Tom Matlack looks at the scary stories about the End of Men, and asks what we’re really afraid of.
I made the mistake of hitting a newsstand the other day. It scared the living shit out of me.
Time’s cover read “The Richer $ex” referring to women. Inside, Joel Stein wrote a hilarious piece, “Campaign secrets I learned from Emily’s List, which offers boot camp for women candidates.” The Newsweek cover, meanwhile, went with the “150 Fearless Women.” The most read Wall Street Journal article over the weekend was, “Has the Sexual Revolution Been Good For Women?
Wow, the Wall Street Journal?
Don’t get me wrong. I am all for the up-with-women theme to the reporting. It’s just we all know that gender is a two way street and when you are talking about one you are really talking about the other one too, even when there is no mention of the other sex. It’s not that gender is a zero sum game, but we do define ourselves in relation to one another. So I am all for women taking over the world. As long as I can figure out what the heck that means for us guys.
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A spiritual mentor of mine use to harp on me with my constant questions about the role of work: Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. The Zen saying is intended to point out that enlightenment is not contingent upon arriving at the perfect activity. It actually doesn’t depend on any high-minded pursuit at all. It depends on the frame of mind you bring to even the most menial of tasks.
That was over a decade ago, and my situation in life has changed plenty but my questions have persisted. I have realized that I am not alone. Most of the men I know have similar deep-seated quandaries about work, meaning and priorities. Maybe it is a sign of spiritual weakness on my part, or on the part of a whole gender. But I don’t think so. I think it’s a sign of something far deeper.
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I keep on wondering what is on the other side. The other side of life, the other side of time, the other side of the things I am trying to accomplish as a man. Maybe it’s just me that’s having an existential crisis. I have the three kids, the two wives (one ex now for 15 years the other current for going on a decade), a drinking problem that continues to warp my worldview despite being sober for half an adult lifetime, and depression that sends me on insane athletic expeditions in search of endorphins and to my shrink for another round of meds on alternate weeks.
In short, I probably shouldn’t be the poster boy for modern manhood. I’m more than a little fucked up despite massive amounts of self-help circle time. But then I really don’t know any guys, no matter how clean cut they look on the outside, who aren’t really confused.
The male identity has been fractured almost beyond repair. That’s why the men we see in film and in the headlines have become more and more like cartoon characters in their goodness (Navy Seals) and badness (Charlie Sheen).
Normal guys want to do the right thing. They want to bring home the bacon. They want to be good husbands. They want to be good dads. But the goal is now out of reach. It feels like nothing, no matter how hard you try, is enough.
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The game of masculinity used to have easily understood rules. Make money. Show courage in battle. Fuck and drink when given the opportunity. Marry beautiful and just a little smart. Have 2.2 kids, preferably blond. Play golf. Watch sports.
None of that works anymore.
Guys who make tons of money are all assholes, according to public opinion. And let’s be honest, if you get to the top of the heap it’s a very hollow victory indeed, not only because the OWS folks are going to throw garbage at you, but because by now we’ve all realized that having the biggest toys when you die really doesn’t mean shit.
We have been in the longest war in our history and the guys who have fought those battles aren’t just coming home empty handed—Iraq and Afghanistan are still in deep trouble—but are those men are broken. Those who aren’t in pieces physically are in pieces emotionally with profound post-traumatic stress.
Being a father and a husband has never been more important, nor more difficult. It’s pretty hard to feel like you are getting it right. The bar for our dads and grandfathers was pretty fricking low when it came to being a “good” dad and husband. For us, that bar keeps getting higher and higher.
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So I come back to this idea of the meaning of maleness, the idea that we need to get somewhere to be enough. Maybe I need a ton more meditation, or a higher dose of anti-depressants. But I keep thinking about what I can do to be a man.
This is what I have come to call, just for me, as the “shadow” of manhood. It’s that idea that there is something to prove, so magically bullet that if only I could figure out, would hold the key to my own fulfillment, my own highest self, my happiness. But I keep on coming up with lists of stuff to do, of men I might become, of goals that I might want to achieve, and none of it seems to add up to anything I can hold onto. It’s like sand between my fingers.
And as I talk to other men that shadow is a common theme among the men I meet.
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And yet, I continue to come back to the idea that manhood and meaning is not a matter of the content of the thing but in fact the perspective with which you look at the very same thing—“chop wood, carry water.”
Our editor-in-chief Noah Brand pointed out to me a very interesting phenomenon with regard to the supposed end of men labor statistics.
