A man asks Eli and Josie how to deal with the fact that his girlfriend has had one-night stands and too many partners in the past.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: I have feel very bad about my girlfriend’s past, I dont mind about the 2 boyfriends but I can’t understand the fact that she had a couple of one night stands, she’s had around 10 guys that she told me, and this bothers me a lot, I think it is very disgusting to have sex with someone that you don’t even know. We are from different countries, I’m from Brazil and she is from Denmark, so we are very different, I love her and know that she enjoy our sex, I just feel very disgusting about this, what should I do?
She Said: First, her sex life before the two of you committed to one another is not about you. It has nothing to do with you. Leave her alone about it.
I want to be compassionate toward you about this, because I can hear that you are feeling really bad about it. But it’s hard for me to do that because this seems really controlling. She is her own person, completely separate from you, and I hate the thought that you’re making her feel bad about sex she had before you were even in the picture. Sure you can ask her why she did it, you can try to figure out what was happening in her psychology when she chose to have some one-night stands, but why does it matter if she’s true to you and good to you now that she’s with you?
The only thing that matters is that you both honor your commitments to one another while you’re together. Get the rest out of your mind, or break up with her and move on. You aren’t doing anyone any good wishing her past were different than it is. Then she can find a truly accepting, loving guy and you can find a girl whose past is more to your liking.
He Said: Do you have a magic eraser by chance? If you do, you can erase your girlfriend’s past, along with her one night stands you don’t approve of. If you don’t have such an eraser, you’re going to just have to accept her for who she is NOW. If she’s a good girlfriend to you, isn’t that the most important thing?
If she’s loving, loyal, and committed to you, isn’t that all you can ask for? Everyone has a past. And most everyone has made decisions they’ve regretted, at some point (I’m not saying your girlfriend should regret her past decisions, but it sounds like you regret them for her). Who knows, if your girlfriend knew everything about your past, she might be disappointed by some of YOUR history. If you’re concerned about the amount of men she’s slept with, then that’s a different conversation, but one you certainly can have. And if you’re so disgusted with her past, practice safe sex (we here at She Said He Said advocate sex safe anyhow).
If you’re interested to know WHY your girlfriend made those decisions, it’s certainly your prerogative to discuss it with her. But if she’s good to you, and you love her, I would try to distract yourself from that part of her past, and focus on (current) issues you can actually fix today. And remember, nobody’s perfect!
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144 Comments on "My Girlfriend Has Had Too Many Partners"
Well said, Sean. You summed it up wonderfully. I think you also hit the nail on the head in terms of how most men view a woman with an abundant sexual past.
Just by way of update; I broke up with her a few days following the last post. Though sad, I knew of no other way to resolve this. I also realized that although her past bothered me (and probably in and of itself wnough for her not to be the one), the fact that her present views were not very different was more problematic going forward. I think it is difficult to understand for women that for some men, this is a no-go and nothing you can do about it.
@Rick … you have every right to feel as you do. It’s who you are and no one should tell you you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. I can’t believe some of the responses making you look as though you’re not being fair. Who is anyone to say you’re right or wrong?
I commend you for your showing compassion for her and not wanting to hurt her but when all is said and done, this is your life and accordingly, you have the right to feel as you do.
I can’t believe you went on to still have sex with her! (Actually, I can, typical “nice” guy)… you’re a bad person and a hypocrite. Bye!
It’s only misogyny if this guy slept around himself (making himself a sexist hypocrite). If not- and he was instead conservative about sex partners, then “slut’ essentially captures his disapproval of overall behavior, leaving you with nothing more than disagreement.
“Not all opinions were created equal… mine happen to be better than everyone else’s LOL!”
i might have the same problem… can someone tell me how I should approach this open discussion everybody keeps talking about. (whether I should accept or whether she agrees with my viewpoint) Also, Im scared that if I break up with her for whatever reason, Ill regret it because I really can’t know a good thing until its gone, and itll be too late. Background: I love her and we’re really great for each other, she’s caring and I am too. But the problem still remains…
Why is it a problem? Who is it a problem for? Just you? Determine that, the reasons you consider it a problem (the beliefs behind it, and values) and then maybe that will provide more clarity. It sounds like you love her very much and that you have a good relationship that you don’t want to lose. So why is her partner count a problem?
its not sacred 🙁
Well freaking said, Archy. Brilliant. Right on the money.
