Tom Matlack doesn’t think anything’s ending, he just wants us to remember what makes us men.
This piece is part of a special series on the End of Gender. This series includes bloggers from Role/Reboot, Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, Salon, HyperVocal, Ms. Magazine, YourTango, Psycholog
Have you ever met a guy who might as well be dead? You know, the guy who puts his hand out there for you to shake, but he doesn’t shake. He just lets you crush his wet, weak palm. He speaks in a whisper, and he’s so pale you’re not sure if he’s a ghost or a man.
No, I am not talking about albinos (who, in my experience, tend to be quite macho in their own way). I am talking about limp-wristed eunuchs. The ones that somehow have more money than god, a gorgeous wife, and might have even found a way to reproduce.
Sure, there doesn’t seem to be any semblance of whatever we’ve come to expect from a man in these men. And, well, that’s fine. But there doesn’t seem to be anything to these guys. They’re just there, not portraying any sense of self, not really portraying anything at all. They’re empty vessels, and that’s it. If you’re nothing, are you a man?
♦◊♦
Men have pretty much cornered the market on true evil throughout history. Sure there have been your crazy queens here and there, but when it comes to raping and pillaging, us guys have done it all. Equality for women has been a long, hard pull.
Here in America there are finally signs that women are not just even with, but better than men—at least statistically, when it comes to education and employment. Men still dominate the top spots, but it looks like our days are numbered.
Amidst all this history of sexual abuse and with the emergence of female superiority, the very idea of gender is coming under attack. Men across the country are being neutered for supposed sins of our very maleness.
♦◊♦
I have often thought that being macho is a good thing, that dads bring something to parenting that mom’s can’t, and that there is nothing wrong with a uniquely-male definition of goodness. For those views, I have been told that I am, fundamentally, part of the problem, not the solution.
But for me, the challenge facing us today is reasserting what it means to be a man—and a women. I am a feminist. I believe in equal rights, no matter what. But I don’t believe that means men and women are the same or that all men should pay for the sins of our misguided brothers.
Single-sex education is extremely successful because boys and girls are fundamentally different, learning in different ways, with different needs, physically an emotionally. As adults, too, we have different approaches to the same problems. We’ve certainly learned that a woman’s approach can be superior to a man’s in many instances.
♦◊♦
From the very beginning, the point of the Good Men Project has been to highlight the countless ways men—as fathers, husbands, sons, and workers—display a uniquely male form of goodness.
That’s why all this “end of men”—and “end of gender”—talk is so offensive to me. Having heard hundreds of inspiring stories from my brethren, finding their voices as men despite a world that has been turned upside down on them, I can’t imagine the point of sweeping those individual lives of courage away with a broad brush of supposed gender failure.
Yes, men and woman can all do the same things—well, almost all of the same things. But it’s how we do those things that make us fundamentally male and female. We can get to the same point, achieve the same goals, but we get there in different ways. That’s how we maintain that essence of masculinity or femininity.
Being a man is more confusing than it once was, with gender-bending examples all over the place. But gutting us of our balls because women are succeeding at an increasing rate, or because some men have or continue to commit a preponderance of gender-based crimes, is fundamentally missing the point.
Gender isn’t a zero-sum game, nor is it a concept that needs to be annihilated. Just because women are succeeding, it doesn’t mean men are failing. The game is changing, and the playing field is leveling out. But it’s not because guys are losing and women are winning. It’s because we’ve all—men and women—worked to get to a point where it’s fair—or fairer—for all of us. Men aren’t going away, and now, more than ever, we need to look deeply into what it means to be a good man. And whatever it means, it means being something.
—Photo doug88888/Flickr
Wow hey Tom controversy Created. i actually know what you mean, in the spiritual community i am part of there is an anti-Archtype of the pagan husband, someone who is spectacularly a non-person. His opinions only exist in support of group generalities, or his wife there is just no HIM in them. as for whether men are responsible for most of the evil in the world. I’ll own up yeah we are, we are also responsible for most of the good because before just recently women have been suppressed so they were able to contribute less, do women of MANY… Read more »
Tom, not sure if you’ll ever read this, but I really hope you can see how offensive that article was. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to be, but using terms like “limp wristed” to describe people you don’t consider to be real men is hugely problematic. Its a phrase tied up with decades of homophobia and violence against men who don’t fit the mould. I think it’d help if you wrote an apology for this, even a short one. You really do owe it to the men you’ve insulted.
