A man asks Eli and Josie how to deal with the fact that his girlfriend has had one-night stands and too many partners in the past.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: I have feel very bad about my girlfriend’s past, I dont mind about the 2 boyfriends but I can’t understand the fact that she had a couple of one night stands, she’s had around 10 guys that she told me, and this bothers me a lot, I think it is very disgusting to have sex with someone that you don’t even know. We are from different countries, I’m from Brazil and she is from Denmark, so we are very different, I love her and know that she enjoy our sex, I just feel very disgusting about this, what should I do?
She Said: First, her sex life before the two of you committed to one another is not about you. It has nothing to do with you. Leave her alone about it.
I want to be compassionate toward you about this, because I can hear that you are feeling really bad about it. But it’s hard for me to do that because this seems really controlling. She is her own person, completely separate from you, and I hate the thought that you’re making her feel bad about sex she had before you were even in the picture. Sure you can ask her why she did it, you can try to figure out what was happening in her psychology when she chose to have some one-night stands, but why does it matter if she’s true to you and good to you now that she’s with you?
The only thing that matters is that you both honor your commitments to one another while you’re together. Get the rest out of your mind, or break up with her and move on. You aren’t doing anyone any good wishing her past were different than it is. Then she can find a truly accepting, loving guy and you can find a girl whose past is more to your liking.
He Said: Do you have a magic eraser by chance? If you do, you can erase your girlfriend’s past, along with her one night stands you don’t approve of. If you don’t have such an eraser, you’re going to just have to accept her for who she is NOW. If she’s a good girlfriend to you, isn’t that the most important thing?
If she’s loving, loyal, and committed to you, isn’t that all you can ask for? Everyone has a past. And most everyone has made decisions they’ve regretted, at some point (I’m not saying your girlfriend should regret her past decisions, but it sounds like you regret them for her). Who knows, if your girlfriend knew everything about your past, she might be disappointed by some of YOUR history. If you’re concerned about the amount of men she’s slept with, then that’s a different conversation, but one you certainly can have. And if you’re so disgusted with her past, practice safe sex (we here at She Said He Said advocate sex safe anyhow).
If you’re interested to know WHY your girlfriend made those decisions, it’s certainly your prerogative to discuss it with her. But if she’s good to you, and you love her, I would try to distract yourself from that part of her past, and focus on (current) issues you can actually fix today. And remember, nobody’s perfect!
Got a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!
Photo of counting on a blackboard courtesy of Shutterstock
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When a woman has this bonding experience with 10, 15, 20, 30, (70?) men, you better believe that her ability to bond with a particular man become severely impaired.
http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html
I think the thing that many women don’t seem to understand is that when a guy falls in love with and commits to a woman he holds her in very high regard in his mind. Many men view this woman as if she is a queen and treat her as such. To us if we are going to view you and treat you like a queen then we want to know the woman we are this emotionally invested in is deserving of our love and adoration. Its hard to feel that way about a woman who has shared her body… Read more »
Well said, Sean. You summed it up wonderfully. I think you also hit the nail on the head in terms of how most men view a woman with an abundant sexual past.
So this is my problem I’m going out with a girl who has many sex partners 16 to be precise. She lost her virginity to a guy she liked at 13 in her sleep she chased him for 2 years before he tells her that he never liked her never wanted her and rejected her. During this 2 years he had many girlfriends and after he rejected her she started looking for sex to piss him off to get revenge. He died at 16 17 and she blamed herself and this is when her problem started. She was actively looking… Read more »
Just by way of update; I broke up with her a few days following the last post. Though sad, I knew of no other way to resolve this. I also realized that although her past bothered me (and probably in and of itself wnough for her not to be the one), the fact that her present views were not very different was more problematic going forward. I think it is difficult to understand for women that for some men, this is a no-go and nothing you can do about it.
It seems like some people view this more as a political/philosophical issue rather than what I mean it as: I am a man who really likes a woman, wants to be with her but cannot get comfortable with her past — more specifically with her “casual sex”. I wish I did not feel this way but I do. I wish I could make it go away but I cannot. I wish I could just get over it but I am having a very hard time. I do not want to end this, but I see no clear solution: if I… Read more »
@Rick … you have every right to feel as you do. It’s who you are and no one should tell you you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. I can’t believe some of the responses making you look as though you’re not being fair. Who is anyone to say you’re right or wrong?
I commend you for your showing compassion for her and not wanting to hurt her but when all is said and done, this is your life and accordingly, you have the right to feel as you do.
