Two recent New York Times articles, “Alone Again, Naturally” by Dominique Browning and “One’s a Crowd” by Eric Klinenberg, extol the virtues and perks of living alone. While Browning theorized that women have an easier time living alone than men, Klinenberg noted that in the developed world, both more men and women are choosing to live alone, and are loving it.
“Perhaps you could get yourself a teddy bear for those trying nights without wifey/mommy? Man up, pal.”
–poor but debt free, Columbia, PA
“Amen. After 37 years of marriage, cuddling is the glue that holds it all together.”
–Stu, Connecticut
“This is my main reason for contending that men are less able to live alone. Generally I have found that men don’t like solitude. They don’t like eating alone, sleeping alone, coming home to an empty house. They need affection — “cuddling”. Again, not all men, but this has been my observation for many years. I’ve concluded that it has to do with men being forced to be “manly”… Public displays of affection are more tolerated in society among women than among men, so men crave that human touch in private as much as possible. Dating sites are loaded with men who list among their desires “cuddling on the sofa with a movie…” or similar.
I’m single and I love my solitude. Beyond my need for intimacy, I really don’t care for the cuddling. I like my space.”
–Ginger, Philadelphia
I found myself considering what Ginger said. It was a lot more thoughtful than Browning’s “men are a lot of work” theory.
I’d be interested in what other men have to say. I know plenty of guys who do like solitude. Who like to spend time by themselves. Heck, I spend as much time in my study by myself just because I like the quiet and space. But this idea that it is the societal expectation that we “man-up” which leaves us starved of human contact makes a certain amount of sense to me. The idea that us guys all really just want to cuddle cuts against the stereotype that what we really want is sex with no strings attached except perhaps a pop tart in the morning if things end up going all night.
I don’t really know if other guys like to cuddle as much as I do. I admit in my piece that perhaps I am “a particularly needy and sometimes neurotic man of a certain ilk.” But maybe the need to show so little emotion in public means that guys tend to want more rather than less non-sexual affection in private.
I do think this idea that men are less capable of living alone than women is foolish. If we are talking about heterosexuals, the math would indicate that men and women are living together in equal numbers. And the inverse is also true, heterosexual men and women are living alone in equal numbers.
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ive been living single for 6 years now…but before i was married for 14 years i was alone for at least that amount of time. if a person is mentally tough gender aside, anyone can accomplish living alone and be healthy in most respects…im not impressed with the gender bashing as it just means that individual has their issues to deal with and refuses to do so.
Now I’ve been married 45+ years and live alone. Its a strange set up but I live in the house and my husband lives in his apartment garage. The only thing we share is the property the two structures sit on. We only had sex or any kind of intimacy once on our wedding night, The day after I was told to leave him alone and don’t ever bother him. We would fight for weeks and I told him that I wanted a marriage with a family , kids, 3 bed room house! He said right it will never happen,… Read more »
Ah yes, we humans love to categorize, don’t we? It gives some semblance of order to a world that we can’t completely comprehend. So it is with pretty much everything I’ve read about this. I do not know why *all* single men are living alone. I can only speak for myself. Quite simply, I love my freedom, my independence, and the constant challenge of having to figure everything out for myself. It makes life interesting. Does it come with a price? Sure. Sometimes I think I’d be happy with a companion or kids. But, married life has its prices too.… Read more »
Of course men can live alone. Anyone CAN live alone. The question is, do they WANT to. I happen to agree with AnthonyZarat there are fewer reasons for men and women to co-habitate with our current rules of marriage and interaction in developed nations as women acquire more opportunities for autonomy and as the judicial system appears to punish men who divorce women. Okay, that said, does this mean Men and Women are unable to live alone if they were to find themselves suddenly without the opposite sex? Nonsense. Humans have consciously made the choice to live without the opposite… Read more »
“Dating sites are loaded with men who list among their desires “cuddling on the sofa with a movie…” or similar.” – Ginger, Philadelphia Yeah, I’ve been noticing this a bit. There are quite a few women that forever reason are trying desperately to flip the script by stereotyping men the way that women have been stereotyped, I guess it’s some way to reassure themselves. Ginger takes men putting in personals profiles that they want to cuddle and watch a movie as proof that men are more physically needy. I guess if she also comes across men saying they love to… Read more »
As a recently divorced man who is living alone for the first time in his life at the age of 39, I can say that at some point in your life, it is actually impossible to live alone. In fact, I live with multiple ghosts. There are the ghosts of my three children who come visit me weekly. My first ‘bachelor pad” is actually a nice three bedroom apartment in the suburbs. Close to the library and the parks, not the bars and city nightlife. During the week when they’re not there, I can feel their presence. Through the relics… Read more »
Luis thank you for this profound, moving and sad comment. I have been right where you are and in the end it was a constructive and positive period for me which lasted 6 years. But there was plenty of pain along the way. I wish you well. And, yes, send you a hug.
some generalizations: a woman’s relationship with other women is qualitatively different than a man’s relationship with other men … when it comes to the level of intimacy, touching, and ‘nearness’ … on the whole. for a man to act with other man like a woman would act with other women would be considered gay. (period). … and that would be considered bad. consider the facts of fidelity and monogamy in our society. one girl at a time, right? thus, a man is left with one option for intimacy: one woman. a woman’s options for intimacy: one man, or all other… Read more »
I think in the future most men will live alone, for these reasons: 1) Marriage offers fewer and fewer advantages to men. 2) Divorce is increasingly devastating to men (automatic loss of property, income, dignity and — most importantly — their children). 3) Divorce is more and more frequent, as more and more wives jump at the favourable economic and legal opportunities that divorce offers to them. 4) Technological alternatives to marriage continue to improve, and increasingly offer the same benefits as marriage (friendship, companionship, and intimacy) without the horrifying risks. Many young men already live, predominantly, in virtual worlds.… Read more »
I think that sometimes people make the mistake of building vast generalizations on not much more than the evidence of their personal experience. Personal experience is valuable, but when you’re making claims such as “men cannot stand solitude,” a whole lot more research is needed than just what you observe in your everyday life. I happen to know many men who don’t do well without partners, but I wouldn’t make the error of applying that observation to all men or even to “men” without a qualifying term of some kind. It’s that kind of sweeping unsupported generalization that causes trouble,… Read more »
I have heard that men tend to not form as many close friendships as women do. If that is the case, it would make sense that they would have difficulty living alone, because they wouldn’t have a good emotional outlet when they are all alone. In that scenario, even women who are alone will be able to connect to people emotionally through close friendships. Obviously these are broad generalizations. There are variations within each group. But does anyone know if this is true in their experience? That men do not tend to have as many close friendships? By that I… Read more »
I agree this woman is confused and rather sexist. First of all there’s typology: introverts and extraverts-each of whom have distinctly different needs. The idea that men as a group (‘all men’) can’t live well being alone is again, not credible. ‘Rid’ of men? Sorry, can’t go for this. As an older women living alone I don’t think it’s the end all and be all. I miss the affection, caring and sex one has as part of a couple, for one, and also the conversations with a man. But to go deeper, it takes work, important work to live together… Read more »
She goes on to talk about how all the women she knows who live alone are thrilled to be rid of us men, but men can not stand solitude (yeah, she doesn’t use any qualifiers, she’s talking about ALL men).
this woman is confused.
there more alot male than female loners.