.
I wonder what kind of protection do you mean?!