She called me and came over and we spoke. I spoke about our differences in values, no set of beliefs better than the other, just different etc…reading this page helped me with word choice. I really did not want to hurt her. She insisted that her views had changed etc.. I know better from conversations and told her she should be true to herself just as I intended to be true to myself. I told her that I was sad to learn of our differences in perspectives on the matter and that it was a big deal for me; that… Read more »
I had a feeling that that might be where it was coming from – a place of insecurity. Somebody who enjoys casual sex, one night stands, or is ‘promiscuous’ is not necessarily going to let a stranger stick his penis in her just because you’re having relationship troubles. I was with my ex for nearly seven years. I have a very casual attitude toward sex (as long as all adults are consenting, I say go for it). I love one night stands. But I did not one time, no matter how bad things go, ‘let a stranger stick his penis… Read more »
Explain to me how the number of partners someone has is a moral value. I don’t think you understand what “morality” actually means. You’re saying that casual sex is a sign of bad character (and yet, you still fucked her even as you held her in low esteem). Why is having casual sex morally bad. What ethical precept is violated, what harm is done, in having had casual partners in the past? She’s not cheating on you, right? Has she said she believes it’s okay to cheat on you, or given you an indication that she’s willing to cheat on… Read more »
I can’t believe you went on to still have sex with her! (Actually, I can, typical “nice” guy)… you’re a bad person and a hypocrite. Bye!
I am in a similar position as the guy who wrote the letter. I am thinking of just letting go and moving on. I do not think it gets better. We all have preconceived notions of what we are looking for. My views are not better than or worse than others, they are simply mine and I do not want to be with a woman that believes sex is a sport. If she made mistakes in her past, that is one thing, but if she believes what she did was OK, then she does not have views similar to mine… Read more »
Seriously? “why is my viewpoint not OK for me to personally have, provided I do not externalize it to any women that may feel bad about it?” You just said women who enjoy consensual sex, as much consensual, non-committal sex that they want are sluts. That’s why your viewpoint is not okay. It’s okay to say “I do not wish to be with a woman who views sexual encounters differently than I do.” That’s fine. Nobody is going to bemoan you that. It’s good to be with people with similar values and belief systems. It makes relationships easier when we… Read more »
And a woman with a formed habit of promiscuity to me is the definition of a slut. I have many female friends who are promiscuous and I have no problem with that. Yeah, but I’d bet they’d have a problem with you if they knew you were calling them sluts. How noble of you to hide your disparaging opinions of them to protect them from feeling bad. I am certain others will disparage my own viewpoint. To them I say: why is my viewpoint not OK for me to personally have, provided I do not externalize it to any women… Read more »
It’s only misogyny if this guy slept around himself (making himself a sexist hypocrite). If not- and he was instead conservative about sex partners, then “slut’ essentially captures his disapproval of overall behavior, leaving you with nothing more than disagreement.
“Not all opinions were created equal… mine happen to be better than everyone else’s LOL!”
i might have the same problem… can someone tell me how I should approach this open discussion everybody keeps talking about. (whether I should accept or whether she agrees with my viewpoint) Also, Im scared that if I break up with her for whatever reason, Ill regret it because I really can’t know a good thing until its gone, and itll be too late. Background: I love her and we’re really great for each other, she’s caring and I am too. But the problem still remains…
Why is it a problem? Who is it a problem for? Just you? Determine that, the reasons you consider it a problem (the beliefs behind it, and values) and then maybe that will provide more clarity. It sounds like you love her very much and that you have a good relationship that you don’t want to lose. So why is her partner count a problem?
