Instantly Increase Your Social Skills With These 5 Tips

I didn’t kiss a girl in high school.

Nor did I go to a football game or dance until senior year.

My social anxiety and general shy and introverted inclination drove me to spend my days and nights alone. Isolation was tolerable in high school, but not in college.

I moved away for freshman year and felt lonely because what little friends I had were in my hometown. My loneliness transformed into depression.

I knew I had to make a change. So during the second semester of school, I read books and watched videos about socializing, dating, and relationships.

I consumed content from sunrise to sundown. All I could think about was reading the self-help book I had in my backpack while I was sitting in class. I read it during my breaks between classes. And instead of studying for tests, I read more and ended my night with a video or two.

My determination to improve my social skills was at an all-time high. I went to the mall alone to talk to strangers, and I accepted any invite to a social gathering or party. As my skills improved, my grades didn’t. I flunked out of school.

I spent the next six months continuing to work on my social skills. I finally had my first kiss. And my friend group expanded.

When I went back to school, I was a new person. I was able to start conversations with any and everyone easily. I dated a classmate and lost my virginity that summer.

But I still felt like I had some room for improvement. So I got a job at Starbucks. I talked to every customer that walked through that door. It didn’t matter if they looked happy, sad, or rushed; I talked to them. And while I had numerous drinks that needed to be made, I continued to talk to people at the hand-off station.

Before I knew it, I was known as the most charismatic person at work, and amongst my friends, family, and intimate partners.

…

Disclaimer

But before I share with you some quick tips that will instantly increase your social results, I have to be honest with you:

They won’t work permanently.

Tips, tricks, and physical suggestions have a shelf life. They are good to use at the beginning of your journey. But like with training wheels, they have to be taken off and tossed to the side.

I spent years consuming content directly geared towards changes I needed to make on a technical level (like the ones I will share with you shortly). But what once was a blessing, soon became a hell.

I got results in the beginning when I changed my body language, eye contact, and vocal tonality. But eventually, I overanalyzed these characteristics to the point I felt trapped in my head and I felt more anxious than I did in high school.

“How’s my body?”

“I need to make good eye contact or they won’t like me?”

“Am I speaking loud enough?”

So again, what I’m about to share is great advice and it helped me and I’m still conscious of these factors. But if you want to see permanent results, you have to heal trauma and shame, and learn to become self-compassionate.

External fixes are like putting paper towels on a stained carpet; they cover the mess up, but the mess needs to be removed at some point.

More importantly, once you heal your inner self, it’ll manifest in the external — in your behaviors, aura, and personality.

We all come into this world naturally charismatic. Life events and outer influences cage this organic charm. Healing removes the blocks and frees your authentic charisma.

…

5 Changes to Instantly Increase Your Social Results

Humans are designed to read body language and body cues. 93% of all communication is nonverbal (Mehrabian and Wiener, 1967)

We subtly and unconsciously (or consciously depending on the person and their knowledge and level of awareness) infer characteristics about a person based on their body language.

Safe or unsafe?

Weak or powerful?

Insecure or confident?

Attractive or unattractive?

So what follows will be suggestions to improve the way people perceive you.

1.Calm Body

A calm, relaxed body suggests a person is comfortable with themselves and the environment they are in.

People like to be surrounded by others that are calm, cool, and collected because energy is transmittable. In other words, what you feel, they feel.

Also, the body and mind are connected. A tense body is a tense mind (vice versa). Tension alters other important nonverbal behaviors like eye contact and vocal tonality. It also decreases your expressiveness and confidence.

Become aware of your body. Ask yourself frequently, “how am I feeling”, and, “where am I feeling this in my body?”

For example, when I get anxious, my jaw tenses. When I notice this tension, I breathe and relax my jaw muscles.

With practice, you’ll quickly be able to bring yourself back to a centered, calm frame which will increase how confident you appear. And whatever thoughts, assumptions, or fears that were triggering your anxiety will be released.

Calming your body is the most important suggestion because It’ll positively affect the way you feel about yourself which will manifest in your expressions, permanently.

2.Eye Contact

Weak eye contact suggests we’re uncomfortable being seen; that we’re shameful about some aspect of ourselves that we feel the urge to hide.

Hiding creates distrust because one might ask “what are they attempting to hide?”

Strong eye contact suggests the opposite. People will assume you’re comfortable enough with yourself to be seen. Quality eye contact screams to others “I’m here, in the now. I’m not stuck in my head and I don’t have an ulterior motive. You can trust me.”

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Also, people love to feel seen.

I’ve read about the “triangle gaze” and many other “forms” of eye contact. It’s difficult to focus on both eyes at once. So naturally, you’ll trend towards one and then the other. Occasionally you’ll look at the mouth because the person is talking, right?

“How long should I hold eye contact for?”

As a beginner, hold eye contact past the point of discomfort because momentary eye contact is a struggle currently. Or, hold eye contact until the other person looks away. The latter is a great practice because it forces you to deal with the tension, anxiety, and fear of being seen.