Check These Out…
[…]check below, are some totally unrelated websites to ours, however, they are most trustworthy sources that we use[…]…
I understand that you’re trying to make a point about being something, and it’s a good point and worth making. But why dis eunuchs? I think we agree, as feminist men, that masculinity and femininity are of equal value, and also that they shift in their definitions over time and among societies. Is it fair to characterize an individual without gender as also being without substance or character? While you could describe our characters as being defined in part by how masculine or feminine we are, there are also real people who are neither. I would go so far as… Read more »
I have read a lot of bigoted, sexist stuff on this website. Bigotry and sexism pretty much sums up what GMP does. But this article takes the cake. It is a stunning display of obtuseness, obviously penned by someone with a mind that doesn’t know it self. Is this your best shot at defining a man, Mr. Matlack? Handshakes and skin pigment? Seriously? Sorry, but I am just floored by the inanity of all this. And you co-founded this website? Good God. No wonder you have spent so much time in the comments telling your readers how clueless and irrational… Read more »
“I am a feminist. I believe in equal rights, no matter what.” – Tom Matlack, The GMP That’s all you need to know right there. Constant male bashing and female exhalting…it’s all about “equality” at The GMP. If feminists believed in equal rights they wouldn’t be so hell-bent on neutering and disenfranchising males such as yourself and your sons Tom. They really have you wrapped around their little finger here don’t they? Is the meager stipend worth it? Are you that perpetually confused about your own masculinity that you feel the need to project it on to others or are… Read more »
Tom Matlack says, “Men have pretty much cornered the market on true evil throughout history.”
My response – Take a look at this website:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_guards_in_Nazi_concentration_camps
Are we arguing against Hanna Rosin, Jezebel, The Atlantic, and The New Two and a Half men ?? You know we don’t have to. I really don’t know a lot of men who worry of the “end of men”. I know some that worry about their own personal demise, but that’s different to what we’re talking about here. I do agree this spin economic cycle is displacing lives, but there is no need to get sentimental about it, or write stuff like this about it. True story about teh menz: A male philosopher by the name of J. Asustin claimed… Read more »
As a gay male, I don’t much like the idea of equating being a man with being macho. I think that a much more useful concept is the idea of being a “mensch”–a good man, a good human being. Neither sex has a monopoly on goodness. Neither sex is without its share of villains. Goodness is something both sexes can and should aspire to. Here’s to being a mensch, whatever set of chromosomes you may carry in your genes!
Agree Paul. When I say “new macho” it’s a lot closer to your mensch than John Wayne.
“Neither sex has a monopoly on goodness.”
Quiet correct, Paul, but not something you will see by and large on the pages of this website. They tolerate gay men here as long as they are male bashing feminists. And only as long.
Gay men that are fans of this site are lapdogs, surrendering their innate masculinity to feel a sense of belonging.
I, too, think that boys need men to lead them into manhood. Boys and girls look around and try to figure out how they should act. They need a model that presents good ways to use their strength. Men have to teach them how to treat women. What troubles me is the idea that men and women are just inherently different. Most of the differences between us are quantitative, not qualitative. So there will always be some men who want to care for children full-time and some women who are fire fighters for example. Or if you want to move… Read more »
Black Iris what is wrong with saying women and men are equal but just different? When I look at classrooms full of boys and girls (I have three kids) you see a wide spectrum of individual kids but boys and girls at a young age learn and see the world differently. I think that is actually good. But am interested in why you see it as a problem?
you are making out all boys see the world the same, and all girls do too. That is just wrong.