Thank-you 🙂 I use to have an issue with it myself till I realized it doesn’t change the person, only thing I check for is STI’s and I’d do that if they had more than zero partners anyway.
totally agree
Hey Danny,
I have no idea who you are. You have no idea who I am but I owe it to you to thank you kindly. I want you to know that your perspective to my problem has enlightened me to see my relationship very differently. Please know that a truly beautiful relationship has been saved partly from what you’ve taken the time to write here today. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to answer my problem. Thank you
What ever happened to people learning past experiences or mistakes? (if she believes they were mistakes). It often takes people a while to learn from experiences. Making a mistake the first time and learning straight away does not always happen. In my case I feel that I have had too many sexual partners from casual hook ups. I do regret not stopping my ‘habit’ sooner. Not everyone will feel the same about their past. There is some merit in ‘past behaviour is the best predictor of the future’ but it is not the ONLY predictor.
@Jen … a recent article regarding Mitt was about something he did when he was a teen. A lot of people here at GMP were upset with what he did back then, 30 years ago. What you’re saying is that the past is the past .. take age and inexperience into consideration? I guess that works only with what they chose to look at as important?
If he is disgusted then he should end the relationship.
There is no need for her to suffer because he cannot let that issue go or compromise on it.
The most hilarious part to me was that he thinks 10 partners is a lot.
I had more than 10 sexual partners before I finished high school.
Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
The more partners a person has the less likely they to remain in a long-term relationship.
So the question is… what is your own hope for a relationship with a person? Are you comfortable with letting a relationship run its course?
To him sex is special; something to be shared with someone you deeply care about. He’s bothered by the fact that, to her, having sex with him is nothing special, nothing that she wouldn’t do with a stranger. He cares about her but can’t get over the fact that he’ll never be anymore special than a stranger.
The trouble with that statement is that it is absolutely, unequivocally untrue. I have had a lot of one night stands (because I enjoy them). It doesn’t mean that sex and intimacy with a loving partner is not ‘something special’. In fact, sex is typically a great deal better within a loving relationship because there is intimacy between the two of you. Having one night stands does not at all negate one’s capacity to have a special intimate relationship with a lover. And, frankly, it doesn’t really even make sense to make such a statement.
Anyone else think it would be interesting to see the comments section if this was a woman saying she found her boyfriend’s past sexual exploits to be disgusting? =D
Are you talking about the double standard?
There are women out there who have an issue with their boyfriends number. But it SEEMS this is less of an issue.
For what it’s worth, if I found out a guy had had 10 one night stands in the past I would be pretty repulsed and have to seriously consider whether I would be willing to settle in order to be with him. I don’t know if it would be a deal-breaker in the end, but I don’t know that I could be with someone who thinks casual sex is acceptable. I want someone who believes, like me, that it’s wrong.
On a hunch, I would wager that he doesn’t put eating dinner and exchanging gifts on the same level of intimacy as sexual intercourse. To some people it’s not, but it is to him.
You’ve identified where he and she differ. I’m not saying that either one is right or wrong. But, unlike her, he doesn’t ever disconnect sex and relationships sex. That’s why he finds casual sexual encounters with strangers in order to satisifed disgusting.
The problem I have with these statements is that unless you are this person, you’re only projecting your own beliefs onto this individual. We cannot know for certain exactly where the disgust lies without asking him himself.
Special, as in something only done with someone special. However you frame it, they have a major disconnect because that’s hiw view but not her’s.
Yes, those are his words. What it doesn’t say is that because of that he feels like sex between the two of them cannot be special. That is making a leap that may not be at all accurate.
In his own words. . .
“she’s had around 10 guys that she told me, and this bothers me a lot, I think it is very disgusting to have sex with someone that you don’t even know.”
because we are kind of messed up about sex? Amen on this comment.
This is about them, not you. To him sex is a special expression of love. Sex and love are inextricably connected. From his perspective, sex with him can’t be all that special if she’s willing to do the exact same thing strangers.
And yet from her’s it might be. That he can’t allow for that possibility is sad. But if he can’t accept it, then he should let her go and find a parter better suited for her.
He hasn’t stated that at all. He’s actually said that he knows she enjoys the sex they have together but that he feels her dalliances prior to meeting him to be ‘disgusting’.
He finds them to be disgusting because to him sex is special intimate act, something to be shared only with someone you love. He’s disgusted because she’ll do it with people “she don’t even know”, let alone love.
They are not well suited and he should perhaps only date people like him, committing to mutual chastity until marriage. She should find a partner that suits her more who share her viewpoints on sexuality. I’m not sure why this is still even being discussed.
True enough. Better now than a costly divorce and the children being shuttled back and forth in a few years.
What’s normal and natural? They disagree on what’s normal and natural. To her, sex with people she doesn’t know is normal and natural, to him, it’s not. He’s okay with sex within a relationship. It’s the stranger sex that he has a problem with. If they can’t even agree on that, they’re doomed.
