Habitual porn use can affect a guy’s ability to perform in real-life sexual situations. Here’s one guy’s story.
Recently, Davy Rothbart, writing for New York magazine, confessed that he was faking orgasms because of heavy porn use. (Watch Rothbart on Joy Behar’s show below.) More recently, Italian researchers reported that young men are having erection problems due to long-term porn use.
At last, a growing phenomenon is out in the open. Here’s how one man overcame this problem.
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For years, I looked at porn and masturbated to multiple orgasms at least once a day, beginning during high school. At university, I was a computer nerd with glasses and no social life, though I played a lot of sport. I’d stay in my room and study, play guitar, or masturbate. I got pretty good at all these things.
Once I could afford my own cable Internet connection, the floodgates opened. With unlimited access to high quality porn 24-7, I’d stay up till 4:00 a.m. and get up at the crack of noon. Some months I binged so much that I exceeded my Internet quota and received bills of $1000. I used to have 5-10 windows of streaming video open at a time, and bounce between them, which really upped the levels of arousal. This pattern continued throughout my early 20s. I was not happy at all, and my doctor diagnosed me with depression.
Porn temporarily took my desire away, so I thought it was a good thing, keeping me “balanced.” I was proud that I could look at a hot girl on the street and not feel the slightest hint of arousal because porn had desensitized me. It was a way of taking back the power that I believed women had over me. Only much later did I realize how destructive this was.
Most of what I’d learned at school, in the media, and on the Internet said masturbation, and even porn, are healthy. All the guys I knew were into it, so I never so it occurred to me how abnormal it actually is in contrast with a natural sex life. As far as I knew, masturbation had no downside, and viewing porn was just something all guys do all the time. Many of my friends still have this view.
When I finally lost my virginity at 23, my first time was terrible. I was semi-hard, nervous, and nothing was working. I did not enjoy it at all, and I’m sure my ex-girlfriend would say the same. I did love her, but I’d been training my nervous system to respond sexually another way for so long it was like my body didn’t know what to do. Our sex life was one of the main reasons we broke up after a couple of years. I was watching porn a lot the whole time. Now, I realize that I was sabotaging our relationship, but at the time I blamed her. She did have problems of her own, but didn’t deserve all the blame. In my defense, I honestly didn’t know any better.
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Since then, I’ve had sex, but I’ve never really been able to relax and enjoy it. I’m always nervous, and frequently have problems getting an erection. My last orgasm was at the hands of a Chinese massage girl and even then, I had trouble orgasming. She was pretty and had an attractive body, but it took a long time for me to orgasm, and she almost gave up. This is just one example of how I’ve short-circuited my ability to become aroused through normal means.
A hot girl could be naked with legs spread on the bed in front of me, and I’d still need some sort of manual stimulation to get hard. This really scares me. I want my libido back. I want to feel normal again. I want to be connected with the rest of the world and enjoy my life. I’ve been using porn to escape, and I’m convinced it played a significant part in causing my past depression.
Last year, I had a decent attempt at quitting porn and noticed improvements. But I was still masturbating and reading erotica during that time. This current effort (which began three weeks ago) is the first time I’ve actually tried going without any orgasm or externally arousing stimuli, and I feel that this is the key. It seems like total abstinence would speed the recovery process. Incidentally, I’m 28 and pretty healthy physically and emotionally, and my diet is pretty clean. I’m working out regularly. I don’t smoke. I do drink to excess on the weekends though.
The strange thing is that it hasn’t been hard to stop, once I made the decision. Apart from mild headaches and restless sleep, I haven’t had the withdrawal symptoms many people mention. Instead, I feel nothing. It’s like I just don’t have a libido. No morning wood. No wet dreams. No spontaneous erections. No cravings. Haven’t been horny. I’ve had opportunities to have sex but my body is not responding. I’m taking tango classes, so I’m reasonably social but still no sign of my libido. I can dance with a beautiful girl and have no physical reaction whatsoever. I’m aware cerebrally that a girl is attractive, but I don’t feel it physically.
The thing that keeps me going with the abstinence is my faith that I’ll be able to reboot my brain and get back to normal. But it’s frustrating.
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Six Weeks Later:
This week marks a turning point in my recovery process. Before I go on, I need to describe the girl from tango dancing. She’s tall, green eyes (I love green eyes), great body, and cool as hell. She’s really street-smart and down-to-earth and can hold a conversation about heaps of things. She just wants to have fun, which is exactly what I need right now.