its a problem because 1. 10 other guys have been there, done that ( seen my gf naked, penetrated my gf ), theres a lack of accomplishment, for example, oh Ive been dating you for 3 months and I finally feel like I can give you all of me 2. It makes it seem like shes easy, which makes it seem like theres no real way she can be soooo into me when shes been into 10 guys enough to let them in. 3. It makes it seem like ” ohhh Ive had my fun now its time to find… Read more »
1. Why the need for a sense of accomplishment (in that sense at least)? Yes while it is true that other guys have seen her naked and have had sex with her the part that matters is that (assuming this an exclusive relationship between the two of you and she is not cheating on you) right now you are the one that is seeing her naked and you are the one that is having sex with her. That lack of accomplishment may be some unconsious desire to hold her sexual past against her. That’s not cool at all. 2. Bear… Read more »
Hey Danny,
I have no idea who you are. You have no idea who I am but I owe it to you to thank you kindly. I want you to know that your perspective to my problem has enlightened me to see my relationship very differently. Please know that a truly beautiful relationship has been saved partly from what you’ve taken the time to write here today. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to answer my problem. Thank you
No problem. We are all just trying to make our way through this world. Two other things. 1. Something else I wanted to warn you against was the idea that as a man it is somehow your duty to give an inexperienced woman some sort of first time mind blowing experience and failure to do so means you are less of a man. There are a lot of unrealistic expectactions heaped on women when it comes to sex and I think it’s worth mentioning that while those expectations must be challenged and done away with there are also unrealistic expectations… Read more »
Feel free to email me at [email protected] This is too long of a conversation to have here. For now, I’m a fan of this article on different models of looking at sex. There can be competitive models, as you are looking at it now (being first, “proof” of some kind of special things) and then there are more collaborative models. http://ducttapedance.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/toward-a-performance-model-of-sex-by-thomas-macaulay-millar/. This is about you and your framing of how sex is supposed to work and the cognitive dissonance you are feeling because you truly care for someone deeply who isn’t meeting your pre conceived narrative of “how things should… Read more »
totally agree
its not sacred 🙁
“1. 10 other guys have been there, done that ( seen my gf naked, penetrated my gf ), theres a lack of accomplishment, for example, oh Ive been dating you for 3 months and I finally feel like I can give you all of me” What is there to accomplish? I think you see sex as sacred between lovers but only one partner in their sex life, or very few. The only real concern should be STI’s, for which you can both be tested for but even people with only 1 partner get STI’s. “2. It makes it seem like… Read more »
Well freaking said, Archy. Brilliant. Right on the money.
Thank-you 🙂 I use to have an issue with it myself till I realized it doesn’t change the person, only thing I check for is STI’s and I’d do that if they had more than zero partners anyway.
People don’t care about sex what they care about is the TRUST between two people. When someone cheats its not that sex, its the break in trust that hurts. Thats why people look at cheating and swinging as different things. Its like telling a lie. My girlfriend had a fling with a guy as like a fuck buddy before we met. I really dont care but what I do care is that she waited several years to tell me. It still bugs me. Though I’ll probably let it slide. My point is things like that define your character. Its like… Read more »
She probably didn’t tell you because she was worried you’d be a judgmental asshole. You have another chance to show her that you’re not an asshole by “letting it slide” and never bringing it up again. What exactly does my GPA say about anything? There is a difference between failing gym but receiving all As in your other classes, and receiving all Bs, yet they result in the same GPA. The first says I’m an ‘A’ student academically but perhaps not so coordinated. The second says I’m a ‘B’ student academically and athletically. Context matters, just as whether she had… Read more »
What ever happened to people learning past experiences or mistakes? (if she believes they were mistakes). It often takes people a while to learn from experiences. Making a mistake the first time and learning straight away does not always happen. In my case I feel that I have had too many sexual partners from casual hook ups. I do regret not stopping my ‘habit’ sooner. Not everyone will feel the same about their past. There is some merit in ‘past behaviour is the best predictor of the future’ but it is not the ONLY predictor.
Everyone that is shaming him is missing the problem. The problem is NOT the PAST. The problem is the present. The problem right now is that he considers sex an intimate expression of love and outpouring of emotion, whereas she considers it a function that can be shared with a stranger or a partner. The problem right now is she neither has adopted the other’s view of sex. The problem is that sex is that while sacred expression of love to him, to her it’s just sex. As a result, the sex they share is more special to him than… Read more »
@Jen … a recent article regarding Mitt was about something he did when he was a teen. A lot of people here at GMP were upset with what he did back then, 30 years ago. What you’re saying is that the past is the past .. take age and inexperience into consideration? I guess that works only with what they chose to look at as important?
