(Trigger warning: this includes emotional abuse reflection)
In all my years, I thought I was doing one thing right. Fully loving people. The last few years left me vexed from heartache and grief so my view of relationships has been skewed. Fast forward getting into a relationship after the maelstrom of toxicity and emotional abuse, I still think that I am doing the loving people in the way that they needed to loved. Through the exploration of experiencing conflict and emotionally upsetting my partner I realized: I must learn to speak my partner’s love language or else my partner won’t recognize the love I am bringing to the table. It was a tough lesson to get deep in my thick skull. I finally think I’ve got it after being stubborn and hitting my head multiple times.
You see I was used to all of the things that they(professionals/ self helps and others) tell you not to do: stonewalling, gas lighting, belittling, insecurities, taking the problems out on the other person just to name a few. You name it, I went through it. If you are in an emotionally abusive situation/relationship- consider this your sign:
1. You are worth far more than you give yourself credit for, to stay and tolerate disrespect, a lack of love and toxicity.
2. Start small: find a friend that you can trust to validate who you are. I was that ghost of a shell, from dealing with toxicity for years. Don’t be like me.
3. Find a professional who can help you process your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I’m here to tell you, you aren’t crazy even though the person or thing you have in your life would cause you to believe otherwise.
4. Stand in your power! Pain in your life can be an indicator that things are out of alignment/wrong/not meant for you/something needs to change.
5. Make an effort to stop giving your love to the “people”. (Whoever you thought about when you read this, is who you need to stop entertaining and pour into yourself.)
6. Radical Self Love- if you’ve left or even contemplating leaving…Kudos! I know it is not easy to say I deserve more. I was meant for more and to strive for what you love.
I am certainly in a different place than I was. I can say that you are so much more than the trauma, drama, toxicity, the day that you realize it- your entire life will change!
If you are in a new relationship and still hurting, there’s still hope. Embrace that mistakes will occur. Relationships are more messy than perfect. Be mindful of your triggers. COMMUNICATE. COMMUNICATE. COMMUNICATE. Be Kind to yourself. Love yourself. Share your needs. Share your highs and lows. Be grateful. Be willing to receive the goodness that comes with being in a healthy relationship. Look back but also know that you aren’t there anymore. Discover your boundaries and use them! Lastly, don’t forget to trust the process cuz’ healing sure isn’t easy!
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