Tabitha Studer knows how important it is for parents to raise boys conscientiously, and so she compiled a list of 25 ideas for mothers of sons.
Originally appeared at Tabitha Studer’s blog, Team Studer. Reprinted with permission by the author.
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Inspired by a Pin I’ve recently seen about “rules for dads with daughters,” I went searching for a similar list for moms with sons. This search was mostly fruitless, so I was inspired to write my own ideas for Moms with Sons. Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial. Agree, or disagree—or take with a grain of salt—but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives. You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life. From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?” It’s a big job we’re up for it.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
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2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he’s embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday, someone will thank you. Maybe even him.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.” Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet—they have some form of the three. It doesn’t have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything—remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering…you are a superhero. Do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners because it’s nice. And it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys often tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It’s like magic.
15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn’t always a winner. Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t. He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..) Instead make sure he understands that—sometimes you win—sometimes you lose. But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?”
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you—he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
…without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’ If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with—or he will use your stuff. And then you’ll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’ Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild. Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old. You’re the mom—you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets —and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad’s too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
If you enjoyed this you might enjoy Tabitha Studer’s newest post:
Five Reasons my Children are Lucky to Have an Outdoorsman for a Father
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For more from Tabitha Studer, visit her blog, Team Studer.
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GREAT article!
But you’ve left out the most important part…always put God first. The end game should be heaven and missing out on that would be the ultimate failure in life.
This is so wonderful! It’s changed my outlook on the prospect of having a son. Thank you! I wish I had read this as a big sister to a 6 year younger brother years ago. It’s astounding how much influence I had. I wish I had known better what to do with it
Well done.
This is a beautiful read! I connected to every one of the 25 rules. They all made sense and touched my heart. Thank you!
Love this! In our house though, we say that practice makes better.
As a mother of three sons I have to say this was brilliantly written. My boys are all grown up and left home now. One has a family of his own, one has a family on the way (twins – due November) and one has just come home to Mum for help with his health, because Mum will always be MUM.
I wrote my own view of mothering sons here http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/2012/10/raising-gorgeous-boys.html. I wrote this a while ago.
First of all, the future instructor must be well versed in all
of the essential Zumba dance movements.
Wow! I just love your article and the rules you’ve set! Especially number 12. I have two boys and sometimes i let their wild and destroying behavior ruin my mood, get upset or angry with them. Thank you for your words and the love that shows from them.
Esmée ( The Netherlands)
Thanks for sharing. All these points are interesting and true, but in fact these are just as important for fathers and daughters as for mums and sons. Please give our daughters the same attention and let them build forts as well!
I really appreciated what you wrote here, and find nothing at all to squawk about like some of the other commenters. I have three young sons. I have been practicing many of these concepts and they’re turning out to be AWESOME boys. I adore them, I adore being a mother to a team of boys, and I adore people who help me to be a better mother. THANK YOU!
One thing i would add (and as a mom of grownups i know a little) – Embrace his friends: they are as important to him as his family and especially be kind (not competitive) with the special girl in his life.
Before I read this, I was ready to bet my life that you would mention a woman’s need to be appreciated for being something other than sexually beautiful. but nothing about a male’s need to be appreciated as sexually beautiful. In other words, teach your son to appreciate women as whole people, but no need to teach your son to feel sexually beautiful about hhimself -just teach him to properly appreciate female beauty. Most of this is about teaching your son to be a better partner to his future wife. You wrote this to benefit her – not your son.
Wow. MAYBE I can see #3,7, and 8 serving the purpose of being good to a “future wife”, but on the whole, this list is how to teach your son to be a good HUMAN. And how to be confident. And that even though he is a male, it is okay to dance and express feelings and be comfortable with helping and nurturing others (like maybe his future CHILDREN). Since when does letting a boy run loose to expel energy, or being okay with him ruining his clothes, or teaching him how to throw a football or encouraging him to… Read more »
I think you see exactly what you expected BECAUSE you expected it; you were so set on it… The whole way through this article, I was wondering why it was about moms and sons instead of parents and children in general. I only see one point 2 points about appreciating the beauty of women, and they came right after equivalent points about men. Perhaps powerful wasn’t the right adjective to use, but that’s not really the important part of that point, is it?
Also don’t forget, don’t cut your son’s penis, let him grow up with the human right to a whole body and normal and natural future sexual life. As an RN and a mother, I am always educating people about the human rights of little boys to keep the genitals they were born with. Every person on this planet has the right to keep the normal and natural genitals they were born with, in the normal and natural state they are in. That follows that no parent, for religious, community or cultural reasons, has the right to circumcise their son. They… Read more »
From a perspective of Intersexed babies, I would agree with your comment about “keeping the genitals they are born with”. However, male circumcision is NOT a bad thing; whether from a cultural or religious perspective, that’s a part of their heritage. As an RN, you should know that circumcision has medical benefits; uncircumcised men are 4x more likely to catch HIV as well as increased chances of other STD’s. The “foreskin” removed can be used for burn victims; it is resilient and stretchy enough to cover many times its surface area effectively. There is not a single thing medically speaking… Read more »
This should read “no lasting physical or psychological PROBLEMS of circumcising a male child”–it’s getting late.