Tom, there are two implicit judgements you are making in your comparison. First, you are making a judgement of sex as a negative thing in suggesting that whether activities happened in the past or not is even important. Second, you are implying that bullying and physically assaulting someone is on par with having consensual sex outside the confines of a committed relationship simply because both acts happened in the past. Simply being “in the past” can not be the standard, and I don’t believe it’s the standard Jen or others are using. Rather, by “the past” we mean outside of… Read more »
“Let me make one other point, if I may, about why I’m also focussing on him rather than simply the incompatibility. It is an act of cruelty to stay with someone who disgusts you. To hold one’s nose while consorting with someone you revile is no noble deed. We deserve at a minimum respect and acceptance from our partners, and It is better to be alone than to treat others this way or in like manner be treated. A relationship can not long last when one partner holds the other in contempt, and its dissolution will not come about quietly.”… Read more »
Most of us women have several one-night stands in our early years. A lot of us didn’t want them to be one-night stands, but they happened simply because it takes some experience to figure out that some guys are really dishonest and will say anything to get us into bed, including implying a level of commitment that’s not there. The only surefire way to avoid getting fooled like this is to be willing to hold out for a couple of months before jumping into bed with any guy. Of course, this isn’t the only reason one-night stands happen, and certainly… Read more »
This particular framing is interesting to me, because it suggests—perhaps unintentionally—that the preferred, and possibly only acceptable outlet for sexual expression is within the confines of a relationship (I’m not convinced you’re making this argument). It’s a curious thing this idea of saving sex for a relationship, as if it were a resource in limited supply. It’s clear that both men and women shame each other – but primarily women – for their sexual behavior. Why she had any number of casual sex partners to me is wholly irrelevant. What interests me more is how she feels about those encounters,… Read more »
If he is disgusted then he should end the relationship.
There is no need for her to suffer because he cannot let that issue go or compromise on it.
The most hilarious part to me was that he thinks 10 partners is a lot.
I had more than 10 sexual partners before I finished high school.
Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
The more partners a person has the less likely they to remain in a long-term relationship.
So the question is… what is your own hope for a relationship with a person? Are you comfortable with letting a relationship run its course?
That’s some slut-shaming bullshit right there, Hondo. There is absolutely no indication that this woman ever cheated or ended relationships so that she could sleep with other men, so where is your logic in saying, “the more partners a person has the less likely they [are] to remain in a long-term relationship.”? How do you explain sexually open relationships then? How do you explain swingers? Where’s your statistical data to back that statement up? “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior” my ass; tell me, you drink milk from bottles nowadays? You use sippy cups? You completely deny… Read more »
Josh you are talking about the minority or the few who in our society who can practice swinging,threeways and other different kind of sex acts and still maintain a healthy relationship with a man or woman. These are the exceptions not the norm unless you can prove to me that Yale and Harvard who have conducted extensive studies on past relationships of whatever and how they affect future are false and full of crap. Take a couple of hours and google search the topic, more noted Psychologists and relationship experts agree that most but not all successful present relationships where… Read more »
Uh, yeah, there’s a vast difference between cheating and having a lot of sexual partners. And if ten is a lot… well, this guy would surely be disgusted with me. I always hate having the numbers conversation with men I’m thinking of dating, and often won’t, because I’ve found that it makes a lot of men really insecure and/or uncomfortable. Aside from the fact that I see no reason for anyone to judge another human being for the adult consensual sex that they’re having, I think it’s a little concerning that this man uses words like ‘disgusting’… mainly because my… Read more »
To him sex is special; something to be shared with someone you deeply care about. He’s bothered by the fact that, to her, having sex with him is nothing special, nothing that she wouldn’t do with a stranger. He cares about her but can’t get over the fact that he’ll never be anymore special than a stranger.
The trouble with that statement is that it is absolutely, unequivocally untrue. I have had a lot of one night stands (because I enjoy them). It doesn’t mean that sex and intimacy with a loving partner is not ‘something special’. In fact, sex is typically a great deal better within a loving relationship because there is intimacy between the two of you. Having one night stands does not at all negate one’s capacity to have a special intimate relationship with a lover. And, frankly, it doesn’t really even make sense to make such a statement.
This is about them, not you. To him sex is a special expression of love. Sex and love are inextricably connected. From his perspective, sex with him can’t be all that special if she’s willing to do the exact same thing strangers.
He hasn’t stated that at all. He’s actually said that he knows she enjoys the sex they have together but that he feels her dalliances prior to meeting him to be ‘disgusting’.
He finds them to be disgusting because to him sex is special intimate act, something to be shared only with someone you love. He’s disgusted because she’ll do it with people “she don’t even know”, let alone love.
They are not well suited and he should perhaps only date people like him, committing to mutual chastity until marriage. She should find a partner that suits her more who share her viewpoints on sexuality. I’m not sure why this is still even being discussed.
True enough. Better now than a costly divorce and the children being shuttled back and forth in a few years.
Well, I can’t imagine living with someone who felt so ashamed of me and something I’d consider normal and natural. And I feels sad for him that he can’t accept that she loves him and wants to be with him because for all he knows, this is the great love.