I think it’s safe to say my libido is back, but it was eight weeks of no porn, masturbation, or erotica, and minimal fantasy. My goal was to make it to a wet dream, as an indication that my body was beginning to respond normally. I never made it. Last week, I had an externally stimulated orgasm with a Thai massage girl. Part of me wishes I’d waited, just out of curiosity to see how long it would have taken. But then my goal is to have a healthy sex life again, not wet dreams.
Other than that incident, it was straight abstinence. [When I finally had sex with the girl I met at tango class], there was no erectile dysfunction (ED). I was hard without her touching me. We had sex multiple times, so on the second and third time I needed a little “help,” but there was no ED as such. The fourth time we’d waited a few hours, and I got hard with no help, just by being turned on. So I think it’s safe to say I’m getting legitimate, unassisted erections now.
I’ve also realized is that sex is not a performance. It’s about two people connecting and having fun. I think it’s going to take quite a while to unlearn all the crap that I absorbed from watching porn. I know what to focus on now, though; I really tried to make the session as slow and sensual as possible, with lots of caressing and touching. So, I think that it is just a matter of time and practicing real sex with real women.
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Three months later:
So it has been roughly 20 weeks since I last looked at porn. Here’s what’s been happening: In the last two weeks I’ve had sex with three different girls and enjoyed every minute of it. No performance issues. I’ve been making an effort just to enjoy the experience and not place any expectations upon myself, or the girl, with great results. But I’m realizing the whole “player” thing is not all it’s cracked up to be. What I’m looking for now is a good connection with a nice, cool girl, and I’m prepared to wait.
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Strictly speaking, the problem isn’t porn, but intense stimulation.
Porn-related copulatory impotence lies not in viewers’ penises, but in their brain’s primitive reward circuitry—and there is no quick fix. Normal dopamine sensitivity is critical to normal sexual responsiveness. Too much stimulation appears to weaken the dopamine sensitivity of many brains. To return to normal, the brain needs time to reboot—without extreme stimulation. For an in-depth look at the brain mechanisms at work in porn-related ED and recovery, watch this slide show.
Unfortunately, most porn users don’t realize what’s going on until their reward circuit’s pleasure response is seriously numb, because they naturally overcome any erectile sluggishness with more extreme porn. Hotter stimulation forces the release of the extra dopamine they need to achieve an erection, but it further dampens their natural sensitivity and their sexual responsiveness. It’s a cruel cycle.
—Photo andronicusmax/Flickr
What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable experience regarding unpredicted emotions.
this sa good blog. you helped my sex life out as well. good job bro
keep sharing the love
I don’t see a moral problem with excessive porn use. I don’t see a problem with a man choosing to give up “real” women for porn. The primary question would be is it an addiction. Addiction seems to invalidate choice to some extent. Addiction would mean that a person would have an uncontrollable need for porn or masturbation. I’ve never had a “need” for porn and I don’t think that it was true for the author. He was trying to fix a problem with ED. Help should be available for people who want and need it. IMO excessive porn use… Read more »
I’m not saying this article is a fiction, but none of what he wrote really rang true to me. I’ve used porn since I was an adolescent. And use it more now, because it’s so easily available online. I’ve used it while single, while in relationships, and while married. On different days I might use it once, two or three times, or not at all. In general, I’ll want an orgasm every day. With my wife, or on my own if she’s not up for it. Or both, if I’m horny when she’s not around, but later it turns out… Read more »
Hi i truly enjoyed the article, it gives me hope. I also have a story to share my name is Joseph, I’m 20 years old. I first realize this addiction not long ago when me and my girlfriend attempted to had sex and it was just an attempt because I couldn’t get hard, it might had been the nerves since it was my first time or maybe I was the masturbating too much to porn that was giving me all this problems. I thought since I’m young I could probably and most likely be able to last for a long… Read more »
My relationship with my most recent ex ended in large part due to our sex life, due to porn… He didn’t date much in highschool and told me after we’d been dating for awhile that I was his first. He was not my first so I had some experience in the area already. Sex with us was awesome until he let some issues come up… His issues came from too much expectation due to porn. When I told him I had “squirted” before (which I’d held back because I wasn’t sure how he would react), he made it his mission… Read more »
Here’s the irony: If he were to stop watching porn and masturbating to fantasies of it for a couple of months…his entire perception of what’s satisfying sexually would shift. We’ve seen it over and over on our forum.. In contrast, the rat race that porn causes, in terms of needing “edgier” sex, has no end to it. His taste isn’t for “squirting” or “anal.” It’s for the next edgy thing. Yet wherever you draw the line, he will fool himself that his true, lasting satisfaction lay just around the corner if only you had done in a threesome, or done… Read more »
I agree and disagree on the “next edgier thing” aspect. I was with him long enough to know that he really WAS interested in anal since porn seems to glorify it as the best you can get, plus he was an ass-man (as opposed to a boob man) to start with so it was kind of a lethal combination. More than anything it was the disrespect of me factor that led to me ending things. Him continually ignoring my wishes and preferences made me lose that precious trust that you need to truly have a healthy sex life with your… Read more »
