Dear Provider of Money:
This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you what position I’m applying for and make it sound like I’m excited—but you already know what position I’m applying for from the subject line of my email, and I’m worried that if I sound too excited, you’ll think I’m too easy. And everyone rejects those they think are too easy.
Just ask creepy straight guys at bars.
I’ll begin, instead, by saying that I’m applying for this position not so much because I’m the perfect fit or because I’m eager to get back into the labor force (I’m neither)—but because we all need money to survive in a capitalist economy, and (sadly) I am not independently wealthy. I am also not particularly entrepreneurial and have no desire to work more than the minimal hours per week necessary to sustain a comfortable standard of living.
In short, I’m seeking happiness.
Moreover, I recognize what a job means in terms of status. I am sick of going to social gatherings and listening to people with jobs quibble about their jobs—while I suffer from quiet desperation (and quibble with the Department of Labor for cutting off my unemployment checks). Sometimes I just want to pretend like I have a job—a really good job where I have to wear a suit and tie, even on a hot day; waste away in traffic on the way to a spacious, over-air-conditioned office; jockey for power with my colleagues; argue with my pig-headed boss; sit through pointless meetings; take 30-minute working-lunch breaks; come home to a neglected wife and bratty kids; and, 30 years from now (when I reach retirement age), look in the mirror and feel like it was all worth it.
God, I can’t wait.
I hope that you will accept me among the many faceless candidates who are just like me but won’t admit it. But if you decide to go with someone else—who likely told you what you wanted to hear—can you at least cover for me if I decide to pretend I work there?
Guy Who Won’t Get Job
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