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Any woman wanting to connect more deeply with her man – so he’ll want to make love with her and not just ‘have sex’ – needs to understand the hidden vulnerability which may well be lurking under his mask of confidence. Along with his fear of failure, of falling short in some way, and of not being the man he thinks he ‘should’ be whatever his own inner reality tells him. Then she’ll know how to offer him the reassurance he needs to risk opening up with her from his deepest, most tender place – his inner Garden of Eden that according to the Christian mythology he was banished from for being ‘tempted’ by the snake of lust – and the woman who embodied it – into the ‘sin’ of expressing his sensual nature.
This may feel counterintuitive for many women if they are used to being on the defensive with men; and assume that men are usually ‘the problem’ in any relationship and we just need to get ourselves sorted out and do the right thing, and then all will be well between the genders. But it’s more helpful for women to realise that all men are partly still hurt and insecure boys who are on the defensive against everyone – especially women – because at heart most of us don’t feel sure that we are ‘man enough’.
When a man cut off from the sensuality which is a deep and central part of himself, he lives in an inner wilderness; secretly hoping to meet his Eve again, but also resentful of her; because it seems that, although it was supposed to be ‘her fault’ that he was ejected from the Garden, she seems to be back in there. When he meets her, which he does in every woman he gets close to, he’s disappointed to find out that she can only help him visit Paradise for short periods before he feels excluded again – although she keeps trying to tell him that they can live in a shared heaven again if he reconnects with the emotional side of himself.
Our Inner Eden is where tears, as well as laughter, love and making love, all come from; a place of feelings and authenticity that few men dare to enter. Because we’ve been told from an early age that a ‘real’ man must stay away, because it’s a place of vulnerability and tenderness that may be seen as weakness. But it’s only by daring to experience openness to being in touch with, and sharing, the whole range of his feelings (not just the ones that an inner censor says are ‘acceptable’), that a man can begin to tune in to a woman’s heart and her need to trust and feel safe with him – a feeling that will increase the more she feels that has found his own inner ‘Garden’.
We men are always searching for the gate to happiness through our connection with a woman, and use whatever means we can to escape our cold isolation; sometimes attacking others out of anger from feeling excluded, or numbing ourselves to pain. We’re desperate to share our deep selves with a woman, but afraid of the power it gives our ‘Eve’ to reject or eject us a possibility that is more than we can stand, so we try to lure her to where we can feel in control, maybe tricking her with stories, or even trying to harm her as a kind of defense.
Some women know that there is a hidden key in most men’s hearts which will open the door to the accepting and celebrating their full selves – not just a narrow ‘man box’ concept of masculinity which can make us unbalanced and even dangerous to ourselves and those we love – instead of the protectors and inspirers that, at some level, we know we can be. And whether it’s ‘fair’ or not, it’s women who have the capacity to help men find that key. We may seem too locked up to be able to make this change, but most men are eager to be free of the ‘man box’…especially as we get older. With the right encouragement from the right woman, many of us are ready and able to re-enter Eden to meet our Eve again and reconcile with her and the serpent – this time eating and enjoying as many apples together as we want!
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