It’s been seven years.
A week of revolutions around the sun.
Happy (?) deathiversary to me.
. . .
I’ve made (some) progress.
My days no longer commence with torrential tears.
I seldom sense the vacant weight of my wedding ring.
Still, my singularity seems abnormal.
A bunker of pillows occupies the empty promise that is his side of the bed.
The duo I once was has been replaced by a shadowed silhouette and what is left of me.
. . .
I obstinately strive to satisfy my sons’ paternal vacuum. The maternal exercise in futility I refuse to cease — the truth I’m reluctant to verify.
Even in the slightest dilemma, I wonder: What words of advice would he impart? Would this be happening if he was here?
The absence of a father’s wisdom torments a mother’s heart.
. . .
My widow’s shroud swaddles and suffocates. It’s my daily personal paradox: Do I let it lull me into a muffled serenity or should I cast off sorrow’s cocoon?
Grief is the wolf that threatens my sheep’s clothing.
When my children were in elementary school, they each witnessed the metamorphosis of larva to butterfly. As it neared the time for the insects to emerge from their chrysalis, the students were warned not to “assist.” Aiding or abetting in the butterflies’ escape could result in malformations. There would be no choice but to let flightless creatures succumb to their deformities. Successful transformation required solitary struggles.
I continue to curb such a transfiguration. I’m seeking adaptation, not evolution. Disowning all traces of my former self would be tantamount to annulling my marriage. I need to move forward, not break away.
. . .
My mourning attire is beginning to itch. At times it is sweltering. But will shedding it completely leave me basking in a cool breeze or shivering from my cold reality? Is such a prophecy feasible?
Do I really want to know?
The future whispers from just beyond the horizon. Uncertainty muffles the echo, but I must submit to its summons. Inertia will only spawn decomposition.
That’s not what he desired for me.
That is not what I aspire for myself.
This post was previously published on Big Girl Panties and is republished here with permission from the author.
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