Throughout my youth I believed that to be happy, I had to please others. I believed this to the point where I put others’ needs before mine, regardless of my relationship with them.
“Of course, I’ll work overtime at straight pay for 16 hours”
“Of course you can have my piece of chocolate cake!”, I didn’t want it anyways.
Oftentimes, people will test the waters to see how far they can push you. This is the time to stop it before you’ve set a precedent.
Just the other day my colleague, in a sneaky manner, tried a few times to push their work onto me. It was phrased naturally as though they would have expected nothing less.
If I allowed it the first time, I sensed ever after it would become my task.
My job is physical, and they wanted me to take over the ‘physical’ aspect of their job.
How did I handle that?
Well instead of saying no directly, I asked her if she wanted me to do this on top of my job. They didn’t know how to respond, stumbled over their words and I walked away.
This was the end of the conversation, without much confrontation.
Was this the right way to handle the situation? I’m not sure but let’s find out.
Psychology Today suggests the sandwich method when declining a request asked of you.
We could start with a compliment of sorts or acknowledgment of how hard they work. Follow that with an ‘unfortunately you can’t assist them because…’ then follow up with a kind word or apology.
This wouldn’t have worked in my situation due to the nature of the individual’s personality. However, I can see how it could be a successful method of reaffirming your stance.
The sandwich method would work perfectly when declining an invitation.
Begin with how fortunate you feel to have been invited, follow up with an ‘unfortunately I can’t because…’ and close with how much fun it sounds.
Leslie Jamison wrote an article in The New York Times about how she learned the art of saying no from her stepfather. He reminded her that her boss was within their right to ask the favour but she was also in her right to decline.
This is an interesting perspective I hadn’t considered before, and it could certainly minimize the animosity she felt toward her boss.
The author then acknowledged how the question was not a ‘violation’, and it was her responsibility to draw boundaries.
Why do we have difficulty saying no?
- Imposter Syndrome is one reason suggested in BetterUp. If we feel inadequate in our jobs, we feel less confident in saying no.
- We are often raised to be polite and declining anything would be considered rude.
- It’s our human nature to want to help others, and if we don’t we feel guilty.
How to get rid of the guilt
I was about to say that this is one area I don’t have a problem with, but that would be a lie. I do feel guilty when I say no, but only with family and friends, never at work, darned… maybe I’m lying again?
An article in The Tiny Buddha lists a few ways to say no without the guilt.
One way that interests me is to practice saying no without feeling the need to justify yourself or be overly apologetic.
This tells us subconsciously that we NEED to justify why we declined, and we should feel bad about it.
In reality, as mentioned above, we have the right to say no and to form boundaries.
We need to look after ourselves first. We have limitations, and we are not superhumans.
The article also suggests to give yourself time to respond. Don’t automatically say yes. Ask if you can get back to them shortly; give yourself time to weigh the pros and cons.
You may realize, and I know I have, at the last minute that you had a prior commitment you almost forgot about or that you have a deadline to meet.
Giving yourself time will allow you to think clearly.
Harvard Business Review suggests that when you need to say no at work, you should first assess your situation and be honest with your colleague. Perhaps tell them you have too much on your plate, but brainstorm together to see if there is a way you can manage to help.
They suggest being firm but polite when responding.
Offering an alternative solution that could assist them is also a positive method.
In summary
- The sandwich method is a helpful tool
- Practice saying no
- Being asked a favour isn’t a ‘violation’ but you have the right to set your boundaries
- Don’t over-justify or be overly apologetic
- We are not superhuman
- Give yourself time to respond
- Assess your situation and invite your colleague to help with deciding if you can assist without jeopardizing other work
- Be firm but polite
- Offer up an alternative solution
We’re all doing our best each day whether at home or work. We have the right to say no, and oftentimes we forget to put ourselves and our wellbeing first.
Practice these steps and remember you’re not a villain for saying no.
According to this research into the art of saying no, I could have handled the situation with my colleague better.
Perhaps next time I would politely decline explaining that I have too much on my plate. Then I would follow up with a recognition of how busy they must be as well.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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