I feel he’s limiting himself, but I ultimately believe she’ll be better off with a partner that loves her for all of her, including her past.
There is also a lot we don’t know. He’s from Brazil, he’s possibly Catholic, he’s male, it’s possible he’s also been sexual with many women. She’s from Denmark, possibly Atheist or Protestant. Either way, it’s possible he’s from a more traditional culture and her from a more liberal one. He may have been virginal or he may just expect “good” women (the kind you marry) to be less experienced. Either way, I don’t see this working out.
What’s normal and natural? They disagree on what’s normal and natural. To her, sex with people she doesn’t know is normal and natural, to him, it’s not. He’s okay with sex within a relationship. It’s the stranger sex that he has a problem with. If they can’t even agree on that, they’re doomed.
And yet from her’s it might be. That he can’t allow for that possibility is sad. But if he can’t accept it, then he should let her go and find a parter better suited for her.
What I don’t understand is why people see it as simply black and white. It’s not always “all sex is special to me” and “all sex is not special to me.” Often times sex is extremely special, spiritual, and intimate. Sometimes it’s not. With one person it is, and with one it isn’t. In one situation it is, in another it isn’t. Just because it wasn’t special with some guy I hooked up with at college party when I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship or even knew where I’d be living in a year, doesn’t mean it isn’t special… Read more »
because we are kind of messed up about sex? Amen on this comment.
On a hunch, I would wager that he doesn’t put eating dinner and exchanging gifts on the same level of intimacy as sexual intercourse. To some people it’s not, but it is to him.
My own hunch is that this stems from a place of insecurity and/or ignorance. My having had a number of one nights stands (or even just friends with benefit type situations) does not at all mean that any future relationship I embark upon will be devoid of intimate sex. It doesn’t negate my capacity to be present and for my sexual relations to be special with another person. Some sexual encounters are about the casual desire to be satisfied, others are about the desire to be physically and emotionally intimate with another human being. And there are even some one… Read more »
You’ve identified where he and she differ. I’m not saying that either one is right or wrong. But, unlike her, he doesn’t ever disconnect sex and relationships sex. That’s why he finds casual sexual encounters with strangers in order to satisifed disgusting.
The problem I have with these statements is that unless you are this person, you’re only projecting your own beliefs onto this individual. We cannot know for certain exactly where the disgust lies without asking him himself.
In his own words. . .
“she’s had around 10 guys that she told me, and this bothers me a lot, I think it is very disgusting to have sex with someone that you don’t even know.”
Yes, those are his words. What it doesn’t say is that because of that he feels like sex between the two of them cannot be special. That is making a leap that may not be at all accurate.
Special, as in something only done with someone special. However you frame it, they have a major disconnect because that’s hiw view but not her’s.
Anyone else think it would be interesting to see the comments section if this was a woman saying she found her boyfriend’s past sexual exploits to be disgusting? =D
For what it’s worth, if I found out a guy had had 10 one night stands in the past I would be pretty repulsed and have to seriously consider whether I would be willing to settle in order to be with him. I don’t know if it would be a deal-breaker in the end, but I don’t know that I could be with someone who thinks casual sex is acceptable. I want someone who believes, like me, that it’s wrong.
My Coffee I am really interested in why you think casual sex is wrong, and I wonder if you differentiate between different types of “one night stands.” Is it only intentional one night stands that you find repulsive, or do you include “first date sex” where the relationship didn’t progress to a second date as unacceptable as well? Does a guy who has had a long term “friends with benefits” relationship also repulse you? And what do you mean by “settle in order to be with him?” (aside: for those who deny the transactional nature of relationships, I think words… Read more »
I think it’s very empty. I find it devoid of the things that make sex such a good and wonderful thing in life – love, for one, but most importantly the celebration of an intense and close relationship with another human being. You can’t celebrate something that hasn’t been built yet. And there’s the trust involved. In sex, you’re at your most vulnerable, physically and emotionally. I really think it’s a bad idea to open yourself up like that to someone you don’t know. As to intentional vs. accidental one night stands, that’s a very interesting question. I had to… Read more »
Thanks for indulging my curiosity, My Coffee. I find it interesting how strongly we hold on to our ideals of what sex should be and furthermore the origins of those ideals. Part of my motivation in participating here comes from having cast aside my own ideals to actively rebuild them as “ideals” rather than cultural prescriptions. I begin by asking myself, “why should sex be ‘celebration of an intense and close relationship with another human being?’ Where do we get this idea that sex is something to be rationed? What even makes our sexual activity a “values” question?” To me… Read more »
Are you talking about the double standard?