What’s wrong is that the difference don’t apply to all kids and so some of them will end up feeling bad about themselves if we talk as though they do. For example, boys are generally more physically active than girls. They tend to like non-fiction more than fiction. Their ability to write with a pencil tends to develop later. So, on the one hand, we need to be sure that schools allow time for physical play and don’t punish kids for squirming in their seats. We need to be sure to provide books about dinosaurs so that boys will want… Read more »
i usually dont agree with your posts(im not a feminist).But this one was excellent. I completely agree with it, and especially with the last paragraph
The problem there is that we already do that, it’s everywhere. It’s just rarely sanctioned by school itself, by teachers (at least officially), by teaching methods. Boys who aren’t into sports or not good at throwing ARE shamed for it, now. They were decades ago, too. They are made to feel as if they’re not real boys, proper boys, that they are lesser. And I’m certain the same happens to girls who aren’t into appearance as much, who don’t care much at all about fashion, make-up, glitter, pink, dolls. The solution definitely isn’t more of that shaming though, unlike what… Read more »
there is nothing wrong with a uniquely-male definition of goodness
a uniquely male form of goodness
Okay. What is the uniquely-male definition of and form of goodness?
you can start with being a good husband and father and go from there…
Okay. What is it about being a good spouse or parent that is uniquely-male?
and what if you are not married and don’t have kids? Is it ‘eunuch-like’ to be a single man, or to be a gay or bisexual man?
Not at all. We have had many gay men (and women) write about their experience on GMP. Seems to me that being a gay man means, generally, something different than being a gay woman. Of course we also have many single men writing about how to date with integrity, how to work as a photojournalist in combat in a way that allows the world to see the truth, how to help the less fortunate. All kinds of goodness that are certainly influenced by their maleness.
Why is dating with integrity ‘male’? or ‘helping the less fortunate’? or being a photo journalist?
what does ‘maleness’ have to do with being good? (0r bad)
This is all because deep down, when all is said and done, Mr Matlack truly believes it is the civic and God-given duty for men to be providers, protectors, builders, workers and so on. At a level more obligatory then women. In this way Tom Matlack is a patriarchist in a way few “typical MRAs” could ever dream of competing with. Congrats Tom-you are a master juggler who manages to be the patriachist you claim you are against-AND the feminist you wish to please.
Oh and uhh—I see you as sexist as well Tom.
Just to follow up, Tom, my question is what is it about being a good spouse or parent that is uniquely-male?
“Of course we also have many single men writing about how to date with integrity, how to work as a photojournalist in combat in a way that allows the world to see the truth, how to help the less fortunate. All kinds of goodness that are certainly influenced by their maleness.”
Okay, how so?
*crickets chirping*
The silence speaks volumes.
Kirsten, might I suggest being the one with the penis? In any hetero couple, someone’s gotta have one. And no, I’m not saying “having a penis” as a symbol for anything else. Either sex can wear the pants. But in a hetero couple, someone’s gotta have a penis.
Or am I completely off the mark? Will a strap on suffice in case one member is a eunuch? Dang, different strokes for different folks I suppose, but that’s not common. At least, not yet.
Is “having a penis” somehow a characteristic of goodness? That is, after all, the question. What is the uniquely-male definition of or form of goodness?
If you are going to blame men for violence then you should at least recognize that much of that violence throughout history has been done for the betterment or defense of a particular community, which includes women. Did you read about the white feather campaign for WW2 when early feminist shamed men who didn’t go to war? How many women are really attracted to wimpy guys vs. the strong powerful type? I think it’s time that we stop separating issues as male of female and start recognizing that there is a lot of interaction and influence between genders as well.… Read more »
Women of all stripes shamed the men into going to war. And that shame lies predominantly with women. Let’s agree that the world wars were truly horrific and if you lived in Europe everyone was on the front lines. Those were the first wars where armies turned their battle plans to destroying large scale populaces first which would then undermine the defending army. Part of the problem with speaking about gender is the blame game. I respect that many men have suffered at the hands of their mothers, and that she had the primary responsibility to stop herself from abusing… Read more »
So what we are talking about here is a man who doesn’t measure up by your measure of manliness, but still, somehow has the trappings of social status that we all want (money, wife, sprogs) yes, it’s a wierd thing. AS a woman, I find these men don’t measure up to my ruler of person-ness, much less of masculinity. And i cannot understand how a woman could be happy living next ot a non-entity, how coworkers of any gender could not trip over him in the hallway, how these people make their (considerable at times,) mark in the world. But–… Read more »
What a disgusting display of not only masculine shaming but of Male bashing and class warfare as well.
