In Aikido we trained with the bokuto (wooden sword). I received the bokuto attack.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “You’re moving to the side.” I didn’t stay under the attack and wait it out, before I struck back with my bokuto. I didn’t hold my position in the center of the attack. I got afraid and moved to the side. I didn’t want to get hurt.
Sensei said, “If you move to the side, you can be countered.” Truth.
Sensei showed how to strike the attacker when I’m under the attack, in the danger. I strike my bokuto and make the attacker move back on my part. I extend my kensaki (sword tip) and make contact with the attacker’s body. I keep extending my kensaki forward with my feeling out (from my center with ki). The attacker moves back to avoid getting struck straight through their center.
Sensei instructed that I don’t strike to tap the attacker, then push them back. I don’t aggress. I don’t attack in anger. There is no fight. That’s the training.
Following Sensei’s instructions, I stay under the attack, in the center of the attack. I extend my kensaki forward with my feeling out. I make the attacker move back. I move slightly back to create space between us. I come over top of the attacker’s bokuto, with mine straight through their center. As I extend my kensaki forward that opens my hips in profile to let the attacker’s bokuto pass me. I might take a glancing blow. It’s one time. I practice that over and over and over again. Practice makes the unnatural natural.
Sensei said, “You have nothing to be afraid of.” Truth. In the attack, I hold my position in the center of the attack. I make my timing and strike with my bokuto. My body is on one side or the other side of the kensaki. I let the attack pass me. I take my center back. I don’t aggress the attack. I have nothing to be afraid of. Therefore, I have nothing to be angry about. There is no fight.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” Under the attack, in the danger, I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I work on myself, not on the attacker. That’s all I can do. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me.
I have nothing to be afraid of. Aside from maybe, myself. Then again, I work on myself, not on others. There is no external opponent. No enemy outside me. I’m my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. That goes for the Dojo and life.
Although I feared inside me that I was not good enough for someone, I had nothing to be afraid of outside me. I got out of my own way. I said, “I love you.” No, she didn’t love me. My fear was truth. I was not good enough. I let it go. She used me until she could find someone she could love, and be happy. What we all want.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I love myself for who I am, forgive myself to for I’m not, and I have nothing to be afraid of.
I overcome myself. There’s no external force, no external opponent. I’m my GOAT opponent. True victory is victory over myself. Although I’ll never achieve that victory over me, I continually overcome me. I get out of my own way. Just train. That’s just life.
I fear many things. I fear that I’m not good enough for women. I fear that I’m not good enough against the bigger stronger man, who wants to beat the hell out of me. Still, I work on myself, not on others. Not on them. I enter what I fear, enter the danger. That’s the safest place to be. I hold my position. Make my timing. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I take my center back. I take myself back.
Maybe my fear inside never completely disappears. Still, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I free myself. I find my measure of peace within. Everything quiet inside me. I have nothing to be afraid of.
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Photo by Josh Couch on Unsplash
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