We need to start thinking about manhood differently. And by “we,” I don’t just mean guys—I mean women too. Maybe what’s really going on is more of a role reversal than either men or women realize, or are ready to admit. But denying this reversal won’t help; it can only dig us all deeper into today’s male identity crisis.
Every time I approach major corporations about talking to their employees about what it means to be a good man, they steer me toward their executive women’s group—who, they insist, would be delighted to talk about manhood. When I ask why they don’t have a men’s group, the response is an unsatisfactory combination of legal rules (it could be viewed as illegally discriminatory against women) and pop psychology.
It’s a funny thing about men. We don’t like to complain. In fact, some would say that we don’t really know how to talk about anything other than a box score or stock table. Women have shelf upon shelf of books, and countless magazines devoted to how to juggle conflicting female roles in the modern world. On TV, there’s Oprah, Ellen, and Dr. Phil. Most guys wouldn’t be caught dead watching that stuff, but for many women the magazines, books and TV shows provide a forum to talk through the practical implications of the feminist revolution.
Before I go further, let me say this: I was raised by a mother who burned her bra and who instilled in me the importance of female equality. Nothing I’m about to say is meant to undercut the need for feminism. Women, on average, still do not make as much money as men. Sexual exploitation in the form of pornography and prostitution is a serious problem, and it’s only getting worse. Men control the top spots in politics, corporate America, and entertainment. Much more still needs to be done to rectify these inequalities. But gender politics is not a zero-sum game.
Women have just as much incentive to help guys to figure out the new rules of manhood as men have in supporting women in their quest to overcome the obstacles of overt sexual discrimination.
Many men are in crisis. Most guys I talk to quietly acknowledge that they’re struggling to “do it all.” Sound familiar? That’s what women have faced all along: how to have a career while also being a mom and wife. Well, we want to be more involved as fathers and husbands. But no one has set the workplace bar any lower, so that men have the time they need at home with the family.
Seventy percent of the jobs lost during the most recent recession were held by men. The vast majority of those fighting our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are men. Generations of boys are growing up without fathers. Boys are falling behind girls in school. Male incarceration and recidivism rates are higher than ever. Divorce laws in many states are grossly unfair to decent, loving dads who want to play a role in their children’s lives.
In spite of this, the media are still consumed with the old feminist battle cry, to the exclusion of the predicament of boys and men. Maybe guys need to complain more publicly about how hard it is to be a good father and husband, and still bring home the bacon. Maybe we should have our own cable network—not for ultimate fighting or pornography, but for guys to talk about trying to do it all while the wife, kids, and boss expect more than ever.
It’s up to us guys to speak out. Certain stereotypical behaviors are killing us: we don’t like to talk much and when we do, we compartmentalize. Maybe it’s some deeply embedded instinct to leave home and go hunt gone awry. But today’s caveman isn’t faring so well. It’s time to learn how to be the same guy at home as we are at work, to integrate the multiple challenges of male life, and to speak to each other candidly about ourselves, rather than suffering silently.
The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table. Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be all those things at the same time. Women have been doing for fifty years. Now it’s our turn.
♦ ♦ ♦
Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
Love this, Tom! 🙂
Wellokaythen. Can you think of a movement to protect men from violence that isn’t unilateral pacifism? To be metaphorical about it, if the lion can lie down with the lamb, guaranteed to work, there wouldn’t be any difficulty about me being the lion, right? Guaranteed to work and all, right? No, I didn’t think so. If unilateral disarmanent were guaranteed to work, you’d have all kinds of folks suggesting the Sovs go first, back in the day. I was looking around back then for such things. Asking around. Nope. Actually, if the very thought of messing with the US had… Read more »
I like the zeitgeist of this article, Tom — now if only we could the practical application! Because despite all the pretty words, we’re still back to the hard reality that to do ANY of the things you mentioned would require men putting their privates next to the band-saw and hoping that nobody decides to push them onto the blade. Can we as men complain without instantly being discredited? Is there a way for that to actually happen in a way where change will directly follow? Can we get a mainstream societal focus on male issues, from prison rape to… Read more »
I don’t fully agree with everything in this piece, but even the parts I want to nitpick are pretty minor parts of the larger whole. I’d say this is a very good summary of many of the biggest issues men face as men. This is a pretty good manifesto, or at least a good set of talking points we can sink our teeth into. I have found myself thinking the same thing about all the advice books for women out there and so few for men. Many of the ones for women are no doubt totally bogus and shamelessly opportunistic,… Read more »
I’m going to quote Tony Porter here: “My liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.” We’re all in this together. It should not be us vs. them. And continuing to argue that point is futile–it does nothing to move us ahead. That doesn’t mean we can’t discuss our differences, but we shouldn’t use them to undermine each other. Perhaps this is a naive way of thinking and completely unrealistic (it sure seems like it is), but I will continue to believe it.