Everything you say aligns perfectly with the mainstream “wisdom” of today, but with all due respect (and I mean that sincerely), it does not align with what we’re seeing as men recover from porn use. Your partner’s brain has adapted to the intense stimulation of porn, and it leaves “vanilla” sex abnormally unstimulating. Hence his need for his favorite fetish…until that become ordinary, or stress free…and then he will need something else. Because the real issue is dopamine response needed to get off, not innate sexual tastes. For more watch this video series: http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series Also, addicts have priorities driven by… Read more »
I’ll take an opposite stance. It’s not the porn that’s the problem. It’s the addiction that’s the problem. Honestly? The writer of this article had a PROBLEM. It’s like banning alcohol because some people lack the self-control to keep from being alcoholics. Why should we all be limited for the lack of self-control of a few? While people denigrate erotic material, they completely overlook the fact that it ALSO encourages expression of sexuality. Maybe guys didn’t have as much problem with porn addictions before the internet. However, why don’t we also try to track our increasing openness about sexuality and… Read more »
Huh? What article have you read? Where does it say we want to ban porn? We don’t. Where in the article did we denigrate porn. We didn’t. The article is about overstimulation of the reward circuitry, which leads to a decline in dopamine, the chemical that initiates erections. As described the dopamine system responds to novelty, which Internet porn provides in spades. No moralizing, no judging, just overstimulation. These men wanted their erections and their lives back. That’s all. To get their sex lives back they needed to give up porn and allow their brains to heal. Now they can… Read more »
Exactly. I doubt any of the guys here have moral objections to porn, seeing as how most of them have used it extensively for a decade.
No one here is calling for the elimination of porn, simply the elimination of porn in their lives due to the negative consequences that they have already experienced.
As a therapist treating individuals and couples with porn and sex addiction issues, I applaud this article and it’s honesty. The program I use in my private practice is from LifeSTAR, and I encourage both addicts and their partners to check out http://www.lifestarnetwork.com to get some answers and some therapy. Thanks for sharing the reality and the hope of porn and sex addiction and recovery.
Thank you so much! I’ve suffered from the exact same problems as you and I’ve wondered what to do. To tell a little about me, I’m 23. I first tried to have sex when I was 18, but I couldn’t get it up (I had already been masturbating almost daily for 6 years, generally with tight grip and erotic visuals, often multiple times a day). I’ve had sex with four partners in my life and I never reached orgasm with any of them. In short, my sex life has been disappointing. Indeed, my last relationship ended because of erection problems… Read more »
To Resurrected Hope Have you visted http://www.yourbrainonporn.com and watched “ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION & PORN Four-Part Series” ? It will be quite helpful. Also go to FAQ’s as there are several questions that relate to porn-induced ED. Each has links to many porn user’s accounts of their ED and their return to erectile (brain) health. Use all the resources there. Just for the record, I didn’t have porn-induced ED. Your conversations to friends (or therapist) about Porn-Induced ED is quite typical in that most people equute masturbation with porn use. The usual answer is “that’s crazy you can’t get ED from masturbation”… Read more »
Hello, I don’t know whether you’re still here, but I’ll give it a try. You say that masturbation can’t cause ED and that it’s just the vehicle. However, even if one isn’t looking at porn, couldn’t one continue to sustain the negative effects of porn without watching porn itself by imagining highly graphic and specific kinds of sexual images while masturbating? The truth is that I almost never watch porn, though throughout much of my post-adolescent life I have habitually looked at other erotic images, usually of the “nonnude” variety. Would those have the same impact? Furthermore, these are the… Read more »
Excellent points. Thank you. Fanatsizing to porn and extreme masturbation practices can contribute to ED. On our site we discuss both. If men choose to masturbate during the recovery process, our suggestion is to not fantasize to old porn memories, and to focus instead on physical sensations. Fantasy can activate the (now unwanted) neural pathways, so it’s important to eliminate it when attempting what we call “rebooting the brain.” As you and most other porn users describe, the memories or flashbacks linger because they are tightly associated with the neurochemical rush of getting off, and tend to replace fantasies of… Read more »
Thanks for the swift reply. I’ve finally begun looking at the website and its accompanying videos. I am so happy that someone is finally addressing this. While I question whether hardcore porn is the only genre of erotic images that can occasion the kind of devastating effects that I (and apparently many other young men) have experienced, it feels liberating to know that I am far from alone. I knew that there had to be something missing from the common narrative that masturbation and porn are completely harmless. And as the videos note, the recency of the problem combined with… Read more »
I don’t know that getting off in a Chinese massage parlor is any healthier than getting off to porn. But its good to hear that he has moved up to being a “player: that bags three different girls in two weeks. He’s available, ladies!
