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I vividly remember sitting at the park when I was a young boy, crying about something that had upset me. My friends approached me… only to mercilessly tease me.
At a very young age, I (along with most men) learned that experiencing emotion is a sign of weakness.
But now, as adults, many men don’t have the skills to navigate their feelings. So when a man is struggling with depression or has developed an addiction — he often feels like he can’t ask for support or seek clinical help.
Instead, men tend to do one of two things in a difficult situation:
- Shut down
- Get angry
Imploding or exploding is not a healthy way to process our emotions. Instead, let’s look at how we can become aware of this internal battle that’s happening and respond differently.
The Consequences of Stifling Our Feelings
While as boys, it often worked in our favor to hide our feelings (we wouldn’t get bullied for crying if we didn’t cry), the opposite is true as adults.
In my book, Addicted to the Monkey Mind, I use the journey of a man named Kevin to explain how we can shift our relationship with our emotions. Let’s use Kevin to illustrate the ramifications of stifling your feelings:
Kevin receives news that his beloved uncle has unexpectedly passed away. His wife, Jamie, tries to comfort Kevin, but he gets up and walks out of the room. Kevin’s heart aches, but he can’t seem to let himself open up or cry.
Because of this, Jamie feels like Kevin doesn’t trust her enough to share his feelings; and a wedge starts to form in their relationship.
Relationship issues are a very real consequence of repressing your emotions, and many couples cite this as one of the top instigators of arguments.
Luckily, it’s fairly easy to begin retraining your response to your feelings.
Acknowledging Your Emotions
Emotions, at their most basic level, need to be felt to truly move on. When you hold judgments about your emotions, you’re not able to process them.
To help illustrate this, think of your emotions as a child. If a child seemed scared, would you simply ignore them? Lash out at them for being scared?
What if, instead, you gave space for the child to experience their emotion with no judgments attached? Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” you could ask, “I see that you’re scared. What’s that like?”
You’re giving the child’s fear your attention — the child feels seen, and their nervous system is being addressed.
Now turn that analogy inwards toward yourself. If you notice yourself feeling anxious or overwhelmed, slow down and take a breath. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Then attend to the feeling you’re experiencing.
Remind yourself that it’s not weak or bad to feel this. This is simply what you’re feeling right now.
Elation, sorrow, trepidation, aggravation — every emotion has a vital role in the human experience. When we let go of what we were taught as boys and welcome these feelings, we can lead a life full of more passion and connection than we may have thought possible.
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This content is brought to you by JF Benoist.
Photo: Shutterstock