Micheleyulo, That is indeed a great way to look at it. The problem is that now there seems to be no return on that investment. The return sentiment that: “My liberation as a woman is tied to your liberation as a man.” is nowhere to be found. Men are roughly 9 to 1 over women the victims of homelessness, suicide, violent crimes, murder, incarceration, on-the-job deaths. Men live 7 years less, men are 38% of college grads, fathers get sole physical custody 6% to mothers 80%. And yet despite men being much more the victims of violence we have a… Read more »
And you have just illustrated my point. We can certainly all go on and on citing stats which seems to be a big part of how the comments are made. Change starts with us as individuals. All you have done is put me on the defensive to now go and come up with stats on women. Sorry, not going to partake in your game. As I said, you can call me naive if you like, but the fact is, it gets us nowhere. And I am only too HAPPY to say, “My liberation as a woman starts with your liberation… Read more »
Then let’s take a moment to strip out the stats in John D’s comment. That is indeed a great way to look at it. The problem is that now there seems to be no return on that investment. The return sentiment that: “My liberation as a woman is tied to your liberation as a man.” is nowhere to be found. We’re waiting for a return on our investment of 40 years of centering on women’s issues and waiting for the return sentiment that: “My liberation as a woman is tied to your liberation as a man.” and based on the… Read more »
Sorry, I don’t care about your liberation, as women’s liberation has been all about stifling and limiting men, not liberating them. When women start voting for joint custody legislation and the end of special treatment for women over men, then I’ll believe your statement.
Until then, my liberation as a man has nothing to do with you as a woman. Nothing whatsoever.
In response to John D: Thinking historically: The movements to reduce violence against men have stalled, but they’ve actually existed for a long time in movements that are now unfortunately in disrepute: antiwar movements and radical labor movements. Many of them have tried to reduce the number of men killed in war and killed on the job, but no one really thinks of those groups that way. Or, another way to put it, the people who have tried to protect men as men have in the past been branded as peaceniks, commies, pinkos, etc. And now they are also branded… Read more »
Why in gods name do people who write articles about ‘equality’ put statement like this in “Women, on average, still do not make as much money as men.” This of course was a sly attempt to put in the “Gender Wage Gap” without calling it that. Of course anyone who can read or has read about the “Gender Wage Gap” realizes that for the most part is it bunk, pure and utter bunk. Of course women on average make less than men, because they also work on average less than men. They also make countless life choices, field of work… Read more »
“Every time I approach major corporations about talking to their employees about what it means to be a good man, they steer me toward their executive women’s group—who, they insist, would be delighted to talk about manhood. ” It is the harsh reality that manhood has been separated from the man himself. Manhood has become a product which is produced by men for the consumers, i.e. women. Therefore, if you want to develop new version of the product (manhood) your certainly have to interview the consumer focus group (executive women’s group). The members of these focus groups would certainly tell… Read more »
Good piece Tom. But PLEASE can you stop using the word ‘macho’ as a positive? it’s not! Machismo is the enemy of ‘good’ gender relations!
Well that just sums it up, really.
“The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband.” Why didn’t you just write ‘man-up’ in the most shrill shaming tone you’re capable of? The most foolish thing in the world is for a man in a westernized society to marry a woman. Tens of millions of American men were faithful husbands and they got burned badly in Divorce Court. In life, there is a fine line between being brave or hard core, and then being stupid. MRAs are often the ones who practice what JFK called the rarity of moral… Read more »
” Tens of millions of American men were faithful husbands and they got burned badly in Divorce Court. In life, there is a fine line between being brave or hard core, and then being stupid.” In my opinion, a good man does the right thing in being faithful even if others around him don’t, including his own wife. Hopefully, she will come to appreciate that his good behavior is not contingent on what she does. He is his own person, with core principles that transcend what others do, including her. He never quits in trying to do the right thing,… Read more »
Through our choices of what we think and do, we evolve or devolve, as Pico so eloquently phrased it: either “to be reborn into the highest divine forms” or “to degenerate into the lower forms of life which are brutish.” At present most of humankind is regressing and devolving.
