In Aikido practice, we trained with the jo (wooden staff). The attacker strikes their jo to my center, the center of my body. Ishibashi Sensei said to stay in the center of the attack and hold my position. The attacker tries to take the center, my center. I have to take the center back and strike their center. We both try to take the center. Our jo’s moves back and forth, in ebb and flow.
When the attacker strikes, I wait it out. I enter the attack, get under the attack. I hold my position. I make my timing. Sensei said to move my jo straight in and take the center back. Previously, I moved off to the side trying to take the center back. I got scared. I was afraid of getting hit.
Sensei said that even when I’m afraid, I move straight in to the attack. I let go my fear inside me. That was my training.
In the attack, I open up my hips in profile, move straight in with my jo, and come over the top the attacker’s jo. I take the center back. I make contact with the attacker to push them back. I don’t hurt them. I don’t strike in aggression. I strike simply to make the attacker move back. That’s all.
When I come straight over the top of the attacker’s jo with my jo, I’m on the opposite side of the kensen (the line of attack). Although I might take a glancing blow from the attacker, I take the center back. It’s one time. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. I make the attacker move back, otherwise they get hit. The attacker chooses.
The same mindset applies to empty hand attacks. The bigger stronger man punches to my face. I wait it out. I enter the attack and hold my position. The attacker tries to take my center with their punch. I try to take the center back. I open my hips in profile and move straight into the punch. I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the punch with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker.
I open my hips in profile to clear myself from the punch, and strike to the side of the attacker’s head. I’m in the center of the attack on the opposite side of the punch. I might take a glancing blow. I’m not always getting away without taking a hit. It’s one time. The attacker takes the fall or gets hit in the face. Again, they choose. Obviously, the greatest choice is not to attack in the first place. I’m more than just saying.
When someone attacks with their fist or weapon, I move straight into the attack. I hold my position under the attack. I make my timing. In the center of the attack, I let go my fear inside, my fear that I’m not good enough. I take my center back.
Whether in the Dojo or in life, I don’t run from what I fear. I enter what I fear straight in and hold my position. I make my timing. I let go my fear inside over, and over, and over again. I take the center back. I take me back.
I loved someone. I feared inside that I was not good enough. I entered straight into what I feared. I said, “I love you.” No, she didn’t love me. I was not good enough. She used me until she could find someone who she could love. What we all want in life. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear was truth. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I took my center back. I could just be me. That’s always good enough.
I fear many things. I’m afraid when someone doesn’t love me, because I’m not good enough. I’m afraid when someone wants to kick my ass, because they think they’re bigger and stronger than me. Still, I don’t run from what I fear. When I run from what I fear, that fear sustains. I have no freedom in that.
I move straight into what I fear. I hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I take the center back. I take myself back. I take my life back, too.
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