3.Vocal Tonality

Too many people focus on the words that are being said. But as you know, 93% of all communication is nonverbal. Vocal tonality is a nonverbal form of communication.

Vocal tonality is the volume, tone, rhythm, and cadence of your speech.

A joke told with poor tonality will be received with less laughter than one with rich tonality.

My uncle is one of the most charismatic people I know. His temperament is always relaxed and chilled. He never raises his voice. The words he uses are generic and boring. And his jokes always have the room dying.

At Christmas, many years ago, my grandma got my uncle a towel he could wear while playing golf. You could tell the whole room thought the gift was a flop and a horrible present. It looked like an item you’d purchase from one of those infomercials with horrible actors.

My brother and I were sitting next to him while he was examining the gift. In a low, sarcastic voice, he whispered so only my brother and I could hear, “well, I’ll definitely have a leg up on the competition,” while continuing to stare at the gift with a subtle smirk on his face.

My brother and I were laughing so hard that our whole family stopped opening presents to ask what was so funny.

As you can see, the words my uncle chose weren’t original. But the way he said them made them hilarious.

If people normally ask you to repeat what you said, speak louder.

If you feel hurried and speak quickly, slow down.

Tweak the volume, speed, and emphasis of particular words in a single sentence or sentences in a story.

4.Humor

People are drawn to humor and laughter because it snaps them out of their own tension, anxiety, and reminds them to have a little fun in life.

But one mistake I see many make is being “try-hard.”

A try-hard often isn’t funny because others sense their desperation for approval. Approval-seeking behavior sub communicates a lack of certainty and confidence.

I’ve also seen funny try-hards. They’re the ones who make people laugh a couple of times and continue to make jokes because they believe their value is dependent on making others laugh. This also sub communicates low confidence.

The perfect balance doesn’t exist and is dependent on the person or situation. Luckily, I was never the try-hard because I was too shy to garner attention. So I needed to put myself out there more, make jokes, and take note of my results.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

So again, there isn’t a perfect balance. If you’re a try-hard, joke less. Or, better yet, release the belief your value is dependent on making others laugh.

If you’re more shy and quiet (like myself), try harder.

Use your intuition to determine when it is appropriate to not tell a joke, make a remark, or when it is appropriate to tell many in a row.

But if your humor is lack-luster, to begin with, I have a suggestion:

Make a comment, remark, or joke out of anything that happens in your external reality.

This is called improv humor. I didn’t know that until I read an article about it. But I created this practice because I noticed the people that were funniest around me were able to make jokes on the fly about anything that happened in their external reality.

Someone drops a pencil on the ground.

“What’s something funny I could say about that?”

Your friend or date mispronounces a word.

“What’s something funny I could say about that?”

Your coworker makes a mistake.

“What’s something funny I could say about that?

What’s beautiful about this exercise or practice is it helps you discover your authentic humor. Memorizing other’s jokes or words doesn’t improve your humor, permanently.

5.Conversation Road Map

“What should I say?” is amidst the top of the list regarding social situations. And the fear of running out of things to say and experiencing “awkward silence” is a major concern for most when socializing.

Every statement, comment, or story made by a person is information or an opportunity to add or steer the conversation.

Let’s say I ask you what you do for work and you say “ I’m a doctor.”

There are many responses for me to further the conversation other than “cool.”

I could ask “how long did it take you to finish schooling? I heard, altogether, it takes twelve years.”

Or, “oh that’s cool. Two of my roommates are nurses.”

Or, “how has Covid affected your practice?”

My questions ping-pong the conversation back to you and you have the option to either (1) make a comment or (2) ask a question.

I ask you what your major is and you say “psychology.”

“Same! I picked psychology because it’s the only class I got an A in.”

“Same! What do you want to do?”

“I knew it. I had a feeling you were going to say that because you don’t seem too crazy.”

You can always make an authentic comment or ask a genuine question regardless of what is said.

…

The Purpose of Socializing

It took years before I understood the purpose of socializing. But once I did, the above suggestions occurred naturally and I didn’t fear it or overanalyze it as much.

opportunityPeople socialize to have fun. To let their hair down and decompress. Socializing is an escape and an opportunity to connect with others — a biological necessity to our survival.

Understanding the goal of others when at a bar, club, party, or restaurant, will help you calibrate to their intention. Internal intention alters your external behaviors.

Viewing socializing as a vehicle towards fun, joy, and release will give you permission to act more confidently and feel less pressure.

Friendly reminder: These 5 tips will get you results, temporarily. If you want permanent results, you have to do some healing work.

I made a list of books that indirectly improved my social skills in this Google Doc. And throughout this article, I linked articles about healing trauma and shame, and the importance of self-compassion.

I don’t want you to struggle for years as I did. Good luck.

…

Dream Chasers is my email list for those who want to be inspired by words (and prevent Starbucks from stealing their money).

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***