The majority of humans at present are not developing the intellectual and moral characteristics that make a person genuinely human: rationality, understanding, self-awareness, and altruism.
http://www.hermes-press.com/moral_evolution.htm
It’s a funny thing about men. We don’t like to complain. What’s funny to me is that despite the truth of what you say here all I ever hear (from mostly women mind you) is that men just complain, complain, complain like a bunch of babies. In fact, some would say that we don’t really know how to talk about anything other than a box score or stock table. Women have shelf upon shelf of books, and countless magazines devoted to how to juggle conflicting female roles in the modern world. On TV, there’s Oprah, Ellen, and Dr. Phil. Most… Read more »
Interesting article, Tom…I agree that men are in crisis…in fact, tonight I have taken in my friend’s family after her husband blew up at his 11 yo son (presumably about some B’s and C’s on his report card, but I think it has more to do with pressures from work and how his own dad used to blow up on him when he was a kid)….We are all shocked at his violence…and how he attacked his own son at the dinner table….and I am stunned at how a man could even have that kind of physical vocabulary to use on… Read more »
Leia: two things. Firstly, the evidence that shows those raised in abusive enviroments who tend to become abusers themselves I don’t believe ever said it had to mimic genderlines. In other words, a son raised in a home where the mother abuses the father, can grow up to become abusive. And a daughter who is raised watching a father abuse the mother can grow up to become abusive. In fact, I have seen the last instance myself in my sisters family. My sister is married to an emotionally abusive compulsive gambler. The abusive nature seems to have passed over my… Read more »
The last sentence of the third to last paragraph should have read:
“Thanks to lack of shelter access, and mandatory arrests paired with primary aggressor laws (which are designed for PD’s by feminist IPV advocates state that if more than 5% of DV arrests are women, then the PD and officers should be investigated for systemic anti-female *BIAS*) in most states, help for male victims of DV is almost nonexistent.”
I typed violence, but meant bias.
“The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table. Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be all those things at the same time. Women have been doing for fifty years. Now it’s our turn.” I don’t understand why this is such an issue. My father always did all of those things and more. It’s not really that big of a deal. It’s part of the beauty and struggle of life. I am living that… Read more »
Eric couldn’t agree more.
Trackback Link…
[…]Here are some of the sites we recommend for our visitors[…]…
Feminism is anti-male. The only things feminists are interested in discussing related to males is how much they victimize women and girls. Per feminism, any imagined male problems are simply the just deserts for their trillions of years of oppression of females.
True. I mean about feminism being misandrist.
I’m more comfortable with the concept of a basically honorable man. I think some of the reprogramming cited above can never work for biological reasons– pretty simple. In spite of what people say here, and I really like GMP by the way, women in the long run will respond to fairly strong men (even if they [the women] are nominally feminists.) I’ve occupied some stereotypical female roles in my life. I have a PhD now, but I worked for 15 years as a vocational nurse on psych wards while putting myself through school. I was the primary or day parent… Read more »
Tom, Please read Steve Moxon’s The Woman Racket before you try to talk ‘partnership’ to men. Partnership depends on respect, reason, and balanced responses. I’ll tend to believe in SEXUAL equality as soon as is see 50 female soldiers shipped home in boxes for every 50 male soldiers (rather than 2 for 98 now). Ironically men secure the freedoms that feminists now abuse to destroy boys as boys, demean men as men and ridicule masculinity. Feminists also trash other feminists (liberal and conservative) who dare to challenge the Party Line. When fainthearted men become to ‘good’ to defend fundamental male… Read more »
CMA,
Well said. Women have not so much been given equal rights as they have been granted special class privileges.