Here’s the data on women’s employment that has sparked all the headlines:
And here’s the same data on the end of men:
So this is the point at which us guys might as well go out in the backyard, dig a ditch, climb in, and wait for someone to cover us in dirt.
But before we all start playing Russian roulette Deer Hunter style, let’s just do one little statistical change of perspective. What happens when we combine the two graphs?
What in isolation looks like female domination, as so widely reported, and the end of men, equally widely reported, all of the sudden looks surprisingly like equality.
And here’s the thing. As men we want to stay home with the kids. We want to let our wives shine. We want to be more than the guy working 100 hours a week who never does anything else.
Just as women wanted to have the option of doing more than staying at home, as men we want to have the option to do more than just work.
Maybe it’s a matter of perspective. The stories of men’s demise and women’s domination are both accurate up to a point in isolation. But when you put them together you see that what has really happened is that both genders have a much richer set of options. There is no male shadow because there is no one way to be a man. There is an infinite variety to choose from. Just as there are an infinite variety of ways to be a successful and good woman.
While that makes the navigation more complex for all of us, equality is, in the end a good thing.
Photo— jaqian/Flickr
Seems to be some confusion about economics in reading these charts. Its great that more women have the choice of entering the workforce. But women entering the workforce does not require that male unemployment rates should rise. If we believe that men and women have an equal desire to work, egalitarianism would mean that women’s employment rates would rise to meet men.
What I see is a consequence of a gender conversation that subscribes to the false idea that for women to advance, men must decline. Those numbers are self-fulfilling prophecy.
The only point I wanted to make in my earlier post was that by effectively doubling the work force you have reduced the value of any given unit of labor by one half. Thus, based on the charts provided, Tom’s sons have a pretty good chance of having a lower standard of living in the labor market using today’s standard work hours (provided they can find work in a workforce twice what it was earlier). I phrased my response from the male perspective because his article was generally written to address the issue from that perspective. I didn’t say and… Read more »
@ Rick … I wonder, if the economy wasn’t what it is and if so many on our society bought into the “material things are important … the bigger the better and you’ll be happy” crap, how many women would be choosing a so called business career. Where sales clerk jobs used to be positions held by students, they are now held by women who are simply making ends meet, supplementing their family income. How many women are in the work force because their husbands are under-employed or can’t even find a job?
@Heather … you really don’t know men at all. Simply wanting everyone to be the same isn’t realistic. It’s the feminist influence that has given you your egalitarian views. Egalitarianism, in my view, is a high bread of feminism. It eveloved from feminism and it’s women who are still calling the shots. I’m beginning to think that it’s no more then smoke and mirrors and many men are falling for it. Men are hard wired diefferently then women and that’s not taken into account. Anyone can be trained to do anything but is that what they want?
“Simply wanting everyone to be the same isn’t realistic.” – I have said this once, and I will say it again. I don’t want everyone to be the same. I want everyone to have the same opportunities, and to be treated as being equally capable of the same societal roles regardless of their gender. Individuals are different and that difference should be respected, on an individual basis. “Men are hard wired diefferently then women and that’s not taken into account. Anyone can be trained to do anything but is that what they want?” – And this is where you totally… Read more »
By the way … “Tom B” is the same as brechlintom, for some reason I had to reregister on this string. I didn’t want to think I was a trol or something. That being said … Yes, I believe men are hard wired to do some things that women are not. You’re a teacher and if anyone should understand the differences I would think it would be you. Males learn differently than females. Why is it so hard to accept that men are genetically different then women. It doesn’t mean they are less or more capable but simply have different… Read more »
I’m a PhD student, actually. If you’re referring to my stint teaching sex-ed to high school students – that involved me going to different classes, so I never really got to know the students on a personal level. Anyway, this is something we are going to disagree one, but I would like you to understand my position. I do acknowledge that biology plays a role in gender differences, I just think that it’s not nearly as important as you make it out to be. “Are you saying a guy is supposed to see a women as a male role model?”… Read more »
“but are those men are broken. Those who aren’t in pieces physically are in pieces emotionally with profound post-traumatic stress.” (Moderator’s Note-Edited for personal attack) I’m a veteran and I’m sick and tired of this “broken helpless veteran” bullshit the media keeps churning out. PTSD only affects 20-30% of veterans and it’s curable with treatment. PTSD happens to victims of extreme weather and car accidents too. Why don’t you read “Veterans battle PTSD stigma — even if they don’t have it” on MSNBC today or something else so you don’t keep propagating this ignorant bullshit!! I finished college and got… Read more »
Tom Look at that chart and tell me you don’t fear for your sons futures. Women are more than 50% of the workforce and that percentage is only getting larger daily. There may be multiple paths to manhood but those future men had better find something besides their employment to contribute to their self worth because the other reality of that chart is that labor is now CHEAP, if they can find work it isn’t going to support them to the standard they enjoy today (not your sons specifically but the next generation as a whole, I truly wish nothing… Read more »
“Look at that chart and tell me you don’t fear for your sons futures.”
