You’re Finally Over Them. Now What?

It took you weeks, or months, or even years. You cried, overanalyzed, raged, distracted yourself, cried some more, slept too much or too little, ate too much or too little, and slowly clawed your way back from the depths of heartbreak. You reached the final stage of grieving — acceptance — and you made your (reluctant) peace with the fact that this relationship is over and this person is no longer your person.

So, why don’t you feel good yet?

Okay, yes, you do feel a lot better, but that’s not really saying much because you were basically rock-bottom emotionally. And better isn’t the same as feeling like yourself again. Better isn’t the same as actually being okay.

I’d describe this strange post-breakup stage as limbo, in the sense of being a transition state between heartbroken and fully mended. It’s a landscape of uncertainty where you wander around being careful of your newly healed wounds and frequently looking over your shoulder in case something is still lurking there. It isn’t, but it will take a while to trust that.

Just like the stages of grieving, you can’t predict or dictate how long limbo will last. But even though it’s not where you want to end up long term, there are some things to appreciate while you’re in it. First is the quiet — the absence of the noise created by near-constant thoughts of your former partner. You may have forgotten what a quiet mind sounds like, so take some time to enjoy it.

There may also be a sort of numbness that takes over for a while, and this can be disconcerting because it’s a symptom often associated with depression. However, this limbo numbness isn’t a total void of feeling; it’s more of a temporary dulling of sensation after a period when your emotions were firing at maximum capacity. You’re still feeling things, but the volume has been turned way down.

You will likely feel exhausted. Again, don’t confuse this with depression-related fatigue. Just be aware of the devastating toll grief and loss can take on the body, and give yourself permission to rest and recharge when possible. This is the stage when sleep becomes restorative again, instead of an opportunity for tortured thoughts to take over your mind.

Lastly, there are the questions that start to come up when you’re in limbo. These aren’t the “why” questions common during grieving, but instead questions like, “When will I be ready to try this whole love thing again?” and “What’s next for me?” Even if you don’t have answers yet, starting to ask yourself these kinds of questions is an excellent sign. They are forward-looking — the things you ask when you know a new chapter of your life is about to begin. These questions don’t come up until you’re nearly healed.

Limbo doesn’t feel great, but it also doesn’t hurt. It’s not your desired destination, but it’s also a whole heck of a lot better than where you just came from. It’s the dimly lit room where your eyes start to adjust after a long period of darkness, getting you ready to walk out into bright sunlight.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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