Your Ultimate Guide to a Loving Relationship

I use to act that not being in a relationship didn’t bother me.

But it did.

It was easier, I thought, to act like it wasn’t a problem.

But a problem doesn’t cease to exist because you think it not to be so.

If you want a partner and you don’t, it’s a problem.

If you are in a relationship and you aren’t happy. That’s a problem.

To resolve your problem identify and understand the dynamics of the pattern in your relationship.

You can do this irrespective of whether you currently are in a relationship or not.

The pattern is called the Drama Triangle.

Understand the nuances of this pattern in your intimate relationship. This knowledge will be the launchpad into a new loving relationship or revitalize your existing relationship.

Not taking responsibility for my part in the Drama Triangle was why I was single for 14 years.

The Pattern to End All Patterns

Psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 60s described a toxic power dynamic that plays out in relationships. He called it the Drama Triangle. He described how you take on various roles in your relationship.

The roles are the victim (the person in distress), persecutor (villain), and, rescuer (hero.)

Unconsciously, with your partner, you take on one or more of these roles within your relationship.

When I first heard about this dynamic, I had an ‘a-ha’ moment. One like no other. All these short-term connections with women who were plagued with problems flash across my mind.

I took on the role of rescuer. I took pride in the fact that I was a self-appointed authority on nearly every subject. This enabled me to give unwanted advice. In the process, I felt great about myself.

The rescuer uses power and domination over their partner to make themselves feel good. As they look to ‘help’ the victim.

The victim has the uncanny ability to induce a sense of sympathy in their partner. The victim does this by behaving helplessly.

The persecutor displays hostile and harassing behaviors towards the victim.

The victim can move into the role of persecutor. The victim behaves in this way when the rescuer doesn’t help them. The rescuer can move into the role of the persecutor when the victim doesn’t take their advice.

In my relationship, Mrs. B took on the role of victim. In my eyes, there was always a problem she had. I was there to save her. Upon reflection what I viewed as problems were not always problems.

But to enable me to play out this pattern I viewed situations in her life as problems.

How did this play out with your parents?

It can be hard to admit your part in an unhealthy relationship. To make it easier for you, examine a relationship outside of yourself first. Looking at your parent’s relationship can be an insightful place to begin.

I thought to myself when I had this realization where did I get this problem from. I didn’t have to look too far.

As a child, you take on and learn a lot from your partners. Some of it is healthy and some of the things not so much.

For ease of explanation, I will explain the following relationship dynamic from the perspective of a male/female relationship. Note the relationship is about the dominant energy the parent has rather than their gender. Dominant energy has been related to masculine and feminine energies.

If you are male, you would have learned how to relate to women from your dad. If you are female, you would have learned how to relate to men from your mom.

It will come as no surprise to you that my dad was very dominant. A take control type of guy. Common traits in a rescuer and persecutor.

My mum was more passive. The things outside of herself determined what happened and how she felt. Common traits in a victim.

This same Drama Triangle that had plagued me, without even realizing it, was played out with my parents.

Think back to who took on what roles in your parent’s relationship.

Incidentally, you will also be playing this Drama Triangle not only in your current or past relationships but with your opposite-sex parent as well.

I am that darn fool

I had this ‘a-ha’ moment at a men’s group where I had Drama Triangle explained to me. Instances I understood and identified with it. And in that instance, a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I could see the negative part I played in my unhappy relationships.

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell Mrs. B that she was a victim. And when arrived home I did tell her, it didn’t go down to tool. I thought why doesn’t she get this.

Understanding why I behaved in this way and her response. Plus, how I moved forward requires more explanation.

The 4 Horsemen

Adapting and holding in place the Drama Triangle is what Drs John and Julie Gottman call ‘The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.’

The 4 horsemen are communication styles.

Criticism (persecutor and victim.) Is expressing your disapproval of your partner on what you perceived to be a fault or mistake carried out by them.

When you communicate in this way you think you are critical of their behavior. But the real problem is you are attacking who your partner is at their core.

Contempt (persecutor.) You communicate to your partner a message that they are worthless or beneath consideration. You think you know better than your partner.

This takes the form of name-calling, mocking, and ridiculing your partner. All to get them to do and behave in a way that you want.