Bravo!!!
I’ve never read a Misandry hat trick before Today. I truly am impressed …..
Arrgh! I should have quoted this passage: … You know, the guy who puts his hand out there for you to shake, but he doesn’t shake. He just lets you crush his wet, weak palm. He speaks in a whisper, and he’s so pale you’re not sure if he’s a ghost or a man. … I am talking about limp-wristed eunuchs. The ones that somehow have more money than god, a gorgeous wife, and might have even found a way to reproduce. That’s what I was responding to. If Tom has noticed that “Limp-wristed eunuchs” nevertheless manage to acquire the… Read more »
I appreciate the sentiment. I think you’re right about hanging on to the good things and getting rid of the bad things about masculinity. I know it’s a brief article meant to stimulate discussion, but it came across to me as a little too binary, like the only choice is “macho” or “neutered.” There’s either the embodiment of all the evils of history or there’s being a total nonentity. Either Attila the Hun (who has an unfairly negative reputation, by the way) or Niles Crane. I don’t think you really see it in such black and white terms, but the… Read more »
I don’t read a concept like the “end of gender” in alarmist terms. Rather it signals the end of a conception of gender that has pushed people–both men and women–into far too narrow gender roles. Women started the conversation about changing what it means to be a woman, and now men have to stay at the table and learn how to be better about sharing power–and everything that goes along with having power. If you give up power, great gifts—like knowing your children—can come your way. In the process, men can learn to think differently about what it means to… Read more »
I love men. Always have! I, for one, would hate for men to turn into eunuchs! But the idea of masculinity has certainly become a bit of a negative catch-all–and it shouldn’t be. One of the reasons I love my husband is because of his inherent sense of self as a man–he has never acted as if he has something to prove. He prefers a pina colada to a shot of whiskey, plays a mean guitar, and is a hands-on dad and husband. He cannot be summed up in a couple of words–thank god. But problems arise when trying to… Read more »
Thanks Michele. Couldn’t agree more that trying to dumb down or simplify or generalize manhood is a very bad and destructive idea (as it is for women and gender in general). One of the things that has been most inspiring to me is to hear the stories of men who are completely different from me and find a way to be a good man in a context which I know nothing about. There is a core challenge which is similar, but the power in storytelling comes from being transported to a different place to walk for a while in someone… Read more »
I think real compassion is lost these days. A lot of people think they are compassionate, but they place conditions on who to be compassionate for (certainly not illegal immigrants!). Frankly, I’m sick of it. And, I will tell my husband you said that. He’ll get a kick that I used him as a positive example!
And yet you spend your time eliminating whole slews of men for not being men. Little contradictory, aren’t we?
I’ve been working with men, and the women who love them, for more than 40 years. Clearly something is ending, but it isn’t the end of men. It’s the end of system that has been exploiting the Earth for a long time. Riane Eisler calls it the Dominator Culture. David Korten calls it Empire. Daniel Quinn calls those who are caught up in that system Takers. I called it the Ship of Industrial Civilization. The captains of the Ship went on a drunken cruise with the discovery and use of fossil fuels 150 years ago. World population increased dramatically and… Read more »
Jed thanks. Finally some rationality in this comment section.
“Finally some rationality in this comment section.”
No Tom, the other comments were just as rational. You are just dismissing any that do not agree and side with yours as irrational.
Sorry to disappoint you, but what you see around you, feminism and the rest of the bullcrap on this site, isn’t the end of the dominator culture, it’s the culmination of it. Better described as gynocentrism, or a culture entirely focused on fulfilling women’s desires and instincts; where men slaves to women and their whyms, where they have to do nothing but slave away to women, and women get to cruelly use them, while fantasizing about the alpha super rich male; aka those captains of industry and finance, the upper .5% of society. Then, after enough fantasizing they get to… Read more »
QRG: That policeman and fireman that you call for in the middle of the night, probably played football, and there is a pretty good chance that they were in the military. Both of which are traditional rites of passage. I’d almost be willing to guarantee that your V-neck/man-pri wearing hipster, emo boyfriend isn’t going to be of much help. Those same men probably make gay jokes at their colleagues, and make racial jokes to them as well. Guess what, there is zero malice in any of that. It’s a bonding ritual that most men go through, and it’s perfectly OK,… Read more »
thanks aaron but I don’t have a boyfriend. And some fireman are homos.