This is a good list. I recently had a son and he and my daughter are 12 years apart. I never knew I could love a little person so much but my heart has quadrupled in size to accomodate the love I have for that little guy. My husband kisses him every night before he goes to bed and every morning before we leave for work and baby school. He’s barely two but this list has me thinking about what happens when he is grown and out in the world and I pray that I do a GREAT job so… Read more »
Those of you complaining at 6 &7, if you stopped judging by the headlines and paid more attention to the content you’d see you have nothing to complain about. The point is that they will be surrounded by the stereotypes of strong men and beautiful women. The sentiment is that being a man isn’t about physicality, and neither is being a beautiful woman.
Your lesson for life is to stop leaping to outrage and blame. To read between the lines and applaud those who try to do good, rather than live life as an oversensitive critic.
Honestly, my problems with this article are the fact that–in the opening paragraph–she reasserts the title’s prominence in saying “but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives”. This sets up the entire piece by saying a few things: 1. you’re a momma and therefore a woman so boys are a mystery 2. These are things you specifically need to teach boys (which implies you DON’T need to teach girls these lessons). I understand you are trying to say “learn the positive and stop… Read more »
I would add, teach him how to cook!
And also clean!
Great article!
You lost me at 6 and 7.
Even if you did everything else but unwittingly teach your sons that men can aspire to be powerful and women to be beautiful, you’re still setting us back 50 years.
Thanks. :/
I have to say this post was ridiculously gender stereotyped. ALL of these rules should apply to any child.
I don’t think so at all. As a mother of ONLY boys, this article caught my eye…. However, never once did I think through the article that if I had a girl would I not teach her these things. Maybe in a slightly different way, but maybe not. It depends on what her personality is. Maybe I won’t have to teach her to dance, because she will be the type that just does it. Maybe I won’t have to teach her to be gentle, because like myself, she will be a gentle person from the day she arrives on this… Read more »
Speaking as an man, I totally agree with the tone and intent of this list, and most of the content. I would add, as at least one commenter already did, that learning how to let go is extremely important. Don’t expect your son to kiss you forever. Also, it’s not always okay to embarrass your son in front of his peers, or in front of anybody. Sometimes it can be really hurtful. Yes, your son needs a cheerleader. He needs emotional support. But he needs so much more than that. He needs someone who will be the biggest enabler of… Read more »
I DO expect my sons to kiss me till the day I die. What Mom wouldn’t?
Thank you! I agree. I am a new mom and one of my most important beliefs is that we have to let our children (whatever gender) be free. I have seen the ill effects of wanting a son or daughter to stay tied to a parent at any age.
At some point, I believe it’s best to let go – with love. Parents will always be there but, for example, if a man chooses to marry, ideally he’ll be open and honest enough w/his spouse so that he doesn’t need to run to his mother.
Its an interesting social commentary all by itself when you see just these two things…
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
Boys = blue and powerful
Girls = pink and beautiful
I thought the phrase was “girl power” not “girl beauty”
How about: “Know that others are treated differently in society based on whether they are male or female, or what race and religion they belong to. All people are equal. Model that behaviour in your dealings with people everyday, and make sure your son understands the consequences of discrimination.”
Scrap #6 and 7 and make ALL people equal. That’s the way it should be.
In which way are all people equal Smargoulis? I find men different to women & individuals different to each other. Not everyone is equally worthy of respect & the reasons they might be, vary from person to person.
But there is a baseline level of respect in accord with human decency. This baseline level of respect is unchanged by gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation, religion, intelligence, accomplishments, etc. Ed Snowden and Ed Gein may have wildly different levels of worth to you, but they both deserve equality in certain basic things, like a fair trial.
I think the reason ‘beautiful’ was chosen rather than powerful was because of the context. The paragraph said your son will be bombarded with images of ‘beautiful women’ but asks that you teach your son not to judge women for their looks but rather that ‘beautiful’ can also mean smart, has integrity, etc.. I think the author was pointing out that media sources seek to stamp the word ‘beautiful’ as a key indicator of a woman’s value and the article asks parents to change the definition; ideally showing power rather than beauty. The same goes for the men. The media… Read more »
I agree with Michela. I’m surprised at the overwhelmingly negative connotation that people are reading into the word beautiful. I’m guy & I constantly see images of beautiful women in the media – and I like them too, for what they are. Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate (& consider beautiful) the following people: a Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi or Margaret Thatcher, a Marion Bartolli as much as a Maria Sharpova or Nadia Comeneci or any of the women listed in the article. We misintrepreted the word “Beautiful” long enough, why can’t we start re-interpreting properly instead of disparaging it. Change… Read more »
I saw this as well and totally agree. Each time a woman figurehead was mentioned, it had the word “beauty” attached.
Good list,thank you..and thee most important that was missing…Never ,ever spank !!!.
Please do the research how detrimental that is to him,you and the rest of the world.Never circumcise him,he can choose after he researches the information if he likes…I would also add, teach him critical thinking,and ask him how you can be a better parent..,also negotiation skills.
Nice list, but go easy on the kissing. I often see boys struggling to get away form their mother’s affection, and they have the right to their personal space and to determine their own boundaries.
I think there are some great gems here. And I don’t think she is hovering or smothering or whatever. She loves her kids and tried to enumerate some good ideas to let boys know they are loved and also how to love back. Basically, she is involved in her kids life, which is great. I cannot understand all the harping about the list “rubbing people the wrong way”. I honestly can’t find one thing on this list that seems like a bad idea. No where does it say on the list “If you don’t accomplish all these things you have… Read more »