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I wrote this on February 14th, 2017. Valentine’s Day. After I just read another post from a widow friend who is being made to feel like an awful human because she chose to try to live again.
Here is my rant:
Sit down.
And shut up.
Serious question: Is your spouse six feet under? Oh wait, are they a pile of ashes?
No?
They aren’t?
Wow.
Ok.
Cool.
Then, sit down.
And shut up.
My wife’s name was Michelle. She’s gone.
Once a widow. Always a widow.
Once a widower. Always a widower.
Not, this isn’t a plea for sympathy.
No, this isn’t even an angry post.
This is an honest post.
This is a passionate post.
This is a real post.
Sit down.
And shut up.
Unless you watched your spouse die. Unless you buried your spouse. Unless you burned your spouse.
Sit down.
And shut up.
Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be living.
Do not tell a widow or widower how they should be acting.
And please, for the love of all that is right in this world, PLEASE—do NOT tell a widow or widower when they should try to love again.
I am sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to pick up the pieces of their lives.
I am sick of seeing widows and widowers vilified for trying to find companionship again. For trying to find love again.
Hell, for trying to find ANYTHING again!
We are lost souls. On a journey to find our self again.
And YOU want to judge?
You?
Do you know the courage it takes to go back out there after your spouse has died?
After you watched them die of cancer. Or a massive heart attack. Or suicide.
After you watched them fall to sixty pounds. Having bowel movements on themselves. Having horrific hallucinations so bad that seeing them like that strangled your soul.
After you watched them fall to their knees. And clutch there chest. And take their last breath.
After you walked in on their body. Dead. Because they took their own life.
You have no idea.
Do you have any idea how badly the loss of a spouse messes with your mind? With your heart? With your soul?
No. You don’t.
So sit down.
And shut up.
You are not allowed to judge.
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you drive home to your spouse.
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you eat dinner with your spouse
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you cuddle up on the couch with your spouse.
You are not allowed to pass judgment as you have sexy time with your spouse.
You. Are. Not. Allowed. To. Pass. Judgment.
Sit down.
And shut up.
Stop judging.
Stop thinking that you know what the hell you are talking about.
Because you do not.
Your life wasn’t ripped from you.
Your future wasn’t destroyed.
Sit down.
And shut up.
This was not our choice.
This was not a breakup. Stop comparing.
This was not a divorce. Stop comparing.
This was not the loss of a grandpa. Stop comparing.
This was not the loss of Uncle Thomas. Stop comparing.
And for Heaven’s sake, this was NOT the loss of your damn CAT. Stop comparing!
This was the loss of a soul mate.
Our love.
Our other half.
Our life.
Our future.
Sit down.
And shut up.
The next time you see a widow or widower try to pick themselves off, dust themselves off and ‘get back out there’.
You have two choices.
You can either sit down and shut up.
Or,
You can give them a standing ovation.
For their heart. For their courage. For their bravery.
Those are your two options.
And your ONLY two options.
Because. You. Do. Not. Know.
—Rant. Over. –
Mic Drop.
© Copyright 2017 John Polo
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Photo Credit: Shutterstock
Thank you. I was about to start writing an excuse as to why I am dating again. Then realised I don’t need to justify myself to others.
I got vilified by some of my late wifes family for daring to date again.
Very well written; there are a lot of people out there who like to give free advice that have never been down that road.
Thank you. I was widowed 18 yrs ago. Married the first And only tone At 32, on my birthday in fact. Best present I ever gave myself; that tall, handsome, funny, hardworking Idaho cowboy. He was murdered by some young hen who tried to steal his truck when I was 39. 2.5 months before our 8th anniversary. He was 49. I’ve dated some nice men but haven’t ever remarried. I was a mess a long time but found a new path alone. I’m ok alone. I would rather be alone and single than married to the wrong man and lonelier.… Read more »
Thank you. People sometimes mean well. I for one try to be as gracious as I can be when people want to tell me they understand. Yes they have even mentioned there animals as an example. To them I just stare and they get the hint. Widowed 19 Months now. I’m 63. Too young to be a widow to old to have a history with anyone else. I’m at a cross roads of moving on but to where I don’t know. Thanks for this raw yet very real wake up call to others.
Perfect, honest and truthful, it echoes in so many ways feelings that I like many have and still are experiencing,
Thankyou
Beautiful and important reminder. Thank you.
What a great way of putting this into words John. I believe that everyone experiences his or her own grieve. You cannot compare and certainly one cannot , shouldn’t judge. There is no rule for starting to date again. Your heart feels not only grieve for a lifetime, but some day your heart wants to love again, that’s so brave, but it shouldn’t be that, it should be natural and you should be glad if the time is there and you certainly don’t !!
I love this. You have put down so beautifully what so many, myself included, can’t help but feel. Well done!
Well I for one do judge….and I walk in your shoes so am I allowed to?! I lost my partner of 4 years 2 years ago and it still fills me with such despair that I find it incomprehensible how others in the same position can move on so easily and date after only a few months. Believe me I am not stuck or in complicated grief, I am simply trying to recover from the most life destroying event that will ever happen to me. I cried every night for over a year for him and for us and our… Read more »
So refreshing to see this down in words, I lost my husband aged 27 to cancer 8 years ago and people still pass judgement on my life, where I should be and what I should be doing etc etc. Thank you, it’s good to know you are not alone in trying to piece your life back together as best you can xx
Thank you for saying the words I wish I had had the courage to speak. I was judged, criticized, told I was setting a bad example for my children…. All because I started to rebuild and – God forbid – DATE! I have read and re-read your article a dozen times. Thank you. ❤
Well said. No-one knows how hard it is to even keep breathing when our soul mate has taken their last breath, unless they have experienced it. Having the courage to date again, should that person choose to, shows enormous strength of character. Yes to a standing ovation and no to unqualified judgements. Thank you!
Yes!
It is like I don’t exist without my spouse. I hope I don’t have anything else that is so draining. It seems this world is made for couples. Plus it is kind of scary to go out by yourself. Thank you for the well written and totally accurate thoughts.
I am crying right now. Thank you.
Not a sarcastic thank you, a real ‘oh my gosh, YES, you understand, you’ve put my crazy post death mushy brain thoughts right there!’ That kind of thank you!
I will promptly be showing this to an already forming list In my brain.
Your writing is powerful and touching.
Thank you
thanks for your feedback marina. I’m sorry for your loss. feel free to follow my on FB and my blog.
Thank you for this.
thanks for reading it lisa!