In Aikido, the bokuto (wooden sword) strikes to the top of my head or the bigger, stronger man punches to my face, I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I get under the attack, in the danger. I enter what I fear.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “Get in the distance.” I get in the distance under the attack. I wait it out. I take a glancing blow if I have to. The late Mizukami Sensei said, “You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” I take the glancing blow for what’s meaningful to me.
In the distance of the attacker’s strike, I hold my position. I make my timing. I open up. I match the attack in my attack. If I defend, I can be defeated. I match the attacker’s bokuto strike with my bokuto strike over theirs first. I apply nikkyo (wrist lock) to myself and match the attacker’s punch with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker. I’m in the distance of the attack, under the attack. I’m in the danger. I let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker takes the hit or stands down. We both choose.
In the distance, the attacker commits in their attack. They have no recourse. I hold my position. Everything quiet inside me. I make my timing. I choose who I am and what I do in the moment. I open up. I let go my fear inside me. I free me.
I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid that women won’t like me, because of how I look. I’m 5′ 3″. I’m not handsome. I’m afraid that I may die alone. Afraid that I won’t fall madly and deeply in love with a woman who loves me back the same way. I’m 62 years old. Time is undefeated. We’re all afraid of something or maybe someone. That’s just life. I can run from what I fear or I can freeze and do nothing. Neither releases my fear inside.
In Aikido and in life, I enter what I fear and die with honor. Hopefully, not always literally. I get in the distance of what I fear. Face it. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear inside as the 8 year-old boy scared as hell of Dad. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry at me. I was Dad’s greatest disappointment in life. I profoundly got that. That made me so very sad.
Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, get in the distance, I let go more of my fear inside. I free myself of myself.
In the distance, I hold my position. I make my timing. I wait it out. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. I said, “I love you.” to someone meaningful to me. Although, I was not meaningful to her. My fear inside that I was not good enough was truth. I let it go. I needed help to complete a project that I didn’t understand. I said “I need help.” I let go looking good. I got help.
We’re all afraid of something or maybe someone. Fear is part of our physiology, our human design. I get in the distance of what I fear. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over, and over again. I lighten up. Just train.
Aikido Founder O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. No one else. There is no fight. Nothing to defend. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. That’s all that we can do.
In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble is the path to end suffering. On my path to end suffering, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not.
I have a meaningful life. I love my life. May you find your path to end suffering and have a meaningful life that you love, too. Amen.
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Photo: iStock