“Maybe guys need to complain more publicly about how hard it is to be a good father and husband, and still bring home the bacon. Maybe we should have our own cable network—not for ultimate fighting or pornography, but for guys to talk about trying to do it all while the wife, kids, and boss expect more than ever…The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table. Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be… Read more »
Roger, Women have a vested interested in what is pejoratively known as “patriarchal” masculinity. Rather than babbling about new feminisms we need to be talking about new masculinities that is gender standards that serve us rather than the babes who need us to be big bad superheroes for feminine security. Joel Salatin one of our best natural farmers nails the whole thing in this YouTube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHOYn6RjCLY Notice how one must be very masculine to strong enough to be feminine…and the reverse is also true for women. “Good” guys who have never really done the masculine work will never be… Read more »
When men complain they are described as whinging, weak, unattractive or hating women. One of our first steps needs to be the abandonment of the socially acceptable desire to please women and to speak the truth regardless of whether it makes feminists and women unhappy. For example, the behaviour exhibited by married men, where they will accept matters and remain silent just for peace in the family unit, is destructive. Women do not have a corner on wisdom, they have no secret access to knowledge that is unavailable to men. If men want to improve the current situation vis a… Read more »
Why do you hate women so much? (sarcasm!)
Yes to all this. I’m not sure where you’ll take this, but I like what it says so far.
“Recently I’ve personally been under the belief that too many men try to wrap themselves in this macho, aggressive manifestation of masculinity that is not only counter-productive for society but dangerous for people in general” Oh yes, we need to implement some sort of feminization project and perhaps chemical castration. The feminists have a lot of funding behind breaking down men but we MUST DO MORE.. Here is what Men For Change and the conglomerate has to say: There’s a male relational paradox that happens at age 2, 3, 4, 5. After a few years of experiencing growth and connection,… Read more »
” I am for better or worse a stay at home Dad I do the majority of kid’s work- driving, chauffering, nurse maid, homework, staying home for the summer, cooking dinner etc while my wife works full time. It is unbelievably fulfilling and degrading at the same time.” Yes the transition to women as breadwinner will be tough but we must reverse gender roles in the globalized economy. Read “The End Of Men” article in The Atlantic magazine. In the future it is women who will work and men who stay home as this will be the most economically viable… Read more »
I think this joke, but not sure…..sarcasm….is…to…thick
Men are finally learning what women have been afraid to say in public: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5OdQGbVNa4
A few responses to ‘Peter’: gdgm+ says: June 12, 2010 at 1:07 pm “There was an earlier poster here who asked, “How did we so marginalize women that they had to take such an extreme stance?” Are you KIDDING me?!? Many would say that the *opposite* of “marginalizing women” has occurred in the last 40 years…” The earlier poster MAY have been referring to the thousands of years prior to the last 40 years. Ummm, that’s not proven, certainly not in *this* thread. Brian says: June 12, 2010 at 3:04 pm “Now it is time for war.” Yes, that seems… Read more »
Okay, I guess it does make me look a bit schizophrenic when I appear to be quoting someone whose posts no longer appear on this thread.
Brian and I are definitely NOT the same person, nor does it seem that we even live in the same country (unless one believes that the United States of America encompasses the entire globe). What Warren Farrell has documented is, in my opinion, suspect, as he lays out his “facts” in too simplistic a manner. The “truth” behind the gender wage gap, for example, is more complex than his simple assertions. For instance, the capitalist corporate structure was designed with men and “traditional” men’s work, combined with cheap domestic labour (i.e., stay-at-home-to-take-care-of-the-workhorse-and-the-house-and-the-children wives), in mind. It was NOT designed with… Read more »
Wow, this is an interesting discussion. It started out sort of civilized and now it’s turned into a testosterone-fuelled war. Clearly, there is a lot of suppressed emotion rising to the surface here. I think that is a good thing. I really enjoyed your article, Tom, and agree with most of it. But there’s a lot of disagreement with you as this thread moves on and most of it is because on this paragraph here: “Nothing I’m about to say is meant to undercut the need for feminism. Women, on average, still do not make as much money as men.… Read more »
Don’t you get the feeling Brian and Peter are the same guy, typing away in his mother’s basement and railing against marriage and women not out of some effort to be noble or address a societal ill, but because there isn’t a woman in her right mind who would agree to a date with such a clearly warped “man?”
Take your meds and go away.
I’m all for dissenting viewpoints and constructive disagreements, but you’re a rambling psychopathic moron who brings nothing to the table. Be gone.