In preparation for an article, I recently posed this question to readers over social media (and in off-the-cuff conversations): When did you figure out what marriage isn’t? While I did not receive very many answers, the ones I did get were fascinating. As I expected, some people took the opportunity to rant, to suggest new marriage laws, entirely new social mores, and others spewed transparent sociological theories. If we implemented what these (always anonymous) people advocate, they would finally get what they really want, always at the expense of someone else’s desires. Conversations about marriage seem to bring those people out of the woodwork.
I will summarize the complete findings of my inquiry in a future post. Today I’d like to share this response that came from someone whose identity I have personally chosen to hide. It came virtually at the moment I thought I had gathered enough answers to finally start composing my article. I think his answer is worth reading all on its own and requires no commentary.
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Ben writes:
I’ve never been married. I’m twenty. Some might say that disqualifies me from commenting. But I do believe I have realized what marriage isn’t. All idealized images of love and romance we find in movies and books aren’t completely real, however desirable. I just realized there were many myths surrounding relationships and expectations. Here are some of myths I discovered.
If you find the ‘right person’, everything will work out
Well, no. This fosters a very egocentric view of a relationship where nothing can be your fault. Even if you are highly compatible with someone, there are going to be mistakes and imperfections you’ll need to navigate. The famous relationship psychologist Gottman talks about the golden ratio – that is, healthy and happy relationships and marriages have a ratio of 5 to 1 between positive and negative interactions. That should be sought after, but there is still the likelihood that you will have a less than golden ratio with your partner and you’ll have to learn to navigate through it with maturity.
If you get married, all your sexual desires will be fulfilled.
This myth is common among singles. I don’t know why. I don’t know anyone who has been married for any prolonged amount of time who will tell you this honestly. I guess this myth is perpetuated by those who advocate for abstinence and sex only inside of marriage. Perhaps this myth helps people believe waiting is worth it. The truth is that married men still watch porn, and developing a satisfying sexual relationship isn’t as easy as most people think. Sexual intimacy is more complicated than we’d like to believe. Like Jeff Foxworthy said, “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.”
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Those are the two main myths that come to mind. I think people underestimate how hard marriage can be. Maybe people idealize it to make it easier to desire and fit in with society’s or their family’s expectations.
Photo credit: iStock
This post has been republished to Medium.
Marriage isn’t worth it.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/when-did-you-figure-out-what-marriage-isnt/
You can probably guess what I’m going to say, because I’m like a broken record on this. There is no such thing as Marriage With a Capital M. It’s probably impossible to say something that applies to all marriages all around the world. There is really just an aggregate of individual marriages, loosely lumped together sometimes by the common ideas that some people have about what marriage should be and shouldn’t be. When you discover “what Marriage isn’t,” what you’re really discovering is “what your marriage isn’t.” The biggest misconception of marriage is the assumption that all good marriages are… Read more »
We didn’t write our own vows and have managed to stick with what we committed to 38 years ago. I honestly believe that it was to our benefit that we married young. We weren’t set in our ways and grew together and made the other part of who we became.
@D-vision …It was totally worth it for me. Can’t see myself ever being single. My wife and I banter about who wants to go first because neither of us want to live without the other. Yeah, in my case, definitely worth it.
Wow, what great insight from a 20-year-old male! I’d say he has a leg up on the ‘game’ by realizing these things so early on. I think these are conclusions that most people, men and women, come to eventually, but usually after having been burned – and then the conclusions might come tinged with bitterness.
“When did you figure out what marriage isn’t?” That is a great question… We only got married after being together and LDR for 10 years…if you can get through grad school and career start-up years together (or sort of together), then you can get through anything….that kind of training tends to shatter all your illusions and helps you to get real and prioritize what is important in life… That said….our relationship has definitely not been perfect…and there have been many times I did not speak freely or as honestly as I should have because I was afraid of losing the… Read more »
First year of my marriage sucked. My wife had this fantasy as to what marriage would be like. She had the proverbial rose colored glasses on and when she took them off, it was completely different. We worked at it and 38 years later, I can’t see my life with anyone else. Let’s face it, people base what they expect in life on what they see in movies and TV. Just like people thought living in Manhattan with friends (the TV show Friends) was attainable when most of the time the friends were struggling financially and often times unemployed. How… Read more »