Dear me. What is the the relevance of some fireMEN being homosexual? All firemen put their lives at risk to save our lives and they deserve respect and thanks regardless of whom they choose to love.
There ain’t nothing quiet about your riot. Ever thought of Angry Riot Girl instead?
I was commenting on how some men will be the butt of the jokes aaron was talking about.
‘Those same men probably make gay jokes at their colleagues’ – he was suggesting firemen are heterosexual and ‘masculine’. I said some firemen are gay.
And what’s that matter if they are gay? Guys are making fun of them, so what? We give each other shit all the time, true or not. “I’m a black man and I’m going to go cry in the corner because some redneck made a joke about black people” “I’m a queer so I’m going to run to ‘The Man’ because the guys hurt my feelings by making fun of fudgepackers” seriously, we don’t wear our feelings on our sleeve like women. This is why I think men are more emotionally mature than women, because we don’t let our emotions… Read more »
Is anger not an emotion? Anger is typically associated with male behavior, so to say you’re emotionally more mature than women is laughable, especially because stereotypes beg otherwise, just as stereotypes like to suggest women are supposedly more emotional, never considering that anger is an emotion more destructive than the emotions women are supposedly known for.
She made a perfectly good point: I’m not sure if he meant it that way, but Aaron’s comment was extraordinarily offensive to non-macho men and suggested that they just don’t contribute like “real” men do, not to mention making some pretty sweeping assumptions about her orientation and preferences. QRG’s comment pointed out that many of the men he lambasted fulfill the roles he mentioned perfectly well.
If anything it was a remarkably measured response to a very angry piece.
I know quite a few firemen, having been a reporter and growing up with a babysitter who was a firemans wife, and not a single one of them was involved in the military. Most went straight from school into training/came off the farm and went into training.
I don’t know about what city you’re in, but a huge majority of firemen here are former military. And that’s because on the acceptance testing, former military are given 5 extra points and only like 50 applicants are accepted…on the latest test here, the top 20-ish scores are 100+
i found the original post claiming the firemen and policemen that qrg relies on, to be funny. as from memory she is british in the uk , like me.
so im surprised she didnt mention, we dont have that(american) culture where alot of firemen or policemen have served in the armed forces. They are distinct services here
I would like to live in a world where bravery and athleticism are’t inherently linked to using gay jokes as a rite of passage. Surely, you can keep the good and reject the negative. I know some pretty strong gay men who would probably make good firefighters, but who would subject themselves to being around people who use you as a punchline?
I would, and do. Then I use them as a punchline. nothing wrong with that. there are bigger things to worry about
Then I pity you.
I think Matlack’s version of ‘macho’ masculinity is sexist, homophobic, passe, and, well, decidedly camp!
Think The Village People in spandex.
Really QRG? Based on what. Don’t really appreciate the negativity on what is intended as a positive post, supporting both women and men.
Really?!?! Did you mention any of the positive things that men have done throughout history? Or have we just cornered the market on true evil?
Beste have you read any of my writings or the mission of GMP which I founded? It’s all about telling first person stories about men being good fathers, husbands, workers and sons. Men serving in war, turning their lives around in prison, showing up for their wives, and grappling with the big issues of the day. Stories like the one about Michael Kamber or Julio Mendina or Andre Tippett. I really don’t get how a positive article about manhood, and a body of work that supports and encourages men, can be turned around into a fist fight about my being… Read more »
Tom, if that’s the plan, please please please drop Hugo Schwyer so I can keep coming here in good conscience. Otherwise, I feel like I’m just trying to cut my own throat and poison my own mind reading his nonsense.
Thanks!
For the record, I like this article of yours.
Tom –
You’re not encouraging and supporting men, but rather further demoralizing them.
Can’t you see that?