I want to know who this guy is and where he’s living, having sex with 3 different girls in two weeks… but seriously, good on him for realizing he had a problem and working to get better. Shows that any pleasurable activity, taken to a level of excess, is harmful to body and mind.
I dont know if my previous message went through, but the fact that the author wasn’t politically correct or trying to be hyper masculine got me – because it is in many ways my story. I found something that I could apply in my own life and somebody who went thru it first.
Then there were these people who, besides having a legitimate issue, started “nagging” about something else altogether
Yes, this miraculous adventure of healing & recovery… Centering the reestablishment of erections & male orgasms rendering invisible the carnage of violence & exploitation inherent in the porn industry & the invisibility of the Thai & Chinese women sex workers, the descriptions of the ‘real’ woman that mattered to him…confirming in graphic detail the sexist racism & violence against women that is endemic & unexamined in every day ‘normal’ male expressions of sexuality.
I’m a little confuse; you found your use of pornography objectionable but not the exploitation of Thai and Chinese sex workers, when it is entirely possible if not likely that they are victims of human trafficking or at least working out of desperation? Please explain.
So brave of this writer to admit to a problem that plagues so many men — and certainly impacts their “mere mortal” female partners.
Yes, it is brave. And yes, it does affect women. Here’s a story with a happy ending about a couple who struggled with major porn-related ED issues: D’s healing process has been a miraculous adventure. I really should say “our” healing process, because being with someone who used to be a porn addict is definitely a dual endeavor when it comes to healing. As any woman might suspect, it can potentially activate some blind spots when it comes to insecurity on the female’s part as well as the man’s. Facing these fears head on AS THEY COME UP is key,… Read more »
more power to this guy for writing this. i still struggle to get why or how people can be so autobiographical about something so so personal.
He wrote these thoughts on an anonymous forum. I’ve condensed his posts. When I asked if he was willing to let me share it in an article, he graciously consented, and approved this version. I guess if you have suffered with this problem and overcome it, you can really appreciate how it can help others. At least *he* could.
Youre so right, in todays social media saturation and hyper reality, I found this to somehow directing at me. 27, got a girlfriend, physically healthy, but cant go a day without masturbation. Ive not met anyone who would admit to wanting to stop (some dont even admit doing it), myself included.
This was posted today on an forum that discusses porn-induced ED. It’s typical in that men have trouble connecting their porn use with troubles in the bedroom. To: everyone Hi everyone. At first, when I read this thread, I said it’s nothing, or it just can’t be it. Then, I started thinking and I said to myself, why not try it. Who knows, porn may be the problem. I’m 24, with a relatively good physical health, no smoking at all, no drinking at all. The only problem was the porn and physical exercises. After reading this, I went to a… Read more »
This is a great, rare article because it actually talks about pornography in terms of masturbation. Realistically, physically what happens when people ‘consume’ porn. An honest look, it seems to me.
Makes sense when you think about the fact that anything that feels good and/or is good will go bad when taken to the extreme. There’s people who use porn and have satisfying sex lives and I’ll bet its because they use it in moderation. Mind you the definition of moderation is going to change from person to person and topic to topic. I’m actually in the middle of easing back on the porn use myself and have notice good results so far.
Been there, done that about the over stimulation. Good to hear of this guy’s treatment method. I attended some 12 step sex compulsion meetings but it didn’t stop me from going back and “slipping”. Some of the members of those groups do very well.