Open Discussion:
In what ways is male sexuality misunderstood, either by women, society in general, or by men themselves?
What do you wish women, other guys or the media knew about what is really true about men and sex?
For some starting points, check out Harris O’Malley’s terrific new article, “It’s Okay To Want Sex”.
Image of vegetables courtesy of Shutterstock
These “Open Threads” are more difficult to respond to than it seems. It is easier to take issue with a particular assumption that is posited than it is to develop a general but easily stated theory of what is wrong with our societies grasp of male sexuality. Sexuality is such a ephemeral concept because sexuality is a network of aesthetic associations and embodied practices that often defy efforts from ordinary language to put into words. We often feel all kinds of things about sex such as disgust, beauty, naughtiness, ambivalence, yearning, mystery, violation, and many other things but I think… Read more »
Interesting topic. I’m a trans male, transitioned 6 years ago. I’ve thought alot about this, as I want to do what’s right yet I realize falling into the stereotypical male trap is a no no. Sex has never been better, never have I been happier with life in general, yet talking about the emotions synonymous with these thoughts is not something well understood.
David Eagle – great questions, thanks for asking.
Ill be 29 next month and I can say I still don’t really understand what is acceptable from a societal standpoint. The article, “it’s okay to want sex” nailed it for me, and made me wonder how much of my behavior in the past was driven by the expectation. Sure, I love sex and want to have it as often as I can, but the insatiability…the concept of being made into an animal by it…seems incredibly arbitrary. My question for the older men is: How do I know if I’m okay? What is acceptable for me to want? I feel… Read more »
Hi alex Eagle, When it comes to sex within a relationship (or outside of it for that matter) there aren’t really any clear answers, aside from the things that are explicitly illegal. It’s really about figuring out what makes the most sense an is most enjoyable for you & your prtner. If you substituted “money” for “sex” in your questions, they’d probably be jut a difficult to answer: how much is enough? Which of you will earn what % of that enough? What are you willing to do to get that much? Even if it creates stress/problems for your partner?… Read more »
My advice is that your wants/needs are neither right or wrong. If you seem to have a high sex drive compared to most of the women you’ve dated, my advice would be to keep looking. I’ve been in some relationships where I felt I was living with sexual repression because the various women had a much lower libido. This isn’t fair to yourself or them. At some point, you will become dissatisfied with the relationship, and will either break up or start exhibiting signs of resentment. Stay on target and honest with your own desires. You also have to listen… Read more »
The most common image of adolescent & adult male sexuality in the US describes boys/men as always wanting sex, having a strong if not absolute preference for hookup sex over relationship sex, and preferring “hot” women (unless it’s 2am and we’re all drunk). The reality is quite different: most guys rarely hook up: no more than 15% of guys have 3 or more partners in a calendar year (& the number drops to about 5% if you make it 3 partners per year for 3 consecutive years). Most guys – even the ones that hook up regularly – say they… Read more »
More details & explanation in “Challenging Casanova: Beyond the Stereotype of Promiscuous Young Male Sexuality” (Jossey-Bass publishers, available December 2012).
The idea that a (heterosexual) libido is a defining part of being a man needs to go. This seems to be the basis of a lot of misunderstanding (thinking men always want to have sex with with women), dismissal (denying the experiences of men raped/sexually abused by women), and hatred towards men (homophobia against gay men). At the very least three myths can be traced back to this. 1. The idea that a man cannot be raped by a woman. 2. The idea that if a man’s sexual orientation is not exclusively into traditionally defined women (as in female bodies,… Read more »
I guess…that it’s possible to be a strong, competent, worthwhile man without being a borderline rapist sociopathic thug that uses money to buy women.
No matter the situation, sex ain’t free. Using money to buy women (i.e. sex) isn’t thuggish. It’s perfectly natural. Money = success = resources = good mate. No money means the opposite. Guess which men women prefer?
Quit being such a misandrist. Jeez…
I’m curious Adenosine, Do you believe in abortion? Do you believe drugs should be decriminalized? If you believe in the rights of people to have bodily integrity and to do with them what they want, why shouldn’t this apply to prostitution. It’s not the act itself that makes it dangerous for women, it’s the illegality of it. Much like prohibition brought crime, turf war, gun fights, and murder into what was previously a normal behavior (drinking alcohol) the prohibition against peoples choices of their own bodies makes prostitution much more dangerous for women (and the johns). It would be better… Read more »
I don’t know if this is just because I’m older and am probably having a lower sex drive, or if it’s a true observation. I believe that if men weren’t perpetually bombarded with sexual imagery to be oversexualized, it would actually be female affection and admiration that a great deal of men want, not just sex. Unfortunately, the modern western cultures are so saturated with sexual imagery we will never be able to separate what is natural and what is learned. Just to be clear, I don’t think porn has as much to bear on this as what is going… Read more »
Well observed, John.
Thanks