You’re writing targets an audience of male apologists and feminist sycophants; certianly not men or the male psyche and condition. If you’re trying to touch a nerve, perhaps by now you’re starting to realize, it’s the wrong one. Reaching men through a feminist/feminized perspective is a flawed approach. Put down the “Women’s Studies” narrative and reboot your consciousness.
I second both the Wet One and keyster’s comments. A lot of the writing is Dworkian-quality anti-male hostility.
I am sorry Tom but as far as I am concerned, celebrating ‘machismo’ and being rather nasty about men who do not fit your macho ideals, and act like ‘eunuchs’ is nothing but negative.
Macho for me is just a ridiculous, blunt, *camp* attempt to hide the more ‘feminine’ sides of being a man in this world.
More feminine sides of being a man. And trying to ‘hide’ them. LOL
You are the same women that sneer in disgust when those aspects are displayed by men. This is why the biggest thing to MGTOW is for men to decide forthemselves and themselves alone what it means to be a man.
Is it sexist to revel in one’s own masculinity? Masculinity isn’t inherently bad. Men have nothing to prove, and nothing to apologize for. There is value in “traditional” maleness. Strength of mind, body, and soul, and being in touch with all of that isn’t a bad thing.
Brava, Terre!
The end of gender? No way. The end of immature masculinity and immature femininity? We can only hope. To guide us there are not only many mythologies (if we know how to interpret them), there are also more current-day guides. Carl Jung reached into wisdom traditions of many cultures and offered up the notion that both masculine and feminine lives in each of us and that there are developmental stages of each of those genders. Maiden, mother, wise old woman (crone works for me, but many women wince hearing that word) for the feminine. The feminine journey is different that… Read more »
Great response. I’d like to see en masse adolescence end as well.
Yeah I saw Roger Daltry last year too and found it pretty disturbing frankly. Great comment.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I attended a Roger Daltry (formerly of The Who) concert. After playing through the entire Tommy repertoire, the band began playing The Who tunes. Amid great musical flourish, Daltry turned around to face the audience with his shirt completely unbuttoned. As if that was the same thrill it was in 1970 at The Isle of Wight concert. The crowd did not cheer, They froze somewhat. That is the reaction to a 65 year-old puer. It is no longer thrilling to see such a demonstration of vainglory, it is sad. Interesting, it seemed preplanned on… Read more »
I think you miss a vital point when you blame men in general for “evil”, women are the primary socialization influence and primary child abusers and therefore have created the majority of “evil” people that have lived.
Also, organic and trauma based personality disorders, what you might call “evil” or “masculinity”, exist in only a small % of the population.
Also, the quest for equality has been the most prolific mass murdering campaign we have on record.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Black_Book_of_Communism
Give me a break Ron. I am talking about raping and pillaging. You really think that it’s inaccurate to say that men have done a lot more of that in history than women?
Agree that evil occurs in a very small percentage of the population. Obviously my point here is that maleness is a good thing and something to be embraced. Your comment completely misses the big picture.
But he was also making a valid point that doesn’t deserve to be squelched.
We need to confront problematic formulations when we see them, including the presentation of women as madonna/ whores, and including the presentation of men as criminals and rapists.
I understand the point you were trying to make, but I think that you should consider reflecting on the way that you felt entitled to make it— and the way that you responded to criticism.
And why were men doing the raping and pillaging? Oh, yeah, to get approval of their women, provide for their children. Also, the only reason men have been doing more raping and pillaging is because THEY COULD. It has got nothing to do with men being more evil, but with women not having the upper body strength required to heft a massive sword, shield, heavy armor and supplies and hack people in twain. However, there were cultures where women were trained as soldiers in equal numbers to men; either in a different function (think seduction killing), or when they were… Read more »
Do you seriously think that war is only a male thing? Women have systematically chosen the most aggressive and barbaric men to be their protectors, to stand up and do the unthinkable when war is necessary to protect the tribe. You’re so caught up in gender blaming that you fail to see that it goes both ways. If it wasn’t for the need to have protectors and defenders we wouldn’t have seen the savage and dehumanizing consequences of war that you blame squarely men for. Perhaps if you didn’t bear such deep seated sexism towards your own sex (read: feminist)… Read more »