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I hate home improvement. I just want to throw that out there. I grew up in a family of manual laborers, people who work their hands to the bone from 9 to 5 and live for the weekend, only to drink so much during said weekend that it passes them by in a blur. That lifestyle was never for me, so I adopted the alcoholic aspect of it and pretty much ignored everything else.
The lack of manual labor and the fact that my friends are writers, artists and game developers as opposed to plumbers, carpenters, and electricians, means all aspects of home maintenance have eluded me throughout my life. I can’t even approach a leaky faucet without breaking out in a sweat. In the past, it hasn’t been a problem. I rented, so I was always one phone call away from a very frustrated landlord who did everything in my house except for killing spiders (I left that to my girlfriend). But a year ago I bought my own house and have been forced into the world of do-it-yourself with great reluctance.
So rather than rolling up my sleeves and preparing to get dirty every time an issue arises, I Google a few shortcuts and prepare to half-ass it as best as possible. This is what I have learned.
Mold will Destroy You
I live in a cold climate. It basically rains 365 days a year. On the rare occasions when the sun does shine, everyone in the area drops everything they’re doing, strips naked and rushes outside to absorb as much Vitamin D as they can before the sun inevitably disappears before the ever-present clouds.
All of this means that mold is a huge problem. That has been the case in every home I’ve been in. In the past, I didn’t own them so I pretty much just let the mold move in and take up residence. These days, I’m a little more conscientious.
1. Keep Everything Dry: I once rented a very old house that had a massive problem with damp, most of which was caused by condensation that clung to the windows. Every morning in the winter the huge panes of glass would be covered in water and it led to massive damp issues. I didn’t keep them dry because I didn’t know what I was doing, but if I had done then it would have stopped the issue.
2. Clean: You’re not going to get rid of mold by cleaning it because it will just grow back. But you can certainly reduce the impact and remove the problem before it gets out of hand, which is especially important if you have an issue with black mold. Use bleach and other chemical cleaners along with a little elbow grease and you’ll be good. You can find out how to identify black mold and other serious molds here.
3. Ventilate: The old house mentioned above had poor ventilation. The moisture was basically my and my partner’s cold breath clinging to the windows. This was fixed with a dehumidifier. In the summer we just opened the window, but for the other 364 days a year we used a dehumidifier.
4. Don’t Delay: Finally, if it’s getting out of hand and the fixes above are not working, get a specialist in. It’ll cost you more in the long run if you don’t. Not only can mold cause serious health issues, but it can also leave you severely out of pocket. You can get insured, you can pay for vents, you can refit your walls.
Smoke and Carbon Monoxide Detectors
I may not be great at home maintenance, but if I do anything well it’s worry about everything. These days I’m mostly worrying about fire and carbon monoxide poisoning. Not because I know anyone who has died from carbon monoxide poisoning or home fires, but because I saw it on TV once and it terrified me.
It is a very serious issue though. According to this page on the CDC website more than 400 Americans die from carbon monoxide poisoning every year, and if that’s not enough to scare you into action then this page from FEMA will, as it shows that more than 3,000 people die from house fires.
So, get yourself a smoke alarm and a carbon monoxide detector. It’ll cost you 60 bucks and could save your life. It’s also a very good incentive to make sure you only get a professional to fix your boiler and other gas appliances, to make sure you avoid counterfeit electronics and to avoid leaving units active while you sleep because these are all major contributors to house fires in North America.
Pave Your Garden
I’ve seen enough sitcoms to know that Americans have a close relationship with their lawns. They are out there every week cutting, trimming and pruning. And when the sun is shining, this is probably a fun thing to do. But here in the ice cold abyss of Northern England, the sun never shines and every time I try to mow the lawn I feel like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, the wind in my face, the determination in my eyes and a tall, strong army of resilient blades of grass ahead of me.
My rented homes had well-kept gardens when I moved in and unexplored forests by the time I left. Every time I opened my back door I half expected to bump into a lost tribe who would revere me as a God (the only reason I actually opened my door).
When I bought my own home, I immediately paved it all. It was far from a cheap fix to begin with, but it’ll save me a fortune in the long term. I don’t need a lawn mower. I don’t need to worry about cutting or pruning. There will never be an issue with weeds and for that 1 day a year when the sun is shining, I can enjoy it without losing myself in the tall grass like I’m in Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
Seriously, if you hate gardening as much as I do, then just get rid of it all. Throw some paving stones down. Get some gravel. Whatever, just get rid of the grass before it becomes malevolent and takes over.
YouTube is Your Friend
As useless as I am with DIY, I know how to browse Youtube and follow instructions and that’s pretty much all you need. I’ve learned a lot from Youtube. I used it to build my own guitar from scratch (and to my surprise, it actually worked) and I’ve used it to fix leaky sinks and showers. There are tutorials for everything on there, no matter how niche your concern is.
Not only can you find how-to guides for every problem, but there are ones that relate to every product. Youtube is like the perfect solution to DIY, as well as boredom.
Invite Guests
Finally, make sure you invite plenty of guests around and your house will never be cleaner. Seriously. It might have something to do with my partner, who doesn’t want to be seen to own a house with even a speck of dust or a cushion out of place, but every time we have guests coming over a female-shaped cleaning tornado sweeps through my house and leaves complete cleanliness in its wake.
The tornado also shows up if I’ve been left alone for a few weeks and have been basically living in my own filth, but I find that inviting guests around works better.
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