What about that chart indicates anything other than a move toward equality? Employment numbers for men and women are equalizing. How’s that a bad thing?
“Employment numbers for men and women are equalizing. How’s that a bad thing?” In principle it wouldn’t be a bad thing. The problem is you’re forgetting that the pressure to work and earn is not equal. For men, not having a job is a far more serious problem on every level than it is for women. And women themselves are part of what creates this imbalance. Even most high earning career women still look for even higher earning men. All things considered, a society where all men have jobs is infinitely safer and more prosperous than a society where most… Read more »
“Without a career, men have pretty much nothing – no reason to live or care about anything or anyone because nobody will care about them.” Alright, I’m going to be a little bit snarky here, and it’s not in reaction to you exactly…I’m just a little bit tired of hearing this particular argument: Being a woman does not automatically give you a purpose in life…for crying out loud! Without a career, I’ve got fuck-all in my life too, to be honest. Just because I have a working pair of ovaries doesn’t mean that I am a born mother. Even back… Read more »
@ HeatherN Everything in you say in your first two paragraphs is based on anecdotes. We’re not talking about individuals here. You can find individual examples of everything imaginable and a more; yet it means zilch for this discussion. Oh, and in case you add a load more anecdotes, I point out that the plural of anecdote is not evidence. Your third paragraph is starting to say something I can use. You’re right the pressure is starting to equalize. The problem is that this is not out of choice. Bread earning women are rarely that by design but out of… Read more »
I said the first bits were snarky reaction…a bit of a rant, if you will. The point to take away from that is that the idea that women are somehow born with a purpose is ridiculous. That’s all. “Bread earning women are rarely that by design but out of necessity.” But see, bread-earning men aren’t exactly that by design either. If we all had our druthers we’d have loads of spare time in which we could pursue our hobbies or travel or whatever. Everyone is employed out of necessity, and it’s a bonus if we actually desire the job we… Read more »
“The point to take away from that is that the idea that women are somehow born with a purpose is ridiculous.” Nobody says “purpose”. Value however, is another matter entirely. This same very website has an article that states men should accept women as more precious than themselves. Where were all you supposedly egalitarian feminists then? If you are egalitarian you have an obligation to stand up to such blatant sexism. “But see, bread-earning men aren’t exactly that by design either. “ You don’t understand men very well do you? Well, that is self explanatory but what is still needed… Read more »
“Where were all you supposedly egalitarian feminists then?” – Probably not part of the website yet? Or maybe I just didn’t see the article? I am (obviously) someone who voices their opinion a lot. So chances are if someone said something sexist and I didn’t comment on it, it’s because I didn’t read it…or because someone else called them out on it. “Women select providers on average. That hasn’t really changed. Men do not select female providers. Hence no pressure.” – If the only pressure you see is with regards to finding a heterosexual mate, then you are living in… Read more »
Here is the article:
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/being-a-man-means-putting-others-before-yourself/
I would like to know what you have to say about it.
Well we’re going a bit off topic to this article…but here’s what I’ll say about the one you linked: I don’t read it as saying that women are more precious than men. I read it as saying that being a man (an adult) means putting others (regardless of gender) before yourself…it’s about no longer being selfish. Now, I didn’t read the comments, but if the author did mean to include the aspect of gender in that, then yes that’s problematic. If he was saying something along the lines of – real men put their wives/girlfriends/etc first, well then yeah that’s… Read more »
Being put on moderation means that it’s time for me to leave.
“He does not say “adult”, he says “man”. This makes the “aspect of gender” very clear.” He’s writing it on a site whose expected audience is men…so there are plenty of articles on this site which talk about what it means to be a good man, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the attributes they mention don’t also apply to being a good woman. Like, okay, if I saw an article titled “Being a man means putting others before yourself,” on a site that wasn’t directed at men, or a site like Jezebel, then I’d be wicked pissed…because then obviously… Read more »
@ Heather apparently I’m off moderation. Lucky me. “He’s writing it on a site whose expected audience is men” Like I said, given that we’re talking about males anyway there is EVEN LESS reason to point them out specifically, unless of course you are intentionally excluding those who aren’t male. “…so there are plenty of articles on this site which talk about what it means to be a good man, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the attributes they mention don’t also apply to being a good woman.” There’s a big mistake in this reasoning caused by the problem of… Read more »
Ah so when you’re in moderation it’s not necessarily because you violated the commenting policy. The way your comment gets put into moderation is with a program automatically, so sometimes a comment gets thrown into moderation even though it’s not problematic.