Well, I can’t imagine living with someone who felt so ashamed of me and something I’d consider normal and natural. And I feels sad for him that he can’t accept that she loves him and wants to be with him because for all he knows, this is the great love.
I feel he’s limiting himself, but I ultimately believe she’ll be better off with a partner that loves her for all of her, including her past.
There is also a lot we don’t know. He’s from Brazil, he’s possibly Catholic, he’s male, it’s possible he’s also been sexual with many women. She’s from Denmark, possibly Atheist or Protestant. Either way, it’s possible he’s from a more traditional culture and her from a more liberal one. He may have been virginal or he may just expect “good” women (the kind you marry) to be less experienced. Either way, I don’t see this working out.
The only shot of this relationship working is if one of them converts to the other’s view of sex/morals.
Either she accepts his view that sex with random strangers is disgusting and she regrets ever doing it, and commits to never doing it again – OR, he accepts her view that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with strangers.
Either way, if they don’t have a common moral view of sex, their chances of survival long term as a couple are nil
I don’t get it. She had 10 one-night-stands. So what? How on earth can that be a problem?
His options are to 1) grow up, or 2) move on.
“His options are to 1) grow up, or 2) move on.”
I agree with #2. He needs to move on and find someone who doesn’t believe in having sex with random strangers. She needs to move on and find someone who does.
People who don’t believe in having sex with random strangers that are no more immature than those who do.
The real issue in this matter is the incompatibility in the attitudes of both partners. The guy feels probably feels that the girl had mentally separated sex from romantic relationship and doubts whether she would be sexually faithful to him in the future. The girl does not have any problem enjoying sex outside the boundary of romantic relation. It is the bone of contention.
“Now if as a second step we can just get everyone to see that there’s nothing “wrong” with that person that doesn’t hold the same beliefs about sex as you do, perhaps we could make some progress on reducing the amount of judgement we have for one another.”
He has no problem with the person. It’s her beliefs about sex that he has a problem with.
Great point. It’s not a matter of whether or not it SHOULD bother him, but the fact that it DOES bother him. He’ll probably find a girl some day who would be bothered by the same thing. And so when they have sex for the first time, they’ll both know exactly what it means to each other.
Promiscuous PEOPLE are more likely to have personality disorders, but that’s not always the case. Since it’s a red flag, I can understand being cautious. What if you found out your partner used to shoplift? Set things on fire? Get in fights all the time? High-risk behavior is actually pretty telling.
Actually, you have a point. You’ll probably get flak for it, probably some reasonable flak, since it’s a pretty rough conviction.
Maybe, the problem isn’t so much in calling promiscuous women “sluts”, but in hailing promiscuous men as “studs”.
Next the response would probably be: “Well, guys should stop admiring them, then.”
To which I respond: “Well, girls do it, too. How else would they attract so many women?”
….To which someone responds: “Well, girls like that are just sluts.”
To which I respond with a simple word: “Bingo!”
“If ya have a one night stand with your neighbor, best friend, post man or any one else, this guys isn’t comfortable with it. And ya know what, even if he himself is a man slut, it doesn’t matter, he’s entitled to how HE FEELS.”
As long as you also believe that a woman who does a lot of flirting and has had a lot of sex is entitled to her feelings to not want her man to flirt with other women or have had a lot of sexual partners.
Again, I state this: You’re not entitled from someone any more than you can give.
If you’ve had a lot of sex, you really can’t complain if your girlfriend has, too.
The reason THIS issue bugs me so much, is because I’m a virgin. So no matter who I find, she’ll basically have had infinite times the sex partners I’ve had, AND it’ll probably have a heck of a lot more value to me than to her. Unless, of course, she’s a virgin.
“I have never judged my partners on how many people they previously slept with, nor how many one-nighters they had. That’s silly. ”
What about a guy who has been to prostitutes? Because I think that is comparable to women with high partner count.
I am really curious how you can compare a woman with many partners to a man who sleeps with prostitutes? I wouldn’t compare the two. I would compare a woman who sleeps with many men to a man who sleeps with many women or wishes they could (but can’t because they just don’t get willing, unpaid participants).
Well I think one part of her sexual history is very important to him, safe sex/STI risk. I’d want her to have an STI check (and I’d get one too), if it’s all clear then it’s all good but if it comes up positive with something then that could be a dealbreaker depending on what it was.
Archy,
I do agree with you there. An STI could be a deal-breaker and that is fine.
I did gloss over that because, in this day and age, having the conversation about disease and safe sex (and oftentimes, joint testing) is par for the course/social norm before settling into a long-term relationship. And regardless of the duration of the relationship, safe sex should always be the norm (be it protection use, or testing/monogamy, etc…there are so many combinations here).
It’s a social norm now? I hope so. The comment below us seems to show it’s not the norm for all though.