“Do not concern yourself with the non-responsiveness of others to your presence. They are responding, with their seeming indifference, to your higher needs, expressed vibrationally, for solitude.”
~ Rasha (Oneness)
Something stirred in me as I read this.
I’ve been pointing the finger at women I’m romantically involved with, or desiring deeper intimacy with, for “being unavailable for me.” For “rejecting” and “abandoning” me. For pulling away from me, often during “my time of need.” (How could you!) But there’s been this background feeling that perhaps I am the one that is unavailable (and some have suggested this to me), and I am therefore receiving this mirror from them. And perhaps what I am truly needing, as the quote suggests, is solitude.
I’ve received occasional “suggestions from the universe” that perhaps it would be best for me to be unpartnered during this phase of my journey. To largely be alone. I spend much of my time alone, but energetically I hold onto connections that I’m not sure are serving me, at least not in their current form, because of the tense energy I feel in these containers and the ways I show up within them.
I’m confused because it feels as if different parts of me want different things.
Part of me deeply wishes to partner with another, or perhaps multiple others. To feel a sense of companionship. It’s a longing to share the journey of life with others in deeply intimate ways.
Another part of me wonders if this desire is largely coming from a wounded place, turning the desire into a “need.” It’s a feeling that I’m not okay if I don’t have a partner. This is not the place I wish to create a partnership from.
Lately, when I’m in a more expansive place, and it feels as if my wounding is less influential in my thought process, I’ve been feeling this sense that those I deeply partner with may be less about filling needs for one another and more about supporting each other, and perhaps partnering, in service. A partnership that is more about the resonance we feel in our life purpose and how we may collaborate to amplify one another’s signals and share our beautiful soul offerings with the world.
In order to get to the place in which I’m available to partner with someone in this way, without my wounding running the show, I’m wondering if I may need time and space to heal. And I may largely need to do this on my own, as the quote above suggests.
I feel that, in order to show up as a “healthy” partner, as the partner I desire to be, I need to feel that I’m okay on my own. I imagine that, in order to feel this way, I may need to actually spend time on my own. Or, at least, feeling that I’m on my own. Feeling sovereign and independent and autonomous, and like I don’t “need” a partner to live a fulfilling life.
I have an intense desire for freedom, but am I truly free if I feel that I need another to be okay? To be happy? To be fulfilled?
Another question for me is to what degree solitude may include community. Perhaps this is not a time for partnership, or perhaps not in the forms I have been experiencing, but is it a time to isolate? To pull back from all others?
My deepest desire is to know myself as Love, as my soul, as One with All. This largely feels like a process of deep diving into myself, into Silence, into the presence I become aware of when I know myself as this space, and I wonder how much of this I can experience in connection with others, at least at this time.
Sitting with myself in silence feels like a process of deep intimacy with myself. A beautiful experience of self-compassion in allowing whatever is alive within me to arise and be fully seen and felt. For me, this is self-love.
As I experience deep intimacy with myself, I feel an expanding capacity to experience this with others. But those I desire this experience with most are generally women I feel attraction with, and I imagine a wounded part of me wishes to attach to them. I fear that this wounded part of me will “take over,” that I will become deeply attached to outcome, and I will be largely unavailable to simply enjoy the beauty of what is available in each precious unfolding moment of connection. And I fear projecting my wounding, my disappointment, onto a beautiful, innocent other that in no way deserves the wrath of my pain.
I’m becoming more aware of this painful process as it unfolds, as it begins to take its hold energetically. My wounding often presents as insecurity about how to navigate connection, and as a desire for “more.” I also feel this part of me loosening its grip as I spend more time in my healing process and my awareness expands.
It is clear to me that I am in a time of deep healing. I have been crying daily for months. So much pain and anger and grief are in my field. So much disappointment and longing and fear. It is all here to be felt. It is here to be loved. It is here to be integrated into the whole of the beautiful being that I am through the honoring of its beauty and the recognition that it belongs.
Revisiting the quote above once more, I wonder if perhaps I do not necessarily need to make any “decisions,” especially not from a mental space of confusion. My higher needs will be expressed vibrationally, regardless of what I think I want and need, and others’ responses to me may serve as my guide for what I am needing in regards to solitude.
Perhaps all I need to “do” is trust in the guidance that presents itself to me, beyond the level of mind.
A version of this post was originally posted on TroyCohen.Wordpress.com and is republished here with permission from the author.