No one told Mark Belden he could work on becoming a better man without resorting to tactics. He had to find out himself, and now he is thankful.
“Did you die the roots of your hair a darker color intentionally?”
That was a pick up line I was told to use years ago when I was first figuring out my dating life. It was at a loud house party in high school. I was way too drunk, and she probably was too.
The line was supposed to be funny, but also convey “my higher status.” I wish I could say I felt like a douche saying it. But at the time I had no other alternatives. I do feel like a douche now admitting that I said that line.
No one told me I could just work on becoming a better man and I wouldn’t have to rely on tactics or lines.
I know a lot of you guys are pretty young here. High school and college age. I’m not too far ahead of you, I’m only 26.
I see a lot of stuff here that is very tactical based. Truth be told, a lot of tactics do work. You can “neg” a girl and she will think your higher status, and maybe you can hook up with her later.
Except intelligent women who value and hold themselves to a higher standard. That’s what you aren’t taught. Sure, you can have sex with as many emotionally empty, approval-seeking women as you want. If that’s your goal — you’re probably on the right track.
I’m not here to say who’s right and wrong. I’ve gone down both roads. PUA routines, and just doing what I felt right. Both will get you results.
What didn’t work for me with PUA material is that I’m an analytical introvert. Sometimes I get in my head. I don’t feel natural walking up to large groups of people and starting a conversation.
I also felt like a total jackass using other people’s words and routines.
But you know what? I found a lot of success with not only dating and women, but my social life.
This post is for the introverts who like connecting with people one on one.
Not giving a f*ck
“Not giving a fuck” is a popular tactic because what you are really doing is not internalizing a woman’s lack of interest.
When a girl isn’t into you, it stings. So not caring about it makes it sting less.
But, it didn’t work for me.
In fact, I do give a rip. I certainly do when a girl wants to go on a date with me. I want her to know I’m happy to share that moment with her. I’m also happy to be brutally honest with her and to be clear on what I want in life. If that matches with what she wants, awesome, if not – that’s OK, too.
Of course, this tactic can have negative effects. If you never care, you are lacking the capacity to connect on a deeper human level. Sometimes it’s required to invest of yourself a little and put yourself on the line.
The term “rejection” is completely ridiculous when it comes to dating advice. Rejection is a term used in business. Authors trying to get their book published get rejected because it needs improvement. Networks who pitch their reality show idea in LA get rejected because it’s not trashy enough for MTV.
When a girl isn’t into you — she’s not into you — no big deal. Rejection is a choice YOU make about the event. If you want to decide that you are ugly, not funny enough, or not confident enough because a girl simply wasn’t interested — that’s your choice.
OR… you can wake up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around you and stop taking it personally.
She’s not into me? Thank you for not letting us waste each other’s time. The LAST thing I want is a date out of pity.
The interesting thing about desperation is that it creeps into our lives one hit at a time. Just like a crack addict slowly sacrifices who they are just to get one more hit. It’s no different for guys wanting to figure out how to connect with women.
It’s not easy to admit desperation. It feels dirty, and we want to keep up our appearance of being strong and holding it together. After all, that’s being “alpha” isn’t it? When I was still a virgin and I found out my friend had just gotten laid, I felt incredibly jealous. Of course I cheered him on like any good friend should — but it ate me alive.
What am I doing wrong? I HAVE to get laid soon or else I will fall behind.
I started drinking MORE at parties and reading more PUA material. I started treating getting laid like it was some kind of numbers game.
Tonight it will happen. I just need the perfect line and mix of whiskey and I’ll nail it!
I never nailed it.
It’s a numbers game
Actually, no it’s not.
It’s a numbers game if you are desperate, try the same thing every time and spray and pray when you go out to parties.
- Using the same line and routine every time is a numbers game
- Getting really hammered hoping you say the perfect string of funny lines and witty remarks is a numbers game.
- Logging onto Tinder and following a copy and pasted formula that some other guy used on his vacation in Las Vegas is a numbers game.
- Reading someones “Field Report” on this forum and going out and copying what they do is a numbers game.
It’s NOT a numbers game when you have value to add to the world and to women. It’s NOT a numbers game when you find out what kind of women you’re into, and what kind of women are into you.
It’s NOT a numbers game when you stop treating social interactions with other people as if it’s a zero sum game.
If you’re always looking to gain or add another notch to your belt with women, you will never win.
Create an environment you thrive in
Get involved with group environments where you have common interests. List all the activities you like to do, then search for groups on meetup.com.
If you can’t find a group for something you like, then start one. I made a video production group in the past and had 50 people sign up without any promotion.
If you like going hiking, find a hiking group. If you like playing video games, go to the next ComiCon. Whatever it is, find a group that you can connect with.
Stop doing things you don’t want to do
If you hate going to the bars or networking events and go because you feel like you have to meet women there — stop. Create the life that you want.
I am still terrible at meeting people in loud environments with excessive alcohol. For a while I tried to improve. Then I realized that I’d rather put my head through a window than try to talk to one more drunk girl about her psychology major.
Now I do activities I like. It’s a lot easier for me to meet people when I know they are there for similar reasons.
You know you’re good at one-on-one connection. You know you aren’t the best at the first wave of conversation. All it takes is for you to get in your zone. The zone where it’s one-on-one, you’re sitting with her at the coffee shop and she realizes that you can listen and connect in such a unique way she hardly ever experiences.
You don’t have to change who you are. You don’t need to become more outgoing or extroverted. You just need to set yourself up for success.
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