Also, because we’ve started discussing a completely different article in these comments, I posted my reply to this in the comments section of the article you linked to me. Here’s a link: https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/being-a-man-means-putting-others-before-yourself/comment-page-1/#comment-136856
What about the millions of men that don’t want to be stay at home dads? Stay at home dads is GREAT I would have been a great dad at home but that’s not what I was about. That’s not what my dad was about.
I’d love to see that stats on how well stay at home dads do in divorce court.
I never said men had to be stay-at-home Dads. I was just saying that the move to equality is a good thing, across the board. A greater appreciation for stay-at-home dads indicates society finding worth in men outside of the traditional role as breadwinner.
Also, I never said everything was equal at the minute…obviously we’re still working toward it.
“I never said men had to be stay-at-home Dads. I was just saying that the move to equality is a good thing, across the board.” It is if your a women, because while people keep saying ” is not a zero sum game!”, a lot of this stuff is. Like employment, if the men line stayed the same and the women line grew just as much as it shows in the graph above, would that still be equality? because if the men line has to come down for the women line to go up then it IS a zero sum… Read more »
I don’t only fear for my son but I also fear the daughters in that they will not have the option of being a stay at home mom with a working husband (bread winner). Feminists have done a great job with shooting women in the foot. Good job ladies, you managed to screw it up both genders.
This article starts of really well. In fact most of it is excellent. You very accurately and eloquently describe the common male perspective. You thoughtfully refrain from casting blame or draw generalized conclusions about what caused this. …until the end. Then it’s as if you handed the work to some radical feminist to finish it off – complete with totally delusional assumptions abut reality. You take LABOR equality and conflate it with universal gender equality and portray it as though modern men’s confusion is somehow a result of more labor equality. This couldn’t be further from the truth. You MUST… Read more »
“So I am all for women taking over the world. As long as I can figure out what the heck that means for us guys”
The end of men coincided with massive decline in productive manufacturing which is a primary industry supporting other services.
With the ongoing trend of female dominance in post secondary education, women will become the managers and decision makers while men are left with the labor intensive dirty jobs and trades. It seems to me like a new class system but you’ve already embraced your new masters.
@assman … sounds good but you and I know it’s not real. I know you were joking but there are many that see men as truly having those feelings as being a slug and being okay with it.
@Tom, you hit many nails on the head. Thanks for sharing this.
“sounds good but you and I know it’s not real. I know you were joking but there are many that see men as truly having those feelings as being a slug and being okay with it.” who says it isn’t real? An honestly, other than children what reason is there for taking on the burden of being a “productive member of society” if when you get there the only thing waiting is a label that says “proof of the oppression of women” unless your MASSIVELY qualified? In a world where everybody (At least everybody I talk to) is ok with… Read more »
Right on lechereous. No matter how well you do, no matter how honorable, educated and hard working you are, even the most immature, ignorant woman can bully you into silence as a chauvinist/misogynist… and nobody else will stand up for you. Just look at that awful Rebecca Watson telling off Richard Dawkins in that EG fiasco. He’s an extremely successful person, scientist, author, and her only qualification is that she has a vagina and has an internet following – the latter requiring the former. Seriously, as a man there is no reliable way to win respect. Be loving, caring, giving… Read more »
@Lecherous & Adi … It’s kind of sad to see where things are with some men. I’m not saying that this is either of you but is there no wonder why men are struggling with depression these days? Self image, self worth … no real plan for the future? I’m sure you’re not alone with these feelings.
I think the end of men is great. Let women take over and they can just call us when they want sex. I think men are just tired of the whole thing anyways. At least before when we were leaders we were admired. Now we are hated. So let just give it up. Women want it and its a big headache. Let them have it!
We can live in our mother’s houses, play video games and have sex. We don’t have to cook, clean or be responsible. Its pretty great!
I, for one, welcome our new female overlords!
Yeah, I imagine a lot of successful women going lesbian before they feel excited about an unemployed man-boy living at his parents.
Afraid its porn for us.