In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei said, “You have to open up.” When I open up, I can learn, learn about myself. Self-knowledge might be the most useful knowledge. At least in my experience.
Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” Everything quiet inside me. When the 250-pound man punches to my face, I’m afraid. Still, I wait it out. I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and die with honor.
Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” I stand straight and tall in profile. Well, I stand as tall as I can. I don’t give the attacker an open target. I change the kensen (line of attack) and draw the attacker to my center. I invite the attack. Don’t oppose it. If I defend, I can be defeated. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the attack with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of head) to the attacker. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I’m always my GOAT (Greatest of All Time) opponent. It’s only me against me.
In the center of the attack, in the danger, I choose to let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker chooses to take the fall or stand down. We both choose. I could win or lose. The attacker could win or lose. That’s bushido, the Way of the Samurai.
I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear that I would never good enough for Dad when I was 8 years old. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. Under the attack, in the danger, I let go my fear inside that I suck, that I don’t deserve love. I reinvent myself from nothing, from mushin, the empty mind. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over, and over again. I reinvent me. Just train.
Someone used me until she could find a man she loved and have a meaningful relationship. What we all want in life. What we all deserve. Although she was kind, she had no respect for me. I was not meaningful. Still, she was asking for my help. I did my best to help her. I got over myself. This wasn’t about me at all. Her happiness was in the balance, was at risk. I tried to be samurai, tried to be of service.
My fear was truth. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. People always do what they want. That’s the human design. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to so with what goes on inside me. There is always someone who is better than I am. That’s just life. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. That’s all that we can do.
On the path to end suffering, I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. Everything quiet inside me. I’m free to be me. I reinvent me. Just train.
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Photo by Dylan Hunter on Unsplash
