Suddenly, my father’s parenting tactics don’t seem so rough. I thought I had it bad in elementary school when he made me run around the perimeter of our square acre of land to prepare for the Presidential Fitness test, while a four-year-old kid from China is running through the New York snow in his skivvies.
Does the outcry over this seem similar at all to parenting differences regarding spanking? Is encouraging discipline through pain different if it’s from a parent’s own hand, or from the elements? This parenting technique is certainly extreme, and my opinion is that it is beyond the pale, but let me play the devil’s advocate for a minute. Sure, spanking is punitive, not preventative, but that makes a good argument for this strict form of parenting. As a father, wouldn’t I want to make my child tough, both morally and physically, to prevent bad behavior, instead of being lax and then finding it necessary to punish mistakes—mistakes that in a worst case scenario, could be life threatening?
Over at the site Circle of Moms, there is a great discussion on spanking that touches on my exact feeling when watching this video. They bring up interesting ideas, talking about how violence breeds violence, but also how the best type of parenting might be flexible, responding to how your child responds to you, a type of feedback loop. Sitting at our computers, watching this video, we see the briefest glimpse of the life of this child. We see none of the issues that this child has dealt with from being born with water on his brain, or the struggle his father has had trying to help him overcome any developmental issues resulting from that. There’s no anger or glee overheard. It’s hard to believe the boy’s father is doing anything but what he believes is best for the child.
And no, just because he believes he is doing good, that does not necessarily mean the father is actually doing what’s best. It does mean, that before passing judgment, us other men (and women) should try to separate what is physically or mentally harmful to a child, from what our culture deems appropriate.
What I think is most disturbing is the fact that the parents videotaped it AND posted it.
Imagine it was you that made a mistake and this is how your boss or someone who was physically, socially and in every respect more powerful than you taught you a lesson. Would you feel that running naked in the snow or being physically assaulted or stuck in a “time out” was an appropriate consequence? Would punishment help you correct your mistake? Or would you prefer that someone help you see your mistake and show you how to correct it respectfully? Treat your children and the ones you love accordingly. Children only learn what is taught to them. If you… Read more »
I feel that is a little reductive. Parenting appears to be frighteningly complex, and very enlightened, respectful parents still have problem children. Treating the immature things we call our kids as mature, adults, just isn’t being honest about what they are, still-developing creatures that need help processing a world that is frighteningly new. Yes, fear is quite prevalent.
You’re right it us a little reductive but not so much as the system of punishment and reward that most parents use. I’m not advocating treating children as little adults & didn’t mean to imply that in any way. There are no such thing as “problem children” only uninformed or misguided adults. As parents, the responsibility for our children’s guidance falls squarely on our shoulders. If you are having problems with your children read a book, take a parenting class, subscribe to a positive parenting blog, talk to your children’s teachers or seek the advice of a family counselor. Abuse… Read more »
“There are no such thing as “problem children” only uninformed or misguided adults.” – while I agree with your comment that abuse is never an option. And while I agree with your sentiment that if you are having problems with your kids you should seek out advice and knowledge about parenting….I still disagree with this quote. So I’m not a parent, but at one point I was a kid, and I have known quite a few parents and children in my short life. 🙂 My sister and I were both parented in the same way (not like exactly the same.… Read more »
I see what you’re saying and some children have a more difficult time adjusting to the world than others, particularly where there is another sibling involved and a competition for attention. However, like you said, your parents took responsibility and adjusted their parenting to fit each of you, which is exactly what parents should do. Sadly that is all too often not the case. Many parents label one their children “problems” early on and throw up their arms in frustration making the problems worse. Or their use their “problem” child as an excuse for abuse saying things like “I’ve tried… Read more »
Hard to imagine what would justify this as a fitting preparation or punishment for anything. I can imagine if I had locked my little sister out in the snow on purpose, my parents might have done this to me to give me a taste of my own medicine. That may not have been the best way to teach me not to do it, but it would have been effective. Stick him in football pads in Texas in the summer, and it’s basically the same “man-up” technique we have in this country. This just makes the news because the Chinese are… Read more »
What’s sad is how few people will associate this with American “man-up” methods and realize how barbaric those are too.
Goodness I just realized how ethnocentric that sounded. I didn’t mean to diminish how horrific this must have been for the kid in the video. I just meant, what’s sad is that people in the US will talk about how horrible this is, without even realizing that their own culture has similar practices.
@Heather: I am curious, what practises are you referring to when you say similar.
P.S. I know you don’t mean exact.
Mostly I was referring to wellokathyn’s reference to American football. Yes, some kids actually enjoy it, but I knew kids who were pretty much forced to play it. Plus I think a lot of the enforced emotional repression that the west instils in it’s male children is just as damaging (or maybe nearly as damaging). Not in exactly the same way, of course. My best friend in high school was a guy who never played football, was in drama, was quiet, shy, a computer nerd…and oh yeah, straight. Totally and completely heterosexual. His parents were both very nice and accepting… Read more »
@Heather, regarding the ethnocentricism, cross-cultural discussions are among the hardest ones to have, right up there with race relations (obviously) and gender issues (maybe not as obvious). You want to be open in your discussion, but you really have to always bring any discussion back to your culture, and your own experiences, because that’s your frame of reference. I think the issue of emotional repression touches on the earlier comment of threatening to re-enact the video. In my experience, playing with emotions, repressing them, and manipulating them causes so many more scars than any physical actions. Which has caused more… Read more »
Regarding ethnocentrism…well what you’re saying I kind of agree with. I think that’s true to a point, and for the purposes of this video bringing it back around to view it through my own culture is valid, so long as I am aware that is what I am doing. (That doesn’t work for everything, mind you, but it works here.) And so long as I don’t then try to take my own cultural viewpoint and shove it onto someone else’s. I just made that comment about sounding ethnocentric because I didn’t want it to sound like I wasn’t feeling for… Read more »
Here’s a trickier question: what if you don’t force your kid to run in the snow, but you show your kid this video and tell him you think it sounds like a good idea. Is the implied threat of running in the snow acceptable if the kid never actually has to run in the snow?
While the idea makes me chuckle, and I think it could be surprisingly reasonable, it brings up the question, what’s worse: dreading pain over a prolonged period, or the actual pain itself?
While using these sorts of manipulative tactics might seem useful in the short term, what it actually teaches children is to use manipulation to get what they want. It also teaches them that you are a liar and not willing to follow through on threats if they should happen to call your bluff and you don’t follow through. Consistently setting age appropriate limits and enforcing them with appropriate consequences works. When you set a consequence, it is important to be sure it is one you are willing to follow through with. yes it takes a lot of work to make… Read more »
I think the violence breeds violence argument is the most valid…Witnessing the aftermath of a violent outburst from a friend’s husband’s reaction to his 6th grader’s report card is so awful: the whole family, except for the husband, was in tears at my house….I don’t see how physical violence is supposed to make you do better on your next Spanish test…perhaps extra tutoring and borrowing Spanish language DVD’s from the library is a better solution than berating your kid and trying to grab him by the neck….last night was so horrible for both of our families….the only rationale I can… Read more »