There are women out there who have an issue with their boyfriends number. But it SEEMS this is less of an issue.
Jasmine: I and most other men would never judge you if you had thousands of one night stands but from my personal experience women like you are not forth coming about your activities so i can asertain if you have practiced safe sex. Again not all but in most cases women like yourself have not done so. These are sworn testament from all kinds of relationship experts that either deal with you or your partner with relationship issues. I have met women like you and as far as i know i could of been one of your one night stands.… Read more »
“She can’t un-fuck those ten guys so I don’t see what the point is in litigating the past, other than to shame her about her behavior. So what if sex and intimacy don’t always go together for her? The real importance that has is whether she will have sex with other people during their relationship – not whether she had casual sex before their relationship or will have it again after this relationship has run it’s course. If she was cheating on a past boyfriend with those randoms, maybe that’s relevant? But I can’t see how anything else is.” Obviously,… Read more »
“Disgusting” is a judgement. It’s not “speaking openly about his views of her past.” What does he want from her? That she feel ashamed about her past behavior? That she feel as disgusted with herself as he does? I don’t want to decide what’s a deal-breaker for him. I think if it’s a deal-breaker for him he should move on already. I don’t think he should shame her for her past sexual encounters. She can’t un-fuck those guys, so either he needs to be okay with it or he needs to find someone who shares the same attitudes about casual… Read more »
The only shot of this relationship working is if one of them converts to the other’s view of sex/morals.
Either she accepts his view that sex with random strangers is disgusting and she regrets ever doing it, and commits to never doing it again – OR, he accepts her view that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with strangers.
Either way, if they don’t have a common moral view of sex, their chances of survival long term as a couple are nil
Sleeping around is totally fine, but it seems that, to him, it signals a non-chalance about sex and intimacy that makes him uncomfortable. It doesn’t make him “uncomfortable.” It makes him “disgusted.” However, her past behavior may not be indicative of her current views/values. If they can openly talk about his views and her past, maybe they can get past this. She can’t un-fuck those ten guys so I don’t see what the point is in litigating the past, other than to shame her about her behavior. So what if sex and intimacy don’t always go together for her? The… Read more »
For the people who are criticizing this man’s reactions and perceptions . . . When we live in a permissive and open society, we must accept many different opinions and behaviors. However, accepting something does not mean that you have to condone it or that you have to squash down your opinions and impulses about it. If he is uncomfortable about her past behavior, that is perfectly fine. His reaction of disgust is perfectly fine. People can accept things and not agree with them. The goal of a permissive society shouldn’t be that people give up their moral value systems… Read more »
” At what point would his disgust become acceptable?” Never. I agree with you that if he feels disgusted by her past actions, he should just end the relationship. However, I also think that he is a sad, sad man if he believes that he has any right to judge, or even know of, his girlfriend’s past sexual experience. If he’s worried about STD’s, he can respectfully ask her to take a test, but NOTHING grants him the right to know about the personal relationships she has had with other people in the past. Those relationships are between her and… Read more »
“However, I also think that he is a sad, sad man if he believes that he has any right to judge, or even know of, his girlfriend’s past sexual experience. If he’s worried about STD’s, he can respectfully ask her to take a test, but NOTHING grants him the right to know about the personal relationships she has had with other people in the past. ” I have to disagree with you wholeheartedly there. People *should* know about the personal histories of the people they let into their lives; this goes far beyond a “did you catch anything” safety measure.… Read more »
I don’t get it. She had 10 one-night-stands. So what? How on earth can that be a problem?
His options are to 1) grow up, or 2) move on.
“His options are to 1) grow up, or 2) move on.”
I agree with #2. He needs to move on and find someone who doesn’t believe in having sex with random strangers. She needs to move on and find someone who does.
People who don’t believe in having sex with random strangers that are no more immature than those who do.