Defensiveness (Victim.) You look to defend or protect yourself in the face of an attack.

You would engage in this type of communication style in response to being criticized.

You don’t look to take the concerns of your partner seriously. Furthermore, you don’t want to take responsibility for your part in the problem.

Stonewalling (Victim.) You withdraw and shut down from interacting with your partner.

You feel a sense of being overwhelmed. Your behaviors would include not listening to your partner, not talking, physically turning away from them, and avoiding eye contact.

With any problem, you first need to be aware of it. When you are aware of the problem this is the starting point to eliminating these destructive behaviors.

Practices to Move Forward

Armed with an awareness of your roles and communication styles you are better positioned to move forward.

Buy-In

While you are now feeling inspired your partner may not be. For a relationship to work both of you must be motivated to improve your relationship. For your partner to buy into this process of improving your relationship you must communicate this to them in a responsible manner.

When you go to communicate your newfound realization you may slip back into using the 4 horsemen. If your partner responds negatively. You no doubt have.

This is what happened to me.

When I first communicate the Drama Triangle was being played out in our relationship with Mrs. B it didn’t start very well.

After explaining the Drama Triangle. I went on to explain to her how she was a victim. I also thought it was a great idea to tell her about all how she behaviors like a victim. As you could imagine this didn’t sit well with her. The stonewall came down and mighty fast.

The thing is with an unconscious pattern you cannot help but act out on it.

I slipped straight back into being the hero. I thought I could save her by explaining how she was being a victim.

So I stopped and thought about it.

I changed tact, I poured my heart to her about my part in the Drama Triangle. I spoke about ways in which I was acting as the hero and persecutor in our relationship. And how I was hurting her in the way I was communicating to her.

I then stopped and waited.

By this stage, she had uncrossed her arms and was looking at me. She then started to talk about how the dynamic I explained at the start made sense. How she could identify with the victim role.

A weight had been lifted from our relationship.

If you want to resolve this issue you need buy-in from your partner. For this to happen take responsibility for what part.

Courses

All relationships can be emotionally charged. Intimate relationships especially so.

Reading an article or watching a clip on YouTube can be helpful.

But doing a course can provide a set structure to explore your issues in the relationship a whole lot better. This structure will provide safe boundaries for you and your partner to open up.

Two places to start are the following:

The Gottman Institute — They have several courses that can be done online. The courses look to address the 4 horsemen, conflict management, and building a loving relationship.

The Marriage Course — a 7-week course which focuses each week on a specific topic. You do not need to be married to do the course. There is an occasional reference to the church. But don’t like this deter you from getting involved.

The course was designed and packaged by an English couple. Organizations can then facilitate the delivery of the course via weekly meetings. There are videos and a journal book that accompany the course. Some journal exercises are completed during the 2 hours meet-up each week. While other exercises are to be completed with your partner before the next meeting.

What you discuss as a couple when doing the exercises is not shared with other members of the group.

We did the course online and the facilitator mutes all the couple’s mics.

Set a time

It’s all very well to enroll in a course. But the power of it lies in doing the course.

If you don’t set a time each week, undisturbed, to do the course you will eventually let outside distractions take over.

You will be motivated the first week or 2, but after that, you will stop.

Set a time and day each week that you both commit to sitting down together to do the course.

If you still find it hard to commit, join a course that has a set time where you need to join in as part of the group. You will find this will be the case with the marriage course.

Concluding thoughts: There is a sense of freedom that comes with a realization of how you were bound by an unconscious pattern.

Note that even when you are aware of your role, it will continue to play out.

Be aware and be on guard. But most of all support and love your partner.

If you change how you respond to them. The dynamic of the relationship will change. And change fast.

If you are committed to growth and it doesn’t happen, then continue to focus on yourself to find out why not. But not in a critical way. Look to understand why what is happening is happening.

Knowledge removes how you are stuck in the problem through increased awareness. Which in turn drives behavioral change.

You are the problem. You are the solution.

…

If you like stories like these and would like to support me as a writer, for just $5/month, you can sign up to become a Medium member, which will give you unlimited access to all of the stories on Medium. Signing up via my link will give me a small commission at no extra cost to you.

This is my link to read unlimited articles.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***