Jordan Gray says that, no matter how hard you try, you can’t outsource your growth to your partner.
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What do you get out of your romantic relationships?
What do you most consistently look for in a partner?
What are the non-negotiable things that you know that your potential partner has to have as a character trait in order for you to consider them as an option?
What lacking trait has made you let go of people that were otherwise good for you in the past?
Too many people treat their intimate partners like need-filling machines that they can latch on to and grow from.
But all too often, if there’s something that you know that you consistently get from your partners, that thing may be the hint as to where you need to grow the most.
Want some examples?
You need a partner with drive and ambition because you lack the ability to direct your own life.
You need a partner who has unparalleled willpower because you lack the ability to self-monitor.
You need a partner who is supremely nurturing because you are so sparse with your self-nurturing.
You need a partner who has mastered emotional intelligence because you find it exceedingly difficult to access your own feelings.
You need a partner who is exceptionally lavish with their verbal praise because you need a voice to try and counteract the negative self-talk in your own mind.
Whatever the thing is that you find yourself needing the most from your partners is often the thing that you need to work on the most.
Yes, your partner is by your side to help support you in your journey. But while there is absolutely nothing wrong with leaning on your partner for support, if your only source of praise/validation/drive/nurturing/relaxation/insert-any-trait-here is your partner, then you might need to try finding some balance in getting your needs met.
Do you agree or disagree?
Tell me in the comments below.
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You can see more of Jordan’s best writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
What I need from my wife is sex, any sex would be nice, I’m open minded and considerate. As opposed to nothing at all and complete rejection in that department. I suspect it wouldn’t be too popular if I decided to get that need met elsewhere, so I’m a bit stuck in a sexless marriage, no matter what I do. Leave, and let the kids grow up without their father? I’d be grateful for some advice from the author of this article as to what a man is supposed to do in this situation. There are lots of needs that… Read more »
You say you’ve done everything so i’ll assume you have. Did you ask your mate specifically if she, duh, he, is asexual? Some folks are. If it’s the affirmative then you either feal with it, assuming it is not you personally, by free masturbation , which is fine, or leaving the marriage on good terms, so that each of you have the life you want. Really it’s pretty simple. What do you want and need and then go get it. I really wish you well.
Thanks Mark for your reply and your wishes.
No she’s not asexual. She says she has a really high libido and wants sex with a man (nobody specific in mind, she says), but just doesn’t find me attractive any more, and has no desire to have sex or any other physical intimacy with me.
Masturbation is ok up to a point but I find her really attractive still and it’s kind of torture living so close with someone like that when they don’t want you in return.
I wish leaving the marriage was as simple as you suggest it is.
It’s a brave new world for relationships. Wishing to magically acquire the traits of your partner is a recipe for disaster. With less need for financial dependence people have more options and need better reasons to stay together! Having a dynamic relationship that allows for growth is the key for most couples.
“You need a partner with drive and ambition because you lack the ability to direct your own life…” Yup…my ex tried to piggyback onto my academic and career goals…I think he initially tried to encourage me and support me with the hope that I would pull him up the ladder afterwards…in retrospect, I didn’t notice his scheming and manipulation at the time….plus I was so young and focused on myself…how could I possibly help him? Towards the end, he was uber-controlling and irritable as I became more independent and confident…eventually, I had to cut him loose…he was dragging on me… Read more »
My (now ex) partner and I couldn’t have been more different. I haven’t lived anywhere longer than four years and he had never left the city he grew up in. I (only semi consciously) saw chaos as being alive, and would find ways to create drama in my life. He ordered his life in order to minimize any unexpected occurances. My emotional world was very dramatic and messy, he preferred not to acknowledge his. I was attracted to him because he was kind, and I experienced a sense of safety when I was with him. He was attracted to the… Read more »
Rose – Your comments ring so true…if a person is conscious of the other person’s “opposite” or lets say ‘more evolved’ traits and makes an effort to integrate them, it can be a really souful experience even if it doesn’t lead to marriage.
Today its’ a brave new world of relationship.
People have so many choices today that the relationship need to be “value added”. Old school glue of dependence won’t work. Having a dynamic that promotes growth is the key to this brave new world.
Jordan – great insight!
I think you’re correct when the yin yang thing gets too large of a spread. That’s when it becomes codependency rather than bringing out the best in others and self. Perhaps that may be one reason the divorce rates are astronomical.
Correction… the divorce rate USED TO be astronomical (yay! good news!) 🙂
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html?_r=0