Watching this CNN story on Spirit Airlines hiking overhead baggage fees to $100, I thought, Then somebody better be hiking her skirt for me!
That got me to thinking about women, which got me to thinking about being single at 42, which got me to thinking about why I’m single at 42, which got me to thinking about women and all their emotional baggage from prior relationships. (Note: if you are looking for an essay on self-blame, you are at the wrong kiosk.)
Henceforth, before I pay the bill on first dates – because I pay the bill on first dates – I will assess charges for relationship baggage:
Still have a tan line from your engagement and/or wedding ring? That’ll be $4.50 for your share of the spinach dip. I mean, c’mon, the ratio of tanning salons to people in L.A. is, like, 1:4. Or, in a pinch, just grab “light brown” from your kid’s Crayola Marker set and do some filling in.
Longingly mention eating at this restaurant with your ex? You owe me $13.50 for that salad. (Note: You’re lucky I’m not charging you extra for failing to laugh at my “I dunno why they call them ‘mixed greens’ when they clearly have red leaves in there!” joke.)
Still talking about your ex in a non “Listen to this idiotic thing he did…” or “You’re not gonna believe how small his penis was…” way? That’ll be $44 for the Surf-n-Turf. (Note: Listen, I’m anti-waif. I definitely want a woman who actually eats. That said, you might wanna leave the feedbag at home on your next first date. Or scarf a couple of Snickers beforehand.)
Talking about breakup specifics? That’ll be $12.00 for the creme brûlée. Not that I don’t wanna know how/why things haven’t worked out for you previously. I do. Just not before I find out if you’re a good kisser or not.
So, thank you for dating with us this evening! That’ll be $84. We do not accept credit cards. We also do not accept payment in goodnight hugs.
Important note: I will not charge a woman for having never been married or engaged, which some women see as baggage in single guys, a “red flag” that shows I can’t commit. Sooooper logic, Ms. Spock. So, having been committed and then failing is a better sign? “Yeah, hey, by all means, let’s totally get together and do something you have already proven you are not good at!” Ahem. Sorry. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Bitter…party of one?
Photo by: bsperan