People who don’t believe in having sex with random strangers that are no more immature than those who do. Which completely misses the point. No matter your choice of partner, you are never going to agree on everything. You’re not going to have the same positions on everything. To have a lasting relationship, you must be able to see beyond minor differences. He may look at the 10 one-nights stands and say, “I would never do that”. Fine. He does not have to agree it’s a grand thing. But to be hung up about his gf having done it the… Read more »
“No matter your choice of partner, you are never going to agree on everything.” Of course not, and they seem to agree on most things but not this. “To have a lasting relationship, you must be able to see beyond minor differences.” They both have to agree what is minor and what is major. She thinks sex with strangers is minor, he thinks it’s major. They have a fundamental difference in their view of morality, which WILL end their relationship eventually. By the way, many women feel the same way he does. I haven’t seen anyone so harshly criticize them,… Read more »
I agree completely with you. This isn’t a question of him not having the ‘right’ values, it’s a matter of their values being fundamentally different. He *shouldn’t* just move on and ignore the past – if they try to sweep this fundamental difference under the rug it’s only going to come back to bite them. What he needs is to think long and hard about weather her attitudes to sex are a dealbreaker for him – and if they are, he needs to break up with her and find someone else before he gets even more attached to her.
The real issue in this matter is the incompatibility in the attitudes of both partners. The guy feels probably feels that the girl had mentally separated sex from romantic relationship and doubts whether she would be sexually faithful to him in the future. The girl does not have any problem enjoying sex outside the boundary of romantic relation. It is the bone of contention.
Absolutely. The first step is to recognize the incompatibility and move on. Now if as a second step we can just get everyone to see that there’s nothing “wrong” with that person that doesn’t hold the same beliefs about sex as you do, perhaps we could make some progress on reducing the amount of judgement we have for one another. At the same time, I do believe we need, as a third step, to engage in some serious introspection about how we came to hold particular beliefs. We’re all so prone to believing things, both reasonably and unreasonably, and to… Read more »
“Now if as a second step we can just get everyone to see that there’s nothing “wrong” with that person that doesn’t hold the same beliefs about sex as you do, perhaps we could make some progress on reducing the amount of judgement we have for one another.”
He has no problem with the person. It’s her beliefs about sex that he has a problem with.
I think the disgust over her sexual past is what prompted that. It’s one thing to say, “I don’t agree with that.” its quite another to say “Something is wrong with you for that.” But about this letter writer’s attitude. I wonder if she had 12 boyfriends instead of 2 boyfriends and 10 on night stands would he have found it disgusting. I’m wondering if his problem isn’t the number itself but what that number is a count of. He equate a one night stand with having sex with someone you don’t know. Would it ease his soul if she… Read more »
I have read hundreds of these men issues with girlfriends past and wives past. In conclusion i have found that the more sexual partners that a woman has in her early and late teen years does affect how she will perceive and act in later life. Again most but not all women who proceed to get into a monogomous relationship after coming from a long list of sexual encounters of flings,hookups, FWBs and all other kinds of sexual trists do not put a lot of emphasis on a complete and healthy sexual relationship with their new man or new husband.… Read more »
Yeah, he needs to cut his losses and move on. It’s not a matter of her past; it’s that they hold very fundamentally different views toward sex, which dictated her behavior. But, holding very different views in this area will come back to bite them, even if he can get over his ill feeling about her past behavior. For an absolute, documented fact, holding fundamentally different value systems is a death knell for long term relationship success. It’s not a matter of if; it’s only a matter of when the relationship will fail. Better for him to cut his losses… Read more »
Great point. It’s not a matter of whether or not it SHOULD bother him, but the fact that it DOES bother him. He’ll probably find a girl some day who would be bothered by the same thing. And so when they have sex for the first time, they’ll both know exactly what it means to each other.
Yeah, he needs to cut his losses and move on. It’s not a matter of her past; it’s that they hold very fundamentally different views toward sex, which dictated her behavior. But, holding very different views in this area will come back to bite them, even if he can get over his ill feeling about her past behavior. For an absolute, documented fact, holding fundamental differences in value systems is a death knell for long term relationship success. It’s not a matter of if; it’s only a matter of when the relationship will fail. Better for him to cut his… Read more »
Another issue is that female promiscuity is linked to low social status in traditional cultures (or aristocratic social status, but I guess he’s know whether she was a duchess). So it’s partly classism; he’s partly looking down on her for acting like a trashy disenfranchised woman. Privileged women don’t have to abide by those rules because there’s no question that they’d need to get money by being sexual – they don’t. He may not emotionally “get” that. But really that’s the source of the double standard, where male promiscuity shows high status but loose women are hookers – that’s the… Read more »
Promiscuous PEOPLE are more likely to have personality disorders, but that’s not always the case. Since it’s a red flag, I can understand being cautious. What if you found out your partner used to shoplift? Set things on fire? Get in fights all the time? High-risk behavior is actually pretty telling.
Actually, you have a point. You’ll probably get flak for it, probably some reasonable flak, since it’s a pretty rough conviction.
Maybe, the problem isn’t so much in calling promiscuous women “sluts”, but in hailing promiscuous men as “studs”.
Next the response would probably be: “Well, guys should stop admiring them, then.”
To which I respond: “Well, girls do it, too. How else would they attract so many women?”
….To which someone responds: “Well, girls like that are just sluts.”
To which I respond with a simple word: “Bingo!”
There are a lot of emotionally damaged people out there having crazy indecisive sex with each other. And we admire them for it, because “look at all the sex they’ve had. they MUST be doing something right. They MUST be lovable.” And thus, we end up admiring the most messed up of the bunch, and we start trying to be like them. It’s how dumb became popular, nerdy became horrific, girls go around trying to look like Snooki, guys trying to look like they’re from Jersey Shore. The only reason they are getting laid so much is because there are… Read more »
Hey Web, let’s go out for a beer …. Only problem I have with you is that you say what I’m thinking before I can. Damn …. The only thing that I can add is that I’m not surprised that so many still steriotype men, that many men want is to get into bed and have sex, that men actually have notches on their bed posts. C’mon people, are you serious? Yeah, there are guys like that but damn, ya really think they’re the norm? If ya have a one night stand with your neighbor, best friend, post man or… Read more »
“If ya have a one night stand with your neighbor, best friend, post man or any one else, this guys isn’t comfortable with it. And ya know what, even if he himself is a man slut, it doesn’t matter, he’s entitled to how HE FEELS.”
As long as you also believe that a woman who does a lot of flirting and has had a lot of sex is entitled to her feelings to not want her man to flirt with other women or have had a lot of sexual partners.
Again, I state this: You’re not entitled from someone any more than you can give.
If you’ve had a lot of sex, you really can’t complain if your girlfriend has, too.
The reason THIS issue bugs me so much, is because I’m a virgin. So no matter who I find, she’ll basically have had infinite times the sex partners I’ve had, AND it’ll probably have a heck of a lot more value to me than to her. Unless, of course, she’s a virgin.
I do agree that whatever she did before him is none of his concern, but it’s easier to advise him to get over it than it is for him to actually do so. Right or wrong, he clearly feels strongly about this. I think he should spend some time on his own, without her. When he can objectively see what she brings to his life and judge whether or not it’s more important than the number of partners she has had, then he should act. I have never judged my partners on how many people they previously slept with, nor… Read more »
Well I think one part of her sexual history is very important to him, safe sex/STI risk. I’d want her to have an STI check (and I’d get one too), if it’s all clear then it’s all good but if it comes up positive with something then that could be a dealbreaker depending on what it was.
Archy,
I do agree with you there. An STI could be a deal-breaker and that is fine.
I did gloss over that because, in this day and age, having the conversation about disease and safe sex (and oftentimes, joint testing) is par for the course/social norm before settling into a long-term relationship. And regardless of the duration of the relationship, safe sex should always be the norm (be it protection use, or testing/monogamy, etc…there are so many combinations here).
It’s a social norm now? I hope so. The comment below us seems to show it’s not the norm for all though.
Personally I get an STI check when I change or add partners to the mix. I’m honestly surprised how few men and women both get any sort of STI checks. For me it doesn’t matter if someone is with one past partner or king/queen of the orgy scene. All it takes is one person to infect another person. So for me while sexual history is mildly important what is more important to me is how someone handles the responsibility of making sure they are STI free regardless of number of partners. For the original question I agree with the others… Read more »
“I have never judged my partners on how many people they previously slept with, nor how many one-nighters they had. That’s silly. ”
What about a guy who has been to prostitutes? Because I think that is comparable to women with high partner count.
“What about a guy who has been to prostitutes? Because I think that is comparable to women with high partner count.” First of all, I think a guy with a lot of one night stands is far more comparable to a girl with a lot of one night stands. But to answer the question, for me, it would depend. There’s the why, when, and how of it–why you chose prostitutes instead of casual relationships, one night stands, or committed relationships. Was it because you had bad luck in the dating scene? Did you want to get the loss of virginity… Read more »
I am really curious how you can compare a woman with many partners to a man who sleeps with prostitutes? I wouldn’t compare the two. I would compare a woman who sleeps with many men to a man who sleeps with many women or wishes they could (but can’t because they just don’t get willing, unpaid participants).