Do you feel secure in your relationship?
“You’ve got to stop threatening that you’re going to leave,” he said. I chewed on my bottom lip, meeting his gaze.
“Even the doctor (his therapist) says that’s not good,” he finished. I nodded, but just barely.
Inside, deep down, I knew he was right. This is my husband, for God’s sake. I chose him. We exchanged vows. And most importantly, I love him. I want to be with him. I love our life. I love our baby girl. I love the way he has cultivated a friendship with my son. I know he is right on this point. And yet, why inside do I find it so difficult to concede?
Part of me feels like having one foot out the door is the only true power I hold in this relationship. I know that is fucked up. I get it. That is not the loving environment I want my children to grow up in. And yet, still, there is something in me that feels like he is going to hurt me so the only way I can maintain any sense of leverage is to keep something slightly outside … a big toe, a piece of my shoe, a corner of my heart—something.
Inside, this feels gross. It feels slimy. It feels raunchy like fake diamond earrings or plastic red Lee-press-on nails. It just feels wrong.
Unable to get to the bottom of this instantaneously, unable to look him in the eye and acquiesce to his request, I proceed. I go on about my day. I get on my mat. I practice. I teach. I drive four hours round trip alone and I teach some more. During the drive along the endless grey stretch of highway, I feel around inside for that piece of me that is just not clicking properly on this level. Where does this originate? And how do I shed it?
♦◊♦
We go out on date night. I have to drag him. I arrange the sitter, find the band to see, drive —everything. He is rebelling on this through and through. He has worn his around the house wardrobe even though I’ve dressed up cute and done my hair and makeup. This is his way of showing me that he is not into it. We proceed. Eventually, the shells start to slip away. Eventually, he slips his arm around my waist. When the band is done, we walk arm in arm to the car. There he is. Here is my husband. He’s come back to me.
♦◊♦
Brene Brown, author of Daring Greatly, says, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.”
I believe this is what I’m doing. I’m foreboding joy. I’m worried that somewhere in this relationship, my husband is going to wake up and decide I’m a wretched soul that he no longer wants to be with. And then, he is going to leave me. So, I am attempting to beat vulnerability to the punch by sabotaging my own relationship with vile, empty threats. This is not the person I want to be.
♦◊♦
Last night, I hopped up on the kitchen island and I drew him to me.
“I’m never going to leave you,” I said as I looked into his eyes. “You’re a wonderful father. You’re my best friend. You’re an incredible stepfather. You’re the love of my life. You deserve better than my fear. You deserve my love. I love you. I promise, I will not threaten to leave you again.”
My husband is a big, strong man. He was crying. I wiped his tears from his cheeks. We hugged. We kissed. And we proceeded to have an incredible, connected evening.
All toes are firmly inside the door, as are the corners of my heart and the pieces of my shoe. I have laid down my arms. We’re here now. Let’s get busy living. This is where we are. Home.
Read more Advice & Confessions.
Image credit: kevin dooley/Flickr
Ms. Butler: I share your feelings about having one toe out the door. I didn’t realize this till very recently. I am romantic by nature, and I’m not a cheater. I’ve always been faithful to those I’ve committed myself to. Still, I’ve come to understand that what my deal is: a. I’ve made poor choices in the past re. my partners. b. I don’t trust. I don’t trust, really, anyone, but my child.* I don’t believe that anyone will be there for me in the long run. They leave you- by choice, by divorce, or by death. I’ve experienced all… Read more »
I was reading a different article here on GoodMen Project, and it was on PTSD. As I got to the end of that article I found myself depressed by it. I needed a pick-me-up and saw the icon with THIS article’s name on it and clicked. I have to say this was so well written and so on the money! I have been in the place your husband found himself in when you two went on the date. I know that rebellion so well… I applaud you for making the choice to be vulnerable. I know that when I’ve done… Read more »
Is she from the Philippines by any chance…. Just wondering because a lot of men I know (US) have wives from there.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
Knowing there are women like you out there gives hope to this lonely single man.
You’re welcome!! :))))))
Beautifully written and beautifully done…
Keep fearless at the forefront…
Thank you!!! <3 <3 <3
I know this story all too well. I also have a blended family. I have a stepson who’s 22 and a daughter of my own who’s 6. These situations can be VERY challenging. I’m so very proud of you for what you did. This took tremendous courage. Some day I need to tell you my story. You will be able to relate to it I’m sure.
Yes, Andy. I’d love to hear your story. Thank you for your support. Much love. <3
That’s a really beautiful article. Sometimes we do hold onto ‘another option’.
Yes, but I’m learning to let that go…
Beautiful, Rebecca. “Be the change” came to mind as I read this. We all must BE what we each need in our lives…and that is scary sometimes. Hard. Damn hard.
Thanks! Great insight!! XO.