In Writer and Director Megan Park’s My Old Ass, 39-year-old Elliott, played by Aubrey Plaza, returned from the future to stop her 18-year-old Elliott, played by Maisy Stella, from falling in love with Chad, played Percy Hynes White. Chad was the great love of Elliott’s life, who died after she fell in love with him. After Chad died, devastated Elliott believed she could never love anyone that way again.
Maisy’s Young Ass Elliott said, “No, I’m gonna fall in love with Chad. I’m going to love him so hard for however long we have.”
Aubrey’s Old Ass Elliott said, “You’re just saying that because you’re young and dumb.”
Young Ass Elliott said, “But if you weren’t young and dumb, you wouldn’t be fucking brave enough to do anything!”
Truth. Trying to be too smart for life and avoid future suffering can keep you from actually living life. I know.
When I was 14 years old, I was the short fat ugly nerd, who no pretty girl would ever look at, much less want to date. Since I was a little boy, Dad scared me to my soul. I was not the son he wanted. I was Dad’s greatest disappointment in life. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me. It went without saying that I was not good enough for any pretty girl, too. I was smart enough to figure that out. I did the math.
Perhaps back then, I was too smart for my own good. I gave up on any possible social life. I never asked out a girl, because I knew she would say, “No.” I didn’t need any more disappointment. I knew I wasn’t good enough. I was sad enough. Life sucked. I sucked, too.
I got into the Iolani School, the prestigious all-boys private college prep school that my parents paid a lot of money for at the time. There, I didn’t have to worry about girls rejecting me. I concentrated all my efforts on my studies. Maybe, I get into a good university.
I was too smart for my own good, again. I calculated that I could wait it out. I get through high school and college. Get a good job. Make a lot of money. Maybe then, women would like me. Just maybe. At least, that was my plan.
Well, life didn’t unfold exactly as planned. I was 5’3”. I wasn’t handsome. I didn’t look like Hugh Jackman or Brad Pitt. I wasn’t exactly rich. I had to follow a different path. The one less traveled.
I trained in Aikido with the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei for 35 years. Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.” I didn’t have to get somewhere or be someone else. For the first time in my life, I could just be me. That was good enough. Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” In Aikido, I enter the attack, enter what I fear. I get under what I fear. That’s the safest place to be, in the danger.
In the danger, I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. I work on my self, not on others. Aikido Founder O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although, my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free myself. I’m brave being me.
I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I forgive my Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I’m brave being me, again.
I forgive 14-year-old Jon for being too smart for my own good, instead of being young and dumb, instead of just being a kid. Young and dumb Jon could have been brave enough to ask a girl out on a date. If she said, “No”, he could ask someone else. Move on. Because that’s what young and dumb does. Because when you’re young and dumb, you take risks; you live life.
I’m 62-years-old. I have nothing, but mad love and respect for being young and dumb. I’m still on the journey to fall madly and deeply in love with a woman, who will love me back the same way. I’m still not what women want, either. Women have dismissed or used me, because of who I am, what I look like.
I’m young and dumb as I keep trying, keep putting myself out there. On Match dotcom, I ask women who interest me what their favorite movies are or whether they like sushi. Although, I don’t get many responses. Who knows? Lightning could strike. There are always possibilities.
Trying to outsmart life can come back and bite you hard. Again, I would know. Instead, I invite life in. Let life come to me. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I keep my heart young, and I’m dumb enough to be brave and risk having a life I love. Have a meaningful life. That way, I’ll be young and dumb, forever.
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Photo by Krisztian Matyas on Unsplash
