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I was recently fortunate to start dating a girl I like but I am not crazy about. A part of me wishes she was taller and more attractive. I sound shallow. I am just being honest.
Despite this, I believe there is a bigger issue. I am still in love with my crush. I was hoping moving on would help me forget about her. Even though I don’t talk to her or see her, I still think about her constantly.
Right now, I just want to date girls and not commit. I want to wait to commit to the right girl.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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I respect your honesty and self-reflection. You’re right. This isn’t about not being physically attracted to this woman you’re dating. It’s about the fact that your heart and mind are still with someone else. It’s ok and there is a fix.
I think what you’re asking me here is if it’s ok to date without making a commitment. The short answer to that is “yes”. As long as you’re honest with the people you’re dating about where you’re at, they get to choose whether or not they want to date you.
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Even though you think just dating other people is the answer, what you’re learning here is that it just isn’t working for you.
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What I think you really want to know, though, is how the heck do you get over a woman who you know you can’t be with. You called her a “crush” so I am not sure if that means it’s unrequited, if you were together and broke up, or something in the middle.
However, I will say that even though you think just dating other people is the answer, what you’re learning here is that it just isn’t working for you.
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My advice won’t work for everyone but here’s my take: I would stop trying to date right now. It clearly isn’t working for you and every time you do date, you’re only reminded of the person you wish you were dating, your feelings for her, and of the fact that you can’t be together.
That’s a painful reminder that you don’t need given that you are already thinking about her all the time, anyway.
Here’s what I would do: First, spend time on things and with people you do enjoy. Get together with friends and family. Get back to your interest, hobbies, and things you care about. Maybe start up something new instead of starting something up with someone new. Give yourself the time and space to mope about and be miserable.
It feels like this will last forever but it won’t always be this way.
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If she is, indeed, a crush that you haven’t been in a relationship with, how is that you came to love her?
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Try to shift your focus from her to you. Who are you these days? What do you care about? What interests you? What are your opinions about things? Get to know yourself. Who are you bringing to the table the next time you are ready to open yourself up on a date?
What are you looking for in your next relationship? What do you need?
Next, try to figure out what the deal is with this girl. Why does she have your heart so tightly gripped? What do you imagine is missing from your life without her in it? What does a relationship with her represent for you? What do you believe her to be able to offer that no one else can? If she is, indeed, a crush that you haven’t been in a relationship with, how is that you came to love her? How did she get into your heart?
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Spend some time trying to figure out why you’re so entranced.
If you’re in breakup hell or just bummed that a first date didn’t turn into a second, you get to be bummed and disappointed. Honor and respect that.
However, if you fell in love with someone you’re “just” crushing on, I’d consider that.
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The trick is to prepare yourself for some awesome love by finding small, safe ways to show up with and for people.
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Sometimes people are so afraid of the hurt and vulnerability that can come with love that they close themselves off and only seek out unavailable people. They can have the fun of a crush and be open with them because “nothing is ever going to happen anyway.” They connect with that person with less fear and thus are more honest. Then, that person connects back in some way and you start to feel more understood than you have ever felt before, leading to more intense feelings of love.
I may be way off here, only going off the word “crush”, but if this is you, the trick is to prepare yourself for some awesome love by finding small, safe ways to show up with and for people. Be yourself. Open up. Make eye contact. Be authentic. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
People will be attracted to that openness. You’ll make new friends and likely meet a new love.
You’re not ready. Get your ducks in a row and get ready, though. Your life is waiting.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
