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In my experience, most men are essentially ‘good’, even though our potential goodness can get distorted into ‘bad’ behaviours, for all kinds of reasons. And most of us can be trained or nudged into behaving well.
Many, if not most, men have a strong urge to nurture and care for others, and want more than anything else to see people happy and achieving their potential. But some others behave like predators, who seem driven to exploit others and the planet, and to profit from that as much as they can while seemingly being indifferent to any loss or pain that this causes.
Whether it’s because of an inherited ‘nature’, or because of social conditioning, more males seem to fit this selfish model, and more females to a more caring type of behaviour – although there’s plenty of evidence that both genders are equally capable of being ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
There’s no point in being upset or disappointed about this, any more than there would be about the existence of anything in nature that we wish was different. But to stay safe, we have to learn which animals, and which people, are dangerous and how to avoid them; or to survive if we do have any accidental encounters. This process is tricky with humans, because we don’t display any of the warning signs which tend to mark out danger in the natural world. And we’re also good at disguising our true intentions, even to ourselves.
A lot of research has been done trying to understand why some men behave in ways that are damaging to themselves and others. Two key reasons have emerged: one is that around one percent of the population are born as psychopaths who are neurologically incapable of feeling empathy, and are quite happy to manipulate and harm others for their own benefit or amusement. Most of these are men – women who have similar traits tend to express them less violently. What they all have in common is a brain that is wired differently, so they can never be ‘cured’, only managed and controlled, and if possible, avoided.
The other reason is the extent to which the first three years of life shape how we grow and develop as individuals. It seems that the basic functioning of our emotional brain is more or less determined in the first 2 years of life, and men who were not adequately nurtured at that tender age can develop a fear and resentment of women – as their need to be loved becomes intertwined with a fear of rejection. The need to prove themselves as being ‘separate-and-different’ from their mother results in them identifying with macho maleness – especially if there wasn’t a nurturing father figure in their lives. And if our early years were damaging and insecure rather than nurturing and supportive, the ruthless ‘reptile mind’ which is in us all gains dominance rather than being conditioned to be more kind and cooperative, leading to serious difficulties with caring and empathy later in life. In men, these difficulties are more likely to express themselves in violence and aggression.
One thing seems sure; male aggression may have enabled us to survive as a species and brought us to a place where our basic needs could in theory at least, all be met by technology, but our future survival now depends on us adopting a much more ‘feminine’ approach of mutual caring and collaboration between ourselves and with the planet.
Those of us who are innate nurturers need to defend ourselves and others against predators – without losing our souls or turning into the kind of people we’re defending ourselves against. Most importantly, to help create a safer and more cooperative future, we must try to make sure that all children – and especially male children – are raised in safe and loving environments.
There is no job any man can do which is more important to the future survival and happiness of our species than being a good father to his son(s) if he has them. This is why paying attention to our parenting is so very important, and not just something that we should try to fit in the gaps between our other commitments. If all of us can treat our male children with love, patience and kindness, over time more of them will grow up to become men will with the instinct to be kind to each other and to the planet, so that our species has the best chance of living in greater peace and happiness — at least until the robots take over!
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Steve, Your bio indicates a wisdom growing through your being. Using what we are is necessary to becoming who we choose to be. Your tacit inclusion of mindful living, where mindfulness is compassion is subtly powerful. Thanks